Stephanie Jones - Into The Flames: A Life In Transition

Into The Flames

A Life in Transition

Stephanie Jones

Copyright 2017 Stephanie Jones

The moral right of the author has been asserted.

Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of research or private study, or criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, this publication may only be reproduced, stored or transmitted, in any form or by any means, with the prior permission in writing of the publishers, or in the case of reprographic reproduction in accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency. Enquiries concerning reproduction outside those terms should be sent to the publishers.

Matador

9 Priory Business Park,

Wistow Road, Kibworth Beauchamp,

Leicestershire. LE8 0RX

Tel: 0116 279 2299

Email: books@troubador.co.uk

Web: www.troubador.co.uk/matador

Twitter: @matadorbooks

ISBN 978 1788030 915

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data.

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Matador is an imprint of Troubador Publishing Ltd

For Dawn, Nathan and Joshua
Lighthouses in the Storm

I am not sure why I chose to write a book, and if asked why Im pretty sure I would mumble some kind of vague, nondescript answer because I never planned to do this; it simply happened. I turned on a tap of memories, experiences and emotions that, once flowing, was very hard to stop! It was very much like my transition in that respect.

I have to admit, though, that once I started the work I really enjoyed the creative experience and the demands of putting pen to paper, or perhaps finger to keyboard is a more appropriate description of my efforts! I have drawn upon so many memories and experiences, some of which have been particularly upsetting, painful to recall and vividly emotional, but I believe this was necessary in order to provide an insight into the wild roller-coaster ride that is transition. Of course, some of these memories have been very hard to put into words and it has been difficult to express how I truly felt (particularly working within the limitations of my writing inexperience), but I have tried my best to convey my feelings, worries and thoughts, and how I have tried to cope. Overall, the process has proven to be a cathartic experience, and in hindsight one which has challenged me to confront painful memories and realities. It has also helped me clear out emotional baggage and face up to fears that no longer have a place in my mind.

This book mainly describes my experiences while transitioning from male to female over a two-year period commencing in April 2015 and leading up to the present day. It dips its toes into my earliest memories of feeling a little different from a very young age, and my teen years through to young adulthood, the fire service years, and finally the present day. I hope it provides an insight into what drives a person to cross the gender divide, and discusses the subsequent losses, gains and challenges such a decision can bring. It is intended to highlight some pitfalls and provide a little practical help and reassurance for those beginning their own journey. I do not claim to be an expert in any way and therefore this book is not written from an academic standpoint; it is purely an insight into my transition and as such, it is a mixture of deeply personal experiences, thoughts, and observations, offset occasionally by humour, or at least what I perceive as humour!

Transition is a uniquely challenging and quite extraordinary journey, and one I would have found so much harder and perhaps even impossible to undertake without the support of family and very dear friends and with them I have indeed stepped Into The Flames , both literally and figuratively. It is definitely not a journey you can take on your own; it requires the help and support of others along the way, especially when things get tough! My dear friends and family have provided all of this and more, and you know what we have even managed to share a laugh along the way, even when things have seemed impossible and beyond reach! I hope you enjoy the read, and if it helps you along your way, lights your path a little or perhaps even raises a chuckle, then this book has achieved exactly what I hoped it would!

Stephanie

The Early Years

Well, where do I begin? I guess February 2nd 1966 is as good a place as any. A small, healthy baby boy named Mark was born into a warm and caring family. Child number three of three, all smiles and happiness and a new life begins. However, what no one knew at the time was that at some point during this particular minor miracle, Mother Nature had nodded off for a second or two, and as a result, this baby boy was destined to be a bit different and a little bit special!

As far I can remember, things went pretty much as expected for the next five years or so; nothing unusual yes, I was a quiet, introverted child who loved playing imaginary games and had an artistic streak, but overall I was a happy, loved little person who as far I can recall didnt have a care in the world and to all intents and purposes was following an expected life path.

Im not sure precisely when I picked up my ticket and took my front-row seat on lifes roller coaster, but it was certainly in primary school. I recall feeling a little different at this tender age and wondering why I couldnt line up with the other girls to enter the school why was I in the boys line? Why couldnt I play with the girls, and why couldnt I grow my hair and wear skirts as they did? Many questions going through a very young mind, and no answers to any of them!

Aged 7

It was around this time that during my walks home from school (yes, it was a safer society in those days), I started to call in on my grandmother for some penny sweets, and whilst there I discovered the delights of make-up and how natural it felt for me to try it, just as most other young girls of my age were doing. Many a happy time was spent experimenting behind a locked bathroom door, usually with disastrous results, mind you, but I was happy and comfortable and for those precious moments all was well in my world.

However, even though I didnt realize it then, it was around this time that the dreaded guilt complex took seed, which would continue to grow steadily for the next forty years or so, insidious, insatiable, fed and nurtured by society, family, friends and life in general.

Even at this early age, the internal emotional conflict that was to plague me for the rest of my life was developing, and even though my need to express my feminine side felt so right and natural to me, I already knew that societys perception was that it was not what I was supposed to do, that these feelings would not be acceptable to others, and therefore it was something that should be kept a secret and hidden well.

These secretive thoughts and behavioural restrictions were reinforced by the attitudes of friends, family, society, and also on one occasion by the gentlest and kindest of people, my mum, who chastised me once for using her scented bath soap. It was a small but very significant moment in my young life; the smack on my shoulder was a reminder that hiding was the best form of defence, and so I hid for the next forty-five years!

At this tender age, I was as resilient as most young people are and therefore I was very innocent, adaptive and blissfully unaware of the negative impact the conflict in my young mind was starting to develop within me. The anxieties, guilt, confusion and the negative experiences of being different would continue to shape and affect me for the rest of my life.