Dave Wheitner - I Fell in Love with an Asexual: Navigating Needs Without Blame When You Like Sex, Your Partner Doesnt, & Asexuality Is a Possibility

For our next generation: May our courage today create a tomorrow where you can live and love fully, joyfully, and authentically.

Outstanding! Elegantly weaves personal exploration with concrete education and scientific data on asexuality. I wish I had this book as a resource to offer several former sexual-asexual couples I have seen in my practice. While written with the sexual partner in mind, it is a valuable book for asexuals who desire romantic attraction as well, as they are most likely to find themselves in partnerships with sexual individuals. This book has provided some concrete recommendations for future clients.

- Lori A. Brotto, PhD, R Psych, Professor, Division Head, Gynaecologic Specialties, Department of Obstetrics & Gynaecology, University of British Columbia, Director, UBC Sexual Health Laboratory

Its time to put the A (asexual) into LGBTQ, and I Fell in Love with an Asexual is a heartfelt, informative foray into an extremely important topic thats woefully misunderstood and under-represented in academic and popular literature. A trail-blazing, comprehensive book that will speak to anyone who wants credible insight into asexuality in all its facets.

- Ian Kerner, PhD, LMFT, sex therapist and NY Times best-selling author of She Comes First

This authoritative exploration of mismatched sexuality... offers creative self-help guides for anyone engaged in mixed-orientation intimacy. Above all, it assures readers that they are not alone in their hidden journey.

- Carol Grever, author, When Your Spouse Comes Out , and My Husband Is Gay

The first book to explore the dilemmas of sexually motivated partners who have asexual partners... skillfully offers the reader opportunities for self-reflection by asking hard questions in a remarkably supportive manner... thoroughly details the myriad options involved in staying in or leaving the relationship... offers heartfelt support in the process of reintegrating ones sexuality... and gives others lots of permission to be human!

- Karla Baur, MSW, sex therapist and co-author of Our Sexuality , the best-selling college textbook

Through candid personal exploration, well-researched data, and practical advice... offer[s] credible and thoughtful insight to anyone in a relationship with an asexual partner.

- PsychCentral

Inherently fascinating, impressively informative, and ultimately inspiring... An extraordinary and unreservedly recommended addition to both community and academic library Human Sexuality reference collections and supplemental studies reading lists.

- Midwest Book Review, Small Press Bookwatch

Disclaimer, Limitations, & an Important Request

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T his book is intended to be an informational and educational resource, for your consideration only. It is not a substitute for the services of qualified mental and medical health professionals. Human sexuality is complex, and this work is not a diagnostic or prescriptive tool. Other resources, including a few sites that list professionals, are included later in the book. Whether and how you use the material contained herein is up to you.

Asexuality is still highly misunderstood, despite continued awareness-building efforts of many asexual individuals. Many of the viewpoints here are based upon personal observation and theory rather than empirical scientific study. Because each situation is unique, some but not all dynamics may apply to your situation.

Generally speaking, an asexual person is simply someone who does not experience sexual attraction. [1] A large majority do not feel favorably about personally having sex. [2] However, some asexuals are exceptions to these general rules. I am assuming that you love someone who has little or no desire for sex, and who may or may not also be asexual. You may not yet know whether they fit into both categories, and they may not yet know either. For simplicity, I often use the term asexual or asexual partner, but I sometimes use potentially asexual partner or low-interest partner interchangeably. Later, Ill describe asexuality in more depth, and draw distinctions between lack of attraction and lack of desire. [3]

Some individuals within the asexual community advocate for use of the words non-asexual or allosexual , rather than sexual , to denote all individuals who are not asexual. One argument for this is that asexual individuals do not lack all traits associated with the traditional meaning of sexual , such as genitals or a desire to masturbate. [4] This stands in contrast to the original definition of asexual : the opposite of sexual . This concern about confusion is understandable, and I have attempted to address it through detailed explanations of what asexuality is and is not. However, because the language is still evolving, and disagreement remains, this book uses sexuals to refer to individuals who are not asexual, and asexual-sexual couples to refer to mixed-orientation couples. Please keep the limitations of this imperfect language in mind, and know that the two categories are not mutually exclusive opposites. Over time, clearer terms will evolve.

I have endeavored to provide a fair representation of asexuality, to encourage consideration of both partners points of view, to point out that no one orientation is superior, and to emphasize that neither partner may be at fault for anything. I've also attempted to minimize a bias toward relationship preservation or separation, simply providing options and considerations. However, my perspective undoubtedly reflects some biases of a predominantly heterosexual cisgender male..

An important request: Most of this book was written by one author (Dave). However, I have drawn many of the personal relationship details from the experience of Evan Ocean, with his full permission. Because he wishes to remain anonymous, Evan Ocean is a pen name. I have sometimes blended in details from my own life, as there are many commonalities between my experience and Evans. I have altered many potentially identifying details, including names and locations. To maintain continuity, and to reflect the commonalities between our experiences, Ive written most of the book in first-person singular.

This arrangement has made it possible for me to blend first-hand experience with academic knowledge and professional training, and to share the insight that comes with this pairing, while still maintaining a degree of privacy and anonymity for others.