Suzanne Evans - Machiavelli for Moms: Maxims on the Effective Governance of Children*

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With love to my kids

And with gratitude to Machiavelli,

for helping me reign them in

T his story was born out of chaos and crisis. Its about how a totally frazzled and stressed-out mom applied the strategies of warfare and statecraft prescribed in The Prince to raise a happy, well-mannered family. Its also about how out of that strategy was born a more relaxed, enlightened, and well-mannered mom. At least at first...

W hat if I told you that your childrenyes, your children, the ones currently jumping on their beds, slamming doors, tossing fistfuls of cereal on the floor, and bickering, whining, shrieking, fighting, or otherwise trying to kill each othercould be well behaved?

Not just well behaved, but really and truly obedient and good.

And not only thatthey would enjoy being good. And you would enjoy your time with them, instead of feeling chronically exhausted and enslaved by the impossibly wide array of demands that press in upon you each day as a parent. You know what Im talking about: those relentless demands on your time, your energy, your finances, your sleep, and your patience, demands on your career, your figure, your friendships, and other important relationships.

What if I told you that there was a new approach, or master plan, that wouldnt just show you how to empower yourself as a parent, but how to keep that power and use it to help your kids:

feel more confident and in control of their life... and help you feel happier and more relaxed;

consistently obey your commands... without you having to nag;

appreciate the value of money and hard work... and help you save lots of cash;

master bad habits like back talk and procrastination... and help you take action;

eagerly complete their homework... without your having to ask;

battle boredom with creativity and imagination... without your having to entertain them;

sleep soundly through the night... while you regain your sanity, sex drive, and peace of mind.

Most amazingly, what if I promised you that if you use this plan, you will find your own thoughts and feelings about parenting begin to change.

You will feel more confident, powerful, proactive, and competent.

You will get more out of your kids with less fight.

You will stop daydreaming about vacationing alone in Mexico, get your healthy glow back, and might actually put off getting your tubes tied just yet.

Whether youre a stay-at-home-mom (or dad) or a highly driven career woman, stuck in a rut or searching for a new perspective, this plan will inspire you to take back your power... and take back your kingdom.

I thought it was a fairy tale, too. Until I tried the concepts outlined here, which I stumbled across more or less by accident in a five-hundred-year-old tome. I discovered these ideas in a moment of crisis. On the surface, it might have looked like I had everything a mom could want. My kids were healthy. My husband was hardworking, loving, and fun. We lived in a nice home in a neighborhood that I loved. I even had the most coveted and highly prized parental commodity of all: a reliable babysitter.

But... no one (except my babysitter) was behavingnot even my cat, who had suddenly developed a strong aversion to kitty litter. My house wasnt just a disaster; it was a battle zone, so much so that if city commissioners had dropped by for a surprise visit they wouldve had to clean it before they condemned it. And as much as I really do cherish and love my children, I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and out of shape, and I had worn the same tattered old expandable-waist post-pregnancy sweatpants every day since my last set of contractions kicked in.

So it was at a very low point in my life that I stumbled across a copy of Machiavellis The Prince . And reading it literally changed my life. Sounds strange, right? But his advice gave me the clarity to see my relationship with my kids in a dynamic new light. Instead of abdicating my power as a parent, I reclaimed it. Instead of struggling each day just to survive, I took command of my life. Instead of begging my kids to be courteous, polite, respectful, and kind; quickly fall into line; and stop drawing on our walls with my Pretty Please MAC lipstick, I insisted on it. And as I continued reading, I felt myself undergo a transformation from a totally beleaguered and defeated modern-day mom to a more peaceful, calm, and enlightened one.

It didnt happen overnight. And it didnt happen without some serious bumps along the way (as youll see). I ended up taking a lot of Machiavellis advice to heart, leaving a little bit on the table, and interpreting other parts rather broadly. But while I started this experiment in a somewhat tentative and haphazard way, I really did find kernels of truth in The Prince that helped me to be a better parent. I hope you will, too.

But instead of asking you to read Machiavellis iconic book yourself (though I totally recommend itseriously, its a great read), I will do you one better: I will show you how to use his rules to raise a happier, better-behaved family. Really. I wouldnt kid you about something as serious as this. And because this approach worked well for me, I encourage you to try to it, too. But if you do, remember this piece of advice: dont be afraid of your power as a parent. Embrace itthen use it wisely, consistently, and, above all, lovingly.

Good luck!

I t was in Southern California, the early years of the twenty-first century, and I was facing an intense moment of crisis. Newly remarried, my husband, Eric, and I had moved in together with our kids and were trying to blend our family. From the beginning, it was total chaos. Not only had we not set any ground rules for trying to govern our family, we hadnt even established any ground rules for our marriage.

I know. Great plan, right? So somehow (Im still not quite sure how it happened), virtually all of the household chores fell by default to me. This included all the grocery shopping, the cooking and cleaning, the drop-offs to and pickups from preschool, and all the carpooling, bathing, bill paying, laundry, and diaper changing. At the same time, I was trying to finish the dissertation I was writing as the final requirement for my PhD in history at UC Berkeley, and I had just started a demanding new full-time job writing legal briefs from home.

All of which meant that I was trapped (read: imprisoned!) inside for days at a time with my four rambunctious young kids, whose constant bickering was driving me nuts.