Annie Carr - An Alcoholic in the Family--A Relatives Perspective

I n the best tradition of Alcoholics Anonymous my name is John and I am an alcoholic.

I have been drinking for longer than I can remember, but I didnt realise I was an alcoholic until it started controlling every aspect of my life. Nothing mattered more than my next drink. Friends and family, however close, faded into the background. I didnt know or care that my life was spiralling out of control until my life didnt seem worth living anymore.

M y brother-in-law is an alcoholic who is choosing not to drink. He selflessly and bravely asked me to write this book. I thank him for his courage, and all I want now is for John to live a long, happy and healthy life, alcohol free.

My heartfelt thanks go to my husband, family and friends for their love, support and encouragement while I was writing my first book. I feel so cherished having these people in my life.

M y brother-in-law John is an alcoholic who chooses not to drink. He is really enjoying life at the moment, and looking the happiest and healthiest I have ever seen him in the forty-five plus years that I have known him. He is confident, motivated and working to help other alcoholics to get on with their lives, whether they are currently drinking or choosing not to.

The aim of my book is to show how having a drinking alcoholic in your family can affect your life, possibly more than you could ever imagine. This is a true story. Yours will be different, but some things are just inevitable. For an alcoholic to stop drinking, for example, there has to be a fundamental change in their thinking. They have to find something they want in their lives more than alcohol, something better than what they currently have. Somehow, they have to find the resolve and commitment within themselves, because no-one else can do it for them and the dual challenges of stopping drinking and staying sober are many. Just imagine that, I have enough trouble keeping to my New Year Resolutions for a few weeks!

With John it seemed that he had to go and peak over the precipice a few times before he would detox, but that precipice became more and more scary each time. The last time for John was when he didnt see any future for himself or any point in living, and he became suicidal. The fact is, John will always be an alcoholic - always just a slip and a drink away from spiralling back into the hell that being a drinking alcoholic is - and that is not a place he wants to be, ever again.

This true story spans more than fifteen years since alcohol first started to affect Johns life. His brother William and I only became involved about six years ago, but the impact on our lives has been life-changing. We were both just a year away from retirement, living 100 miles away from John, and his only close relatives. In all modesty, without us I dont think he would have survived.

Some time ago, John, my husband William and I were chatting about recent years, and William said that we felt mentally scarred by the experience. John was shocked and sad, saying that he had never really thought about the effect on us in any great detail. That was really hurtful for us, but now he is more aware, he is beginning to understand how his alcohol abuse has had a lasting impact on us too.

Although at the time of writing John has been sober for seventeen months or so, the bad memories just wont go away. The problem is that you cannot forget what has happened. You cannot un-see what you have seen, or forget the gross things you had to deal with, and there are no guarantees it will not happen again. Lastly, you will never get that wasted time back again, and that doesnt seem fair.

Alcoholics are fond of saying that alcoholism as an illness, but it is not cancer or heart disease: its an addiction that in the beginning was self-inflicted and then escalated until the alcohol abuse made the drinker too selfish to see the havoc going on around them. By that time, they neither know or care about the effect of their alcoholism on other people, however close. But when you are on the other side of the fence, dealing with the mayhem, the title alcoholic feels like a cop-out, a fait accompli that somehow makes it acceptable.

Of course we are very proud of John for turning his life around again, but you cant just brush away all that has happened. I am basically a glass half-full kind of girl, but something inside me will never feel quite the same again. It may sound ridiculously over-dramatic but that is the truth.

In the beginning there was shock, frustration, anger, shame and a feeling of hopelessness. There didnt seem to be any literature out there to support us or help us to understand what was happening. No-one to relate to, no-one to talk to who had been in our shoes and understood. It would have helped just to have a friendly voice on the end of the telephone to discuss practical issues with, or someone to laugh, cry or have a good moan with! Everything is geared to the alcoholic - endless help and support groups, but we just had to stumble around and find our own way. It was traumatic looking on from the side-lines, not knowing how to help, what to do or where to turn. Being a close relative of a drinking alcoholic brings with it a huge roller coaster of emotions: sympathy, anger, frustration, sadness and an endless range of other feelings, some sympathetic, others definitely not so.

All this is completely normal and understandable, but when you are caring for an alcoholic it is vitally important that you look after yourselves. You have to be realistic. You cant stop anyone from doing anything, or control or change their behaviour. Nothing you did would have caused them to start drinking, and sadly nothing you can do will make them stop. The decision has to be theirs, and that can be a very long time coming. Its a bit of a bummer, but you have to decide early on whether you want to keep trying to help and support them, or not. Some choose to walk away from the problem, and I would never criticise anyone who chooses to do that. Its certainly not for the faint-hearted. So make sure you look after yourselves, because it is a physically, mentally, exhausting and thankless task most of the time - do your best but dont let it take over your life. This last bit is easier said than done.

Its only because of our exposure to alcoholism through Johns experience that we have become aware how widespread this invidious condition is. Since I started writing this book I have discovered how many friends and acquaintances are similarly affected, so it is no surprise that approximately 7% of the UK adult population are living their lives dependent on alcohol. Each year the NHS spends 6.5 billion on alcohol abuse-related issues, and another 20 billion on associated health issues. Alcoholics take a staggering 17 million days of alcohol-related sick leave per year. What a waste of resources, having to follow them around and clear up the mess they leave behind, but what is absolutely tragic is the waste of their lives and the destructive effect on families and friends.