Catherine OKane - Real: The Power of Authentic Connection

REAL

THE POWER OF AUTHENTIC CONNECTION

CATHERINE OKANE, MA, RCC, RCS

DUANE OKANE, RCC, RCS

Copyright 2016 by Catherine & Duane OKane

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the publisher. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publishers prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

ISBN:978-0-9958035-1-0 (e-book)

Book Cover Design: Marla Thompson, Duane OKane

Book Cover Photo: Duane OKane

Typeset: Greg Salisbury

Portrait Photographer: Duane OKane

DEDICATION

To Erin, our greatest teacher, experimental subject, and daughter. Thank you for being the biggest part of this story (since 1994), both in terms of living it and helping us write it.

Real isnt how you are made, said the Skin Horse. Its a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.

Does it hurt? asked the Rabbit.

Sometimes, said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. When you are Real you dont mind being hurt.

Does it happen all at once, like being wound up, he asked, or bit by bit?

It doesnt happen all at once, said the Skin Horse. You become. It takes a long time. Thats why it doesnt happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things dont matter at all, because once you are Real you cant be ugly, except to people who dont understand.

Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!

Dr. Seuss

In practical and sensible detail this compact volume reveals the three basic principles of human health and happiness: connection, vulnerability and self-responsibility. Real is a helpful primer for all those on the healing path, and for those who seek to guide others towards wholeness.

Gabor Mat, MD, Author of In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction

Anyone considering therapy or anyone who is offering it will treasure this bookso comprehensive, relevant, quotable, practical, doable and inspirational.

Joanie Tara, President of the Association of Cooperative Counselling Therapists of Canada

Ive known Catherine for many years and Duane for many decades. Together they are an incredible pair of angels. They have the experience, wisdom and method to help each individual with our life problems, and in doing that, we all can help ourselves and friends and families around us. Their book, Real, is a must for everyone of all ages to read and keep on the shelf as an instruction manual. We can create our own universe around us and have the ability to control our destiny. Whats the silver bullet? The magic pill? Its inside each of us, and Duane and Catherine are exceptionally great at helping each of us find ourselves, our path, and teach[ing] us how to follow it. Its not easy, its not light... Its heavy stuff but it works. Its REAL.

Randy Bachman, Host of CBC Radios Vinyl Tap and Canadian musician best known as lead guitarist, songwriter, and founding member of the 1960s and 70s rock bands The Guess Who and Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

In this book, Duane and Catherine identify a primary need of all human beingsconnection. They provide a model of awareness and communication that transforms conflict and separation into shared understanding and connection. Personal real-life examples illustrate the effectiveness of this way of being.

Mahmud Nestman, Counsellor and Director of the Cura Institute for Integrated Learning

Having run an A Course in Miraclesbased organization and magazine for 22 years, I can highly recommend Duane and Catherines work. It is deeply inspired by the Course and brings those principles to life in a dynamic, immediate and life-changing way.

Ian Patrick, Editor of Miracle Worker magazine

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

We have a tremendous amount of gratitude for many people who have contributed to our work and this book. Thank you to our families, particularly our parents, Bob, Audrey, and Lorraine, for your love and support and for understanding that your story is part of our story.

We have the best staff in the world! Thank you to our teaching and facilitating team for your love and creative input into our work. Thank you to our administration team for your unwavering support and patience when it takes days or weeks to get a response from us. Thank you to our marketing and promotions team for your absolute faith in what we do. Most of all, thank you, everyone, for your friendship.

To all our clients, both individual and the many who attend our group workshops, your courageous vulnerability is inspiring! Thank you for continuing to ask for this book: your persistence finally paid off. Hopefully it has lived up to your expectations.

To Julie Salisbury and the Influence Publishing team, we appreciate your skill and support as we navigate through this new literary territory.

We are grateful for the many personal and professional mentors who have impacted us, particularly Mahmud Nestman and Dale Trimble. Duane would also like to acknowledge Philip Mistleberger and Sandy Levey for their partnership and support in the early 1990s, as well as Robert Perry and Allen Watson for their mindful influence.

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

Catherine, every time you ask me if I know what time I am going to be home, I have to visit the home I came from first. When you seem unhappy I feel like a failure, just like my dad. That is where my upset really is. I didnt know that. I have been punishing you now for what happened to me back then. That isnt fair. I have no right to do that. You had nothing to do with it. I am sorry.

All you want to do is create a home for us. I am so scared of what you will find in me, that I am a failure, like my dad defective. I run, hide, and blame you for any of the problems, including accusing you of being needy. That is wrong and irresponsible. I have a problem. This is my problem. I am finally taking responsibility for what is my pain. I love you. You will never hear me suggest to you ever again that you are the explanation for my pain.

This is a book about connection. There is now an abundance of well-constructed long-term research that shows unequivocally that human beings are happier, healthier, and live longer when we have strong relationships. We are at our best when we are living a connected life, surrounded by people we love and care about. Unfortunately, these studies often conclude with some very light suggestions on how to build a strong relationship network. The solution to the problem of disconnection is more complex than bringing flowers home for your partner, or picking up the phone to connect with a relative you havent spoken to in a while.

Despite the fact that technology apparently has us more connected than in any other time in history, we are suffering in isolation. We dont know how to connect, and the ways we go about attempting to do so more often contribute to the problem. The lack of authentic connection permeates the very fabric of how we organize ourselves in the modern world. It explains and contributes more to our personal malaise, work issues, high divorce rates, mental illness, and physical sickness than any other factor. The violence, terrorism, and militant religious wars that erupt in our cities and world on a daily basis are more a result of a polarized and separated population than what is cited as the cause in the war rooms.