Been There - How To Live With An Alcoholic and Still Enjoy Your Life!

Copyright 2013 Been There

Edition 2 (first edition published2011)

Smashwords Edition

This book may not be copied,distributed, reposted, reprinted or shared, without permission ofthe author directly. She can be contacted through her websitelisted below.

About The Author

The author is an award-winning writer who hasworked as a professional journalist specializing in health issues.Due to the personal nature of this book, the author has decided toremain anonymous for the time being.

She has been blogging on the topic of How toLive with An Alcoholic since 2007.

You can contact her or visit herwebsite: http://www.howtolivewithanalcoholic.com.wordpress.com

PLEASE NOTE: For consistency purposes,throughout the book, I refer to the alcoholic as 'your partner'.This can mean boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife.

This book is aimed at both men andwomen who are living with an alcoholic partner. However, throughoutthe book I refer to the alcoholic you are living with as he. Ifully acknowledge that alcoholism is a major issue for women, tooand that the he referral is used purely for ease of reading, butcan be substituted for 'she' when applicable.

INTRODUCTION - THECRYSTAL BALL

Let me look into my crystal ball ... Hmmm ...I see arguing, I see that you are often called a nag, that you havebeen struggling for months, no, I correct myself, actually years,to get a person you love and care for to quit drinking becauseeverything will be all right if only you could get him to quitdrinking. The arguments, they're classic, aren't they? It looks tome that even if you dont say anything, he is blaming the row onyou because of your refusal to speak.

If you do say something, your genius of aloved one will manage to twist it and distort it into a reason forhim to storm away and get drunk. Sure, why wouldnt he? It is allyour fault, dont you know? You drive him to it! Well, that is whathe wants you to believe and sometimes you even believe it, dontyou?

You question what you are doing to cause hisbad behavior; youve tried to change things so he will just stopdrinking. Youve walked on eggshells, so to speak, James Bond palesin comparison to the lengths you have gone to find a solution. Tofind a way to make everything better.

I delve a little deeper and I see that youhave come to be somewhat of a stranger to yourself; you feel youhave hardened, you have become bitter, resentful, but hey, thatsthe hand life dealt you, and you can put on a brave face and dealwith it. Well, that is what you tell yourself.

Oh look, there you are on the phone tofriends, making excuses; youre sick - a virus of some sort, so itis best for them not to come over. Oh, I see you on the phoneagain, now you are saying he's sick, he has hurt his back, he cantmake it into work again. You really hate those calls dont you? Youknow the manager knows you are making excuses for him, you feel afool. But you take a deep breath and ignore the tension in yourhead. Tension? Yes, the tension, you have probably become so usedto it that you dont notice it anymore. Just take a moment, relaxyour forehead, let your ears drop. Yes, I know that sounds strange,but they do drop when you relax your forehead! You probably feelyour jaw become less tight and your hairline move back slightly yes, thats how your face feels when it is relaxed its been awhile since it felt like that, hasn't it?

Back to my crystal ball ... ah yes, I seecelebrations! But you do not look forward to them anymore.Occasions such as birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries ... you lookanxious. Why? I hear him saying, "Will you relax! Dont be such akilljoy!" "Why do you have to put a damper on everything?", "ItsChristmas for goodness sake!". Drink is flowing and there is afalse sense of merriment, but you are getting tenser and tenser.Feel your forehead; the tension is back even by just thinking aboutit, isnt it?

You have become so controlling over anotheradult that it is ridiculous you monitor his every move, you checkin on him if he is out of sight, you constantly need an account ofhis actions. This is done through casual conversation, but he knowswhat you are at and he will give you all the right answers. So youhave had to become more cunning and think of new ways of keeping acheck on him, but he still manages to get drunk.

I see a black hole forming, a big black hole.What is it? Its ... its your bank account! Money is slidingthrough your fingers, but the bills keep coming through themailbox. You used to be quite good with managing money but now nomatter how hard you try, you never seem to have enough to make endsmeet and counting the bottles going into recycling I can seewhy.

Why does your chest tighten and head racewhen your loved one does ... what is he doing, whats the trigger?I cant quite make it out, what is he saying or doing? Is it, Imjust going out to get ... or is it a phone call saying he wontbe home?.. Oh no I'm wrong, there isnt a phone call, he justdoesnt arrive! Or is it when you hear him in the other room tryingto open the cupboard quietly and slowly unscrew the lid of theliquor bottle when he is supposed to be making a cup of coffee?

Your chest tightens and the barrier goes up.Yes, the barrier, you know the one. That invisible shield thatstops him ripping out your heart and shredding it anymore. Its assolid as a brick wall, it makes you cold and calculating, it makesyou snappy and sometimes its not the drinker that gets theresulting anger, but the kids or other loved ones. But at leastits better than the way you used to be before you found thebarrier remember? You were an emotional wreck, the way you usedto beg him to stop; the way you cried yourself to sleep, the highyou felt when he promised he would stop, he said he wouldnt causeyou that hurt and pain again. But he did drink again.

Remember the depths you would plummet tothen? And the ride would start all over again. But then you foundyour shield, your barrier. If he cant get through the barrier, hecant hurt you like that again. No one can.

Oh, Ive found a dark spot; whats this? Yousecretly sometimes wish he would die so you could get on withthings, or maybe Im reading that wrong, maybe it is sometimes youwish something serious would happen to you so that he would have tostop and take responsibility.

Hmmm ... let me look into your past a little... you used to have a bigger social circle than you have now; youhave cut yourself off a bit. No actually, quite a lot. You laugheda lot more, you looked a lot better and you were so much moreself-confident.

But I see a lonely front door; why doesnobody call anymore? I see someone, a friend telling you exactlywhat they think of your loved one; theyre saying you should leavehim. But they dont understand, this is the person you love,; hewould be lost without you, you would be lost without him, he isjust going through a bad patch, he is a good person underneath itall. After all you did fall in love with him, so he cant be allthat bad. Youre an intelligent person, your judgment couldnt bethat wrong.

The person they are talking about is not theperson you fell in love with. It is just a facade; its like thedrink causes this alien to come and inhabit his body and pretendsto be him but the alien doesnt have it quite right, everythingis exaggerated, the personality, the emotions, the actions. Itsnot the real him. You actually hate the alien, detest him, but youlove the real person so much that you couldnt leave him. Althoughyou have tried to leave in the past or threatened to, even if thealien left and promised never to come back,he always did.

You love him so you try to shield him fromembarrassing himself in front of others and try to shield him fromcriticism and humiliation. You dont care if you come across as afool for doing it.