Jerold J. Kreisman - Talking to a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder: Communication Skills to Manage Intense Emotions, Set Boundaries, and Reduce Conflict

Borderline personality disorder (BPD), which can be difficult for clinicians to manage, can also be painful for families and loved ones. They need help to avoid conflict and to respond in helpful ways. This book, written in highly accessible language, provides many practical tips on communicating about intense emotions and understanding troubled people.

Joel Paris, MD , professor in the department of psychiatry at McGill University, and author of Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder

Those who struggle to keep the peace with difficult people in their daily lives will find these explanations and strategies extremely informative and helpful. You can be effective, and Jerold Kreisman will show you how!

Sandy Hotchkiss, PsyD, LCSW , author of Why Is It Always About You?

For anyone who loves, lives with, or must care for a person struggling with BPD, Jerold Kreisman has written another useful guide full of empathic and pragmatic techniques. All too often, interactions with these individuals prove to be confusing, painful, and sometimes infuriating; Kreisman outlines a detailed approach for coping and keeping your head. As a clinician who has worked with individuals who suffer from this disorder, as well as the people who know them, I found his guidance to harmonize with my own experience and to echo the advice I often give to my own clients.

Joseph Burgo, PhD , psychotherapist, Psychology Today blogger, and author of The Narcissist You Know , Why Do I Do That? , and the forthcoming Shame

The lessons in respectful listening and mindful speech offered by this book will serve a broad audience. Ultimately, everyone strugglesto some degree or anotherto understand and be understood. My commitment to feminist critiques of psychiatric categories leads me to be cautious around diagnostic terminology that labels one person in a conflict as disordered, but with that caveat in mind, I think of this book as an instruction in the humble warrior pose of difficult conversations, as it advocates strength, balance, and grace in communicating with clients and loved ones who experience heightened interpersonal sensitivities. I cant think of qualities more necessary in the current moment than those modeled here by Kreisman: support, empathy, truth, understanding, and perseverance.

Merri Lisa Johnson , professor of womens and gender studies at USC Upstate, and author of Girl in Need of a Tourniquet

Talking to a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder is a much-needed book for loved ones of someone with BPD, as well as for psychotherapists. Ive had many clients throughout my forty years as a therapist who are at their wits end when it comes to knowing how to communicate with a BPD loved one without the conversation escalating into an argument. Kreisman presents effective strategies to help readers learn how to communicate in the best way possible to ensure that they are heard, and their loved one doesnt feel humiliated or blamed. I will recommend this book to many of my clients and colleagues.

Beverly Engel, LMFT , author of It Wasnt Your Fault

If somebody you care about struggles with BPD, this book will change your relationship with them forever! In this well-crafted guide, Jerold Kreisman masterfully describes the unique communication challenges this disorder produces and offers practical, step-by-step examples of how to deal with them effectively. You will think someone has been eavesdropping on your conversations! If your desire is to better connect with a loved one in your life with BPD and save yourself future emotional exhaustion in the process, it is unlikely that you will find a better resource.

Jeff Riggenbach, PhD , president at the CBT Institute of Oklahoma, and author of Borderline Personality Disorder Toolbox

Publishers Note

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Copyright 2018 by Jerold J. Kreisman

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

5674 Shattuck Avenue

Oakland, CA 94609

www.newharbinger.com

Cover design by Amy Shoup

Acquired by Jess OBrien

Edited by Cindy B. Nixon

All Rights Reserved

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data on file

For the little ones,
who grew to be the big ones,
who care for the next little ones:

Jenny and Adam

Alicia and Brett

Audrey and Owen

Stella and Ryder

Contents

Foreword

You can find tools and principles for effective communication in any relationship book. Communication isnt about proving youre right, but about respecting your partners point of view. Actively listendont just talk. Put yourself in the other persons shoes. Be mindful in your words and tone. Tell your partner what you appreciate about them. Be willing to say Im sorry.

But what if one member of the couple has borderline personality disorder (BPD), and sometimes has trouble doing all these things? People with BPD may have lots of empathy for other people, but when emotionally aroused, they can go into attack mode. When a partner asks them to be accountable for their actions, or to speak differently (implying they were doing it wrong before), things may get even worse. Eventually, the non-borderline person may only talk to their partner when they have to. The relationship dies.

Is there any hope of bringing the two of you together to really problem-solve? Yes. There really is. Heres a metaphor for whats in store. Around the time of the Civil War, two competitive companies were hired to build the transcontinental railroad. One would start in Omaha and race west; the other would begin in San Francisco and head east. Together, they aimed to do the impossible: get two railroads to meet in the exact same place so the final rails fit together perfectly. It took forever to plan. But finally, when everybody was good and ready, they started. They blasted their way through granite mountains and laid track in passes smothered in eighteen feet of snow.

A meeting of the minds; a meeting of the railroads. Both happening in trackless countries where its easy to get lost. One party walks on eggshells through emotional dangers; the other works through towering snow drifts and other physical hazards. Its too late for the railway men to do anything differenttheir time is past. But its not too late for you and your borderline loved one! The psychiatrist who will help you learn to navigate treacherous discussions together is Jerry Kreisman. Talking to a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder is a brilliant book that you will find yourself rereading again and again.

Lets start with a very brief look at his method. Dr. Kreisman introduced the SET (support-empathy-truth) communications technique in his first book, I Hate YouDont Leave Me (1989) . It became quite popularmany people still use it today. Over the next thirty years of working with clients, Dr. Kreisman refined and expanded SET to a whole other levellike taking it from an old-timey bicycle (big wheel in front, little one in back) to the latest Harley-Davidson motorcycle.

Today, SET-UP (the UP stands for understanding and perseverance ) is more than just a communication system. Its an essential tool for improving the relationship itselfbecause effective, respectful discussions are at the heart of building trust and love.