Bristol Palin - Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far

Not Afraid of Life

My Journey So Far

Bristol Palin

with Nancy French

To all you underdogs

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcomings, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.

Theodore Roosevelt

Contents

Chapter One

Where It All Began

Chapter Two

First Impressions

Chapter Three

Losing It

Chapter Four

Not Like Other Families

Chapter Five

Failing the Test

Chapter Six

Van Palin and Other Surprises

Chapter Seven

Unconventional

Chapter Eight

Looking the Part

Photos

Chapter Nine

Sinking In

Chapter Ten

Not Picture Perfect

Chapter Eleven

Already Ben There

Chapter Twelve

Home

Chapter Thirteen

Home Is Where the U-Haul Is

Chapter Fourteen

Theres Plenty of Fish in the Sea

Chapter Fifteen

Shaking What My Momma Gave Me

Chapter Sixteen

Seeing Things Clearly

Acknowledgments

About theAuthors

About thePublisher

I lied to my mother.

Were going to go stay the night at Emas house, I nonchalantly said as my friend and I headed toward the front door. Mom was busy paying bills and didnt really look up from her work. There was only one week left of school, and the weather was warming up in the Matanuska-Susitna Borough.

Okay, she responded, not suspecting a thing. Do you need me to drop you off?

No, I said. Her moms in a hurry, but shes going to pick us up at the end of the driveway.

Have fun, she said casually and waved good-bye.

That deception would affect my life in ways a teenager could not comprehend. It changed my relationship with my parents, my boyfriend, and even God. It would eventually cause me public embarrassment on an international scale and cause many sleepless nights.

But I didnt know that at the time.

On that day, my friend and I believed we were getting away with a harmless high school lie. Usually I have a very sensitive conscience, even to the point that I cant leave a store without fixing a messed-up clothes rack. I think, Im going to fix these or some overworked employee is going to have to do it later and shes probably already done it a million times today. But on that morning, my conscience wasnt even really pricked. Apparently, the excitement of seeing Levi outweighed any anxiety I felt about lying to my mom. So, we toted our bags down to the end of the long gravel driveway, jumped in his red pickup truck, and left without any sort of guilt.

As we drove away from my house, I drove away from the ease of childhood and smack into the middle of the weird complexities of serious relationships ideally reserved for later in life. We drove for about an hour, deep into the Point MacKenzie area that is sparsely populated with almost perpetual sunlight during the summer months. We loved it because of its amazing wildlife and natural beauty. My friend and I couldnt imagine a more exciting night than hanging with our friends in such a setting. In the back of Levis truck were tents, sleeping bags, firearms for protection against wildlife, and lots of alcohol.

I never drankin fact, I knew nothing about anything bad really... especially the differences between vodka, beer, and whiskey. I didnt know that the girly flavored wine coolers were just as likely to get you drunk as the hard stuff, even though they went down so smoothly. And I definitely had no idea what tolerance was or how to pace your drinking to make sure you dont do things youll regret. All I knew was that I was with my ruggedly handsome boyfriend who loved meand we were getting away with a late-night camping trip without anyone ever finding out.

In fact, no one has ever heard this part of my story. By now, most of America knows me as Bristol Palin, the teenager who got pregnant right before her mother was asked to run for vice president on the GOP ticket with Senator John McCain. But what no one really knows is my storythe true storyof deception and disappointment that began the night I lied to my mother and went camping in Point MacKenzie.

We got there around six oclock. Levi and his friends immediately built a fire and put up the tents by the lake. The tent my friend and I brought was blue, and had just enough space for both of us to squeeze in for a good nights rest. However, I didnt end up sleeping in that tent.

The wine coolers tasted sweet, and I slowly surrendered to their woozy charms. I felt young and carefree, and Levi kept replacing my empty bottles from his large stash. The more I drank, the better the crisp night air felt. But unbeknownst to me, I was about to hit a wallthat awful wallthat takes you past a comfortable level of libationthe happy buzzinto the dark abyss of drunkenness.

I remember sitting in one of those folding camping chairs, laughing with friends by the fire.

What I dont remember is what transpired between the moment when I was sitting there by the fire talking and the moment I awakened the next morning with something obviously askew. Mosquitoes were buzzing around my ears and my head throbbed like someone was using it as a drum. Levis empty sleeping bag was right beside mine, and I could hear him outside the tent laughing as he and his friends packed up the camp.

I fumbled around for my phone and found it in a pile of clothes on the side of the tent.

Get over here

I texted my friend.

Within seconds, she unzipped the tent and poked her head in.

Are you okay?

What happened? I whispered.

You dont know?

In movies, losing your virginity is a big deal... a candlelit experience with romantic music, roses, and declarations of true love. Id saidrepeatedlythat Id save sex for the first time on my wedding night. Brought up in a Christian household, I was determined to do things in the right order. Dating first, followed by an engagement, a beautiful wedding night, a romantic honeymoon, andonly thenthe figurative baby carriage immortalized in the kids first comes love, then comes marriage taunt.

Thats why the next sentence that came out of my friends mouth hit me like a punch in the stomach.

You definitely had sex with Levi.

Suddenly, I wondered why it was called losing your virginity, because it felt more like it had been stolen.

No, we didnt, I insisted.

My friend didnt argue with me, because I could tell by the evidence in the tent that all of my plans, my promises, and my moral standards had disappeared in one awful night in a series of bad decisions.

And Levi wasnt even there to help me processor even confirmmy greatly feared suspicions. Instead of waking up in his arms (which happens in all the movies right before the girl walks around the apartment in the guys buttoned-up business shirt), I awakened in a cold tent alone as he talked with his friends on the other side of the canvas.

I didnt realize this was a sign of things to come. But I did know one thing.

I was going to marry Levi. I had to now.

A s a person who was raised to believe that sex should be reserved for marriage, I wasnt sure how to handle the fact that I royally betrayed my parents and my moral code. I wish Id confessed my sin right then to God, accepted the full forgiveness of a heavenly father who loved me, and never spoken to Levi again. Instead I tried to salvage this situation. I tried to fix it.