Louis Anderson - The F Word: How to Survive Your Family

Copyright 2002 by Louie Anderson

All rights reserved.

Warner Books, Inc.

Hachette Book Group

237 Park Avenue

New York, NY 10017

Visit our website at www.HachetteBookGroup.com

First eBook Edition: October 2009

ISBN: 978-0-446-56865-4

E2-20221029-PDJ-PC-VAL

In this book, the identities of certain family members, friends, and acquaintances have been obscured or their names changed.

I have great affection for those whove been kind enough to share family stories and lessons learned. To them, I owe my deepest gratitude.

LOUIE ANDERSON, May 2002

To my family for once again allowing me to share their lives with strangers. I realized in writing this book how we are all in the same boat on this journey, and I appreciate the good company.

To my friends, those who have become a part of my new extended family in many ways. It would take another book just to list you all here, but I have learned from you the possibilities of what families can be. Though we may float in and out of each others lives, you are always in my heart.

To the people who helped directly bring this book into existence, this has been such a personal experience for me; I hope you have gotten out of this even a small part of how much you have given of yourselves in making this a reality. My greatest thanks to David Vigliano, a super agent and a funny guy in his own right. To Rick Horgan, an editor who pushed us to help this book reach its potential even when we at times resisted; to the other good folks at Warner Books: Jackie Meyer, Christine Dao, Madeleine Schachter, Katharine Rapkin, Bob Castillo, Jim Spivey, Tom Whatley, Heidi Winter, and H. B. Fenn. To Alex Murray for encouraging me to do this book in the first place. To Scott Hunter for working so diligently on getting together everything we needed. To Aaron Schlichting for working so hard on the original illustrations. To Dave Gilbertson for reading the drafts, giving us feedback, and introducing us to your wonderful family from North Dakota. To Jim Gitar, who has often been there for me as a father, a brother, a golfing buddy, a manager, and a friend. To Mildred Newman, who helped us and would have loved this book. To Natalie Kurlander for putting up with my borrowing her husband for. so long (although at times Im sure it was a blessing); and to Campbell Kurlanderthe worlds smartest three-year-oldfor letting her Daddy spend time with me he would have been spending reading you a story. To Carl Kurlander, who has been my friend for fifteen years and, in some ways, my twelfth sibling: This book has taught us both what collaboration meansand is in many ways a product of our long-running, continual dialogue. And dont think it has stopped just because the book is over. To Abraham Geisness, for being my spiritual guide, my good friend, and a person who is not afraid to always tell the truth.

And finally, to my fans, who have been there with me through all these years. You are the family I am so lucky to have. The ones who bring me the unconditional love I wish for each of you. Your support means so much. Ill see you at the shows, but please feel free to let me know your thoughts about this book by e-mailing me at www.louieanderson.com.

N o matter how hard I try, no matter how much money I spend, no matter how much I pray, theres no way I can change, fix, or reinvent my family. But still I try.

S urvey says family. In a recent survey, when people were asked what they wanted most, they didnt answer: wealth, fame, or to golf better than Tiger Woods. Instead, the number one answer was to resolve some problem with my family.

Lets be honest, folks. Some of us have a better chance of defeating Tiger Woods at the Masters than fixing our families. Some of us may even think wed be better off using a golf club on our families to resolve problems. In golf, we can at least learn a stance, a grip, a swing. But theres no instructional guide for dealing with our lovedor not so lovedones.

All of us have memories of Dad kneeling on the floor Christmas morning, instructions laid out, trying to put together a bike or wagon. In the Anderson house, we were lucky if my father even glanced at those instructions (if he did, it was only after the surrender of his know-it-all attitude). As hed proudly present me with his version of a two-wheel Schwinn glider, Id notice some extra pieces lying on the floor. Hey, Dad, what are these for? Hed glare at me. As he grabbed the bolts and tossed them in the drawer, hed explain, They only throw in those things so they can jack up the price.

Even if there were an instruction book on how to raise a family, my dad probably wouldnt have read it. The only thing I know for sureafter experiencing two parents, four grandparents, ten brothers and sisters, twenty-seven nieces and nephews, and over twenty great-nieces and nephewsis that theres not one set of instructions for making families function. Thats why Ive decided to share my forty-nine years of family experiences and some ideas that worked and some that didnt.

When I wrote my first book, Dear Dad, I was trying to make peace with my deceased father whose alcoholism had damaged everyone in my family. This book is more about finding peace with those he left behind, those whom I care about most but who oftenunintentionallycause me the most pain. (Im sure I cause them pain as well.) In this era in which dysfunctional families are more the norm than the exception, a survival guide might help a lot of us. I dont think Im alone in trying to deal with family squabbles, family reunions, family finances, and family histories. (Maybe youre getting a sense of why I titled this book The F Word.) My hope is that what Ill be saying here will inspire people and help them understand that were all trying to get to the same destination.

I realize that many of my experiences are darker than most. A lot of people come from wonderful, happy homes. Their success stories just dont get the press. You never see an anchor from Dateline announce, Tonight the Smiths had a nice family dinner, enjoyed a movie together, and kissed each other goodnight. Doing comedy around the country, Ive met many great families and have learned a lot from them. Much of their wisdom is included in what follows. But even these great families acknowledge theres always room for improvement. When I was hosting Family Feud, I ended each showing by telling audiences Be good to your families. This book tries to show how.

I m in Vegas in the house where Ive come to live for a year, escaping Los Angeles. Its not lost on me that this is where Nick Cages character in Leaving Las Vegas comes after being sick of L.A., and when he is drinking too much. Ultimately, the movie makes clear that, for the Cage character, leaving Las Vegas means never leaving at all.

Its a Thursday and Im about to start a two-week stint headlining at Ballys casino. I dont think I can get through it. Even if I do, the money I make will just go to pay government back taxes. Ive pissed away so much moneyby purchasing crap, hiring too many employees, and gamblingthat Im now $500,000 in debt. If thats not enough, Im being blackmailed by someone whos threatening to undermine my career. The world seems like a cruel place.