Mary Essinger - How to be a Merry Widow: life after death for the older lady

HOW TO BE A MERRY WIDOW

Life after death for the older lady

Mary Essinger

How to be a Merry Widow

Published by The Conrad Press in the United Kingdom 2018 First published by the Third Age Press 2007

Tel: +44(0)1227 472 874 www.theconradpress.com info@theconradpress.com

ISBN 978-1-912924-76-9

Copyright Mary Essinger, 2018

The moral right of Mary Essinger to be identified as author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved.

Typesetting and Cover Design by:Charlotte Mouncey, www.bookstyle.co.uk

The Conrad Press logo was designed by Maria Priestley.

If ever two were one, then surely we.

If ever man were lovd by wife, then thee;

If ever wife were happy in a man,

Compare with me ye women if you can.

I prize thy love more than whole mines of gold,

Or all the riches that the east doth hold

From To My Dear And Loving Husband Anne Bradstreet 16 th century

Introduction

T his book originated in a short article of the same title I wrote for the British newspaper The Guardian.

How to be a Merry Widow shows how a woman can create an interesting life for herself in her new role as a widow.

In this age of splintered families there will be fewer long marriages, and golden weddings may one day come to be regarded as rather quaint.

Those of us who have enjoyed a good marriage are well-placed to enjoy widowhood. Its not that being a widow is so dreadful. Its that being in a companionable marriage is so wonderful. People die but love does not die, we carry it with us.

I wrote most of this in my first year of living alone. Although there have been times when I would have given the rest of life for five minutes in his arms, there is a positive side to being single again and losing a husband sometimes means finding oneself.

Mary Essinger June 2018

ON THE PHONE TO THE TAXMAN

MEWont I get the married couples allowance any more?

TMWhen did he pass?

MEWhat do you mean?

TMWhen did he pass away?

MEHe died in August.

TMAfter this tax year ends you will no longer get that allowance.

METhats terrible. Id better find a new husband.

TM (Polite giggle ) I dont know about that.

MEAre you married?

TM(More giggles) Yes, unfortunately I am.

MEWhat a pity.

1. FAREWELL LONELINESS

Y ou are like an animal cut off from the herd; people are social beings and need to be with others. The very word solitary brings fear even to the most hardened criminal. Familiar rooms looked alien to me and a painting we had bought together seemed to stare accusingly. The silent house was eerie and evenings alone were alarming to the point of panic. With desperation as my only companion, all sorts of ideas came to mind: offering a home to a relative, taking in a student, finding a friend to share the house or selling up and moving into a hotel. Anything to prevent living alone. Displayed on the sideboard and windowsills were over one hundred sympathy cards, lovingly chosen, I am sure, and with kind messages. How wonderful it would have been if just one of the senders had phoned to say, Can I come round tonight? I resolved never to send a sympathy card to anyone. Instead I will telephone or write a letter.

Many women of our generation have never lived alone; we left our fathers house to move in with our husbands. Being on our own in a house is a complete change in our way of life. Even to watch people passing by makes us feel less isolated.

What can a widow do? First, know that the strangeness of loneliness is merely temporary and soon disappears. Avoid reading anything about bereavement and the various stages of grief; every person is different. Instead, think of widows you know who are leading happy and interesting lives; focus on one you admire, be inspired by her and see what you can learn from the way she tackles life. If she can do it you can do it. Persuade yourself that you are the kind of person who can rise above your present unhappy state.

Plus est en vous. (There is more within you.)

Motto of Gordonstoun School

Look on the positive side, no shirts to iron for a start. Rejoice in your independence. You can do exactly as you like; paint the house pink, invite your chain-smoking brother to stay or relocate to anywhere on the planet. Consider the good things about being alone. For the first time in your life you are free. Spoil yourself; spend his money on chocolate and taxis. Youre worth it.

A widower speaks - Dont get me wrong, Id a hundred times prefer she was still with me but I do enjoy the freedom.

Remove yourself from the place of loneliness, your home. Plan at least one social event every day and plan outings to look forward to. Unless you are dying, staying in all day is a bad idea and will make you morose. You may have demanding things to do in the home but go out at least for some part of the day. Too cold? Wear three coats but go out. Raining? Big umbrella but go out. Not feeling too good? Try fresh air and a walk. Fight any temptation to hide away feeling sorry for yourself.

A widow speaks - I pushed myself with all I had to do, all the paperwork and the flat feeling when it was finished. Im all right when Im busy.

Do not dismiss the idea of going out to work again especially if you are in good health. New legislation is in place preventing discrimination against older people. Study the Situations Vacant columns in newspapers and the cards in job centres; you will be surprised at the variety of work listed. One friend invigilates exams in a college and another is a life model for an art class.

Plan a personal project; something to occupy your thoughts and energy; something to get your teeth into. Perhaps a re-design of the garden or a spare room. Family history is absorbing and so is academic study, especially if there is a certificate at the end as a target. Open University courses are hugely life-enhancing and there will be many students older than you, unless youre a hundred and two. Busy people are not lonely. A friend tells me that widows are in a trance for the first year; perhaps Im in a trance writing this.

A widow speaks - I play the piano when Im fed up. Sometimes I have to force myself but it makes such a difference. The music takes me away.

Have a daily paper delivered. You dont have to read it all and recycling is a nuisance but a national paper keeps you in touch with the world. Youll probably be waking early anyway and a cheering routine is to make a cup of tea, collect the paper, return to your bedroom and do the crossword or that exasperating sudoku.

A friend tells me a dog is not only wonderful company but everybody else with a dog will stop for a chat with you; she says dogs make people happy. Im toying with the idea of a cat.

A widow speaks - If youre on your own I dont think you could live without a dog. Who would you talk to? When I go home he greets me as if Ive been away for a year.

Take risks; go to a show alone. You will be sitting in a row of people at the theatre just as you would with a husband. You can walk in a busy park alone saying hello to children.

Some activities are even better on your own, shopping and libraries for example, where you can browse forever. But going to parties by yourself is definitely not advisable. It is one thing to stand with a drink in your hand making small talk knowing theres a husband in the corner grumbling and wanting to go home and quite another matter if he is not there. You feel lost. Invited to parties, merry widows should ask if they can bring a friend.