Bono Chaz - Transition: becoming who i was always meant to be

A PLUME BOOK

TRANSITION

CHAZ BONO lives in Los Angeles.

BILLIE FITZPATRICK is a writer and book collaborator. She co-wrote Chazs first book, Family Outing. Billie lives with her family near Boston, Massachusetts.

TRANSITION

Becoming Who I Was Always Meant to Be

CHAZ BONO

with Billie Fitzpatrick

A PLUME BOOK

This book is dedicated to all the kids and teens
of Transforming Family

PLUME

Published by the Penguin Group

Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A. Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4P 2Y3 (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.) Penguin Books Ltd., 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England Penguin Ireland, 25 St. Stephens Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd.) Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty. Ltd.) Penguin Books India Pvt. Ltd., 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi 110 017, India Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, Auckland 0632, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd.) Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty.) Ltd., 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

Published by Plume, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

Previously published in a Dutton edition.

First Plume Printing, June 2012

Copyright Chaz Bono, 2011

All rights reserved

REGISTERED TRADEMARK MARCA REGISTRADA

The Library of Congress has catalogued the Dutton edition as follows:

Bono, Chaz.

Transition : the story of how I became a man / by Chaz Bono, with Billie Fitzpatrick.

p. cm.

ISBN: 978-1-101-47648-2

1. Bono, Chaz. 2. TranssexualsUnited StatesBiography. 3. Transgender peopleUnited StatesBiography. 4. Gender identityUnited StatesPsychological aspects.

I. Fitzpatrick, Billie. II. Title.

HQ77.8.B66A3 2011

306.768dc22 2011004279

Original hardcover design by Francesca Belanger

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are the authors alone.

T he last image you might have of me is from about ten plus years ago when I was working as a gay and lesbian activist. At that time, I was also writing books (first Family Outing and next End of Innocence). Then I more or less disappeared.

In my first book, Family Outing, I described the events that led to a life-changing moment when I discovered that I was attracted to girls instead of boys, and drew the logical conclusion that I was a lesbian. Family Outing also included my moms side of the story, how shed had intuitive hunches since I was very young that I might not grow up to be just like her and that I might, indeed, be gay. In that way, Family Outing was also a coming out guide; I felt compelled to share my storynot to shock people with a tell-all memoir but rather to reach out to other gay people and their families who were trying to overcome the many challenges of coming out, hoping that they might benefit from my struggle and experience.

Just as I was finishing Family Outing, my dad died in a freak skiing accident. I pulled myself together for a couple of years, began writing End of Innocence, which was my attempt to make sense of my early music career, its precipitous demise, and my passionate relationship with an older woman. Tragically, Joan died of cancer, after less than two years of powerful love and intense involvement.

These personal losses triggered a gradual but extreme downward spiral in my life that ultimately led me to develop an addiction to prescription painkillersthe only way I found at the time to take the edge off the searing pain inside of me. Though it was a slow progression over many years, my addiction to prescription opiates made it impossible to continue working, and, in fact, I barely made it through writing End of Innocence.

My books were heartfelt attempts to give something back to the world and offer something of value to people who might have related to my experiencescoming out, struggling to define a career, or caring for or losing a loved one. As with any project I take on or job I do, I gave all I had to those two books, or as much as I had at the time.

But when I disappeared, drugs and grief were not the only reasons.

The truth is that something very deep inside of me was slowly coming to the surface. Through the pain and sorrow of the loss of both Joan and then my dad; through the frustration and disappointment of my failed music career; through the haze of my dependence on prescription drugs, I began to realize a truth about myself that was so frightening that I became completely paralyzed. In turn, I became so disgusted with my inability to stand up for myself that I retreated further into drugs and the smallest circle of friends and family I could manage.

This truth that was slowly emerging had a hazy beginning. Since I was a child, Id been aware of a part of me that did not fit. At first, I thought this sense of not fitting in was about me being gay. But as time went on, and I tried different ways of being a lesbianfrom lipstick to stone butchI had to admit to myself that the something nagging at me was a lot more complicated than just my sexual orientation. Even when I was active in the gay community, I never felt completely at ease. There was something else about me that didnt make sense, something that was much more profound and a lot more threatening. And it took me years to put my finger on what about me felt so disturbing.