Gayle Roper - A Widows Journey: Reflections on Walking Alone

HARVEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS

EUGENE, OREGON

Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Verses marked KJV are taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

Verses marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

All italicized emphasis in Scripture quotations is added by the author.

Cover by Knail, Salem, Oregon

Cover photos UpperCut Images Photography / Veer; Pavlo Vakhrushev / Fotolia

Gayle Roper is published in association with Books & Such Management, 52 Mission Circle, Suite 122, PMB 170, Santa Rosa, CA 95409-5370. www.booksandsuch.com.

A WIDOWS JOURNEY

Copyright 2015 Gayle Roper

Published by Harvest House Publishers

Eugene, Oregon 97402

www.harvesthousepublishers.com

ISBN 978-0-7369-5958-2 (hardcover)

ISBN 978-0-7369-5959-9 (eBook)

All rights reserved. No part of this electronic publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording, or any otherwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The authorized purchaser has been granted a nontransferable, nonexclusive, and noncommercial right to access and view this electronic publication, and purchaser agrees to do so only in accordance with the terms of use under which it was purchased or transmitted. Participation in or encouragement of piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of authors and publishers rights is strictly prohibited.

In memory of Chuck who loved me even on the days I drove him nuts.

I miss him.

Contents

W hat am I to be now that Im a widow?

I study the sky, searching for my answer as if expecting God to write it there with His finger. All I see is a distant silver speck. A plane is heading for some exotic location, carrying couples who will take hand-holding strolls down quaint streets, have romantic dinners under the stars, walk arm-in-arm along a golden beach, and smile intimately at each other as they closse their bedroom door.

The world is made for couples like those on that plane. For years I took membership in the Couples Club for granted. But I am no longer a couple. I am a single. One, not two. I no longer belong.

So who am I, now that theres only one plate at the table, one glass, one knife, fork, and spoon, one napkin?

Theres only one pillow with a head dent, one towel damp after a shower. Theres only one toothbrush in the holder. The seat is never left up anymore.

I can still write Mrs. in front of my name, but Im no longer in a marriage relationship. You need two people for a marriage, and theres only me.

Terrifying thought. Theres only me.

The L ORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged .

D EUTERONOMY 31:8

F or years I was defined by a four-letter wordwife. I was part of an indivisible pair. Chuck and Gayle. Gayle and Chuck.

Now theres only Gayle, and Im not certain who she is supposed to be.

Of course I remain mother, grandmother, friend, writer, lover of Jesus all identities I am glad for and proud of. But being Chucks wife, my primary identity apart from being a Christian, is lost to me because Chuck is lost to me.

So who am I to be now that theres only me? Now that when people think of me, they dont automatically add, and Chuck?

I used to think I was solidly my own person, very self-sufficient in spirit, with a career and professional friends and a professional reputation. That was true and still is, but Im realizing I wasnt as independent as I liked to think. I was able to feel independent and self-sufficient because I had a wonderful safety net called marriage and a wonderful man named Chuck ready to catch me if I slipped from my perch.

Now the safety net is gone, and I am in free fall. Its a long way down.

When I said, My foot is slipping,

your unfailing love, O L ORD , supported me.

When anxiety was great within me,

your consolation brought me joy.

P SALM 94:17-18

I sit and watch the clouds. Some are plump, fluffy, cumulus wonders, exactly what a cloud should be. Fairy-tale clouds, all soft and rounded, ready to float over the princesss castle, harbingers of happily ever after.

Then there are the amorphous clouds, indistinct, flat, and formless. Their edges are blurred with wisps of white vapor that slowly float away and disappear.

Thats how being a widow feels. Vague and vaporous. Lacking substance. All ill-defined edges and purposelessness.

Its the aimlessness that I find most difficult. I like purpose and plan. I dont mind if the plan goes awry. Im willing to adapt. Life is one long lesson in adapting.

And being a widow is the biggest lesson of all, a lesson forced on me by circumstances I didnt plan and would never choose. And I dont want to adapt. I want life back as it was. I want Chucks head on the pillow next to mine. I want him at the TV tray next to mine as we eat to the evening news. I want him turning the lights out on me, checking the lock to make sure I turned it correctly, and telling me I bring light to his life.

Instead Im alone and find myself feeling formless and floaty. I fear my remaining years becoming a mere curl of vapor.

Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. And God said, Let there be light, and there was light.

G ENESIS 1:2-3

I miss being a couple.

I miss having conversations about when well leave the party, about who well have for dinner, about what to buy the grandkids for Christmas. I miss talking about how much we should give to the church for that special project or where we should go for vacation. I miss discussing where well stay on a vacation, he being a Motel 6 man and me a lovely B and B woman. I miss him saying, You still look pretty good in jeans even though I can look in the mirror and see the truth.

I miss the dailiness of being a couple. Whos going to pick up the dry cleaning? Can we go out for dinner tonight? What should we watch on TV? When can we afford to redo the kitchen?

I miss someone knowing me better than I know myself. I miss him saying, Gayle, thats not a good idea, and realizing hes right. I miss him saying, Im proud of you, and basking in the glow.

I know there are worse things in life than being a widow, but at the moment I cant imagine what they are. I know that my life can still have value, that I can still do and bewhen I can figure out what to do and who to be.

I miss being a couple.

Two are better than one,

because they have a good return for their labor:

If either of them falls down,

one can help the other up.

But pity anyone who falls

and has no one to help them up.

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.

But how can one keep warm alone?

E CCLESIASTES 4:9-11