Cody Daigle-Orians - I Am Ace: Advice on Living Your Best Asexual Life

of related interest

Ace and Aro Journeys

A Guide to Embracing Your Asexual or Aromantic Identity

T he Ace and Aro Advocacy Project

I SBN 978 1 83997 638 4

e ISBN 978 1 83997 639 1

H ow to Be Ace

A Memoir of Growing Up Asexual

R ebecca Burgess

I SBN 978 1 78775 215 3

e ISBN 978 1 78775 216 0

H ow to Understand Your Sexuality

A Practical Guide for Exploring Who You Are

M eg-John Barker, Alex Iantaffi and Jules Scheele

I SBN 978 1 78775 618 2

e ISBN 978 1 78775 619 9

A ce Voices

What it Means to Be Asexual, Aromantic, Demi or Grey-Ace

E ris Young

I SBN 978 1 78775 698 4

e ISBN 978 1 78775 699 1

S ounds Fake But Okay

An Asexual and Aromantic Perspective on Love, Relationships, Sex, and Pretty Much Anything Else

S arah Costello and Kayla Kaszyca

I SBN 978 1 83997 001 6

e ISBN 978 1 83997 002 3

I AM
ACE

ADVICE ON LIVING YOUR BEST ASEXUAL LIFE

CODY DAIGLE-ORIANS

First published in Great Britain in 2023 by Jessica Kingsley Publishers

An imprint of Hodder & Stoughton Ltd

An Hachette UK Company

Copyright Cody Daigle-Orians 2023

The right of Cody Daigle-Orians to be identified as the Author of the Work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library and the Library of Congress

I SBN 978 1 83997 262 1

e ISBN 978 1 83997 263 8

Jessica Kingsley Publishers policy is to use papers that are natural, renewable and recyclable products and made from wood grown in sustainable forests. The logging and manufacturing processes are expected to conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin.

Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Carmelite House

50 Victoria Embankment

London EC4Y 0DZ

www.jkp.com

T his book is dedicated to my chosen family. For Neil, who teaches me what unconditional love looks like. For Scott, who shows me the universe is full of new possibilities. For Daniel, who reminds me that joy can be found in everything.

T his book came to be as we formed our constellation. I wrote it by the light from your stars.

CONTENTS

I f youre reading this book, we have something in common.

At some point, we both have asked ourselves, Am I asexual? For me, the answer to that question was Yes! and it led me down an eventful road that brought me a truckload of other questions, a lot of surprising answers, new relationships, new ways of seeing myself, new communities to find myself in, new ways of advocating for those communities, opportunities to educate, opportunities to learn, a lot of joy, and a tiny sliver of internet popularity.

Oh, and this book.

This book is the book I wish I had when I was 18 years old, confused about what I was feeling without the words to properly express it, knowing I was different but feeling lost in understanding it.

This is the book I wish I had when I was struggling in my twenties, through bad relationship after bad relationship, not understanding why sex and intimacy were so difficult for me, not understanding why I felt completely broken.

This is the book I wish I had when, in my thirties, my husband and I were hitting roadblocks in our relationship, feeling as though sometimes we couldnt fundamentally understand each other, as though we didnt really know who the other person was.

This is the book I wish I had when, in my early forties, I discovered I was asexual, wanting a resource that simply answered my pressing questions and was an encouraging friend saying, Youve got this! You can do it! Go out there and be the best ace you can be!

This book is for all of those versions of me.

And this book is for you, my unknown friend out there with questions of your own. I dont know where the question Am I asexual? is going to lead you, but I know its probably led you here. I hope you find what youre looking for in these pages, and I hope what you encounter here encourages you to keep asking questions and keep on learning.

The first part, Asexuality and You, covers the basics of your personal relationship to asexuality. Well explore what asexuality is and how it works. Well get a handle on the language of asexuality and how you might use it. And well talk about the challenges of accepting your asexualityif thats what you want to doand learn some strategies to make that process easier.

The second part, Asexuality and Others, covers the ways we share our asexuality with other people. Well talk about why and how to come out as asexual. Well talk about how asexuality fits into relationships and how we can build fulfilling bonds with partners of all kinds. And well learn how to deal with some of the negative ideas other people have about asexuality and how to prevent them from holding you back.

The third part, Asexuality and the World, explores how asexuality interacts with the rest of the world. Well look at how asexuality fits into the LGBTQIA+ community. Well learn about some of the powerful social constructs in which asexuality exists. And well bring it all together with a discussion about finding joy in our asexuality.

Will this book answer all of your questions about asexuality? Probably not. Asexuality is not a simple experience. Not only are there many different ways to be asexual, but your experience of asexuality will be different depending on who else you are in the world. The other experiences you inhabityour experience of race, of gender, of your culture or religion, of your socioeconomic background, whether or not youre disabled, whether or not youre neurodivergentwill impact how you experience asexuality and how your asexuality is treated.

This book cant account for every aces experience, and I, as its author, cant speak for every ace person. What I and this book have attempted to do, however, is tackle the basic questions that many of us face at the start of our journeys and provide a jumping off point for you to dig deeper into the complexities of the ace experience with other books, authors, and activists. If you dont totally see yourself in this book, thats okay. Take whats useful. Discard whats not. There are many more ace folks out there writing, thinking, and creating about the ace experience. You will find your reflection in them even if you dont necessarily find it here.

If were all setting foot into the dark woods of the ace experience, I hope you see this book less as a map and more as a flashlight.

Lets go.

I didnt always know I was asexual. In fact, I spent almost all of my life thinking I wasnt. (I didnt come out as asexual until I was 42. More on that experience later.) From the time I started feeling the first little sparks of attraction in middle school until a third of the way through my fourth decade on the planet, I was searching for the right words to describe me.