Jo Ann Levitt M.A. R.N. - Sibling Revelry: 8 Steps to Successful Adult Sibling Relationships

Of all our relationships, the sibling relationship is often the most invisible, or the most taken for granted. Unless we're the oldest children, our siblings were present from the beginning. Why should we take notice? We've forgotten they matter to us or that we matter to them. In some cases we've suffered harm at one another's hands. If we take our siblings so much for granted, then we hardly recognize who they are or the potential they hold to be our true lifelong companions. Finally, as adults, many of us avoid picking up the sibling relationship where we left off and developing it, saying, I didn't choose her. She's not my significant other.

But increasingly that's not true. The sibling connection is, in fact, our longest-lived relationship. It outlasts the relationships we have with our parents, spouses, and children, and is now viewed as one of the core experiences from which our life relationships unfold. This relationship, which was present from the beginning, in a sense is waiting to be chosen by each of us as important and worthy of further development. It can't be escaped. Whether we work out deep-seated issues arising from the family of origin with the original members of the cast or with stand-ins from our families of choice, we've got to finish the unfinished business. Research by clinical psychologist Walter Toman in such works as Family Constellation indicates that we approach new relationships outside the family of origin according to expectations we developed at home with our sisters and brothers.

There are powerful demographic trends fueling the growing interest in siblings. As a nation we are graying quickly nearly 34.5 million people are seniors as of 2000. In sheer numbers, baby boomers crossing the midcentury mark tip the scales; this same group is supporting, mourning, and otherwise letting go of parents and stepping into the family lead. At the same time, family structures have shifted; with one of two marriages ending in divorce, families quickly acquire new children (read: new brothers and sisters for their original offspring). As the sibling relationship becomes the family focal point, it's sisters and brothers who decide where family dinners or holidays will be celebrated. More and more, it's sisters and brothers who provide lifelong continuity and an anchor for the sense of family.

Siblings, especially females, are often involved in caretaking of aging parents or in organizing new family structures to handle the dependents in their lives, both children and parents. Intrinsically, then, developing sibling ties means not only investing in the future but building dividends that, for obvious reasons, pay off in the present. Additionally, more and more evidence indicates that strengthening your relationship with your sibling can lead to enriched bonds with others in your lifeyour spouse, your children, even your friends and co-workers. Even, paradoxically, with your parents!

Finally, the increasing number of people living alone highlights the need for alternative support systems such as those provided by our siblings. According to the 1996 Population Report published by the United States Bureau of the Census, the number of middle-aged people living alone has more than doubled, from 5.7 percent in 1970 to 11.9 percent in 1996, and the trend is increasing. As people age, the statistics become staggering. Among adults 75 and older, 53 percent of women and 21 percent of men live alone. An antidote to alienation lies in strengthening relationships that have a built-in history.

Returning to our sisters and brothers provides opportunities to experience meaningful connection. Understanding and putting the power of the sibling relationship to work will provide us with important support systems as we age. Thus, more people than ever are entering into middle and presumably old age without partners. Those who have never married or had children now have expanded choices as to where and with whom they will spend the rest of their lives. Increasingly, people are finding themselves linked by choice in a network that has a sister, a brother, or both at the center.