Will Miller - Refrigerator Rights: Creating Connections and Restoring Relationships Revised and Updated

Could a simple test involving your refrigerator reveal why Americans have so many problems with depression, loneliness, and marital discord?... A new book that examines the loss of deep, supportive relationships in America.

The Indianapolis Star

Intriguing.

The Tennessean

The authors explore how unfortunate contemporary realitiesfrequent relocations, obsessive focus on careers, and too much time spent with electronic mediacan erode these relationships. They offer guidance on how to reverse this trend and nurture such critical association... Miller and Sparks call attention to an important issue.

Publishers Weekly

[The authors] have found a new metaphor that expresses the isolation and unfamiliarity most of us feel in our society.

Morning Call (Allentown, Pennsylvania)

Refrigerator Rights

Refrigerator
Rights

Creating Connections
and
Restoring Relationships

Dr. Will Miller

and

Dr. Glenn Sparks

White River Press

Amherst, Massachusetts

REFRIGERATOR RIGHTS, 2nd edition. Revised and Updated. 2015.

Copyright 2015, 2008, 2007, 2002 by Dr. Will Miller and Dr. Glenn Sparks.

All rights reserved

Publication history

Willow Creek edition, revised and expanded, published 2008

First White River Press edition published 2007

A Perigee Book published by the Berkley Publishing Group, a division of Penguin

Putnam Inc. Copyright 2002 by Willco, Inc. (hardcover edition)

Perigee trade paperback edition published October 2003

Refrigerator Rights is a trademark belonging to Dr. Will Miller

Original cover design (hardcover edition) by Ben Gibson

Interior and cover design for this edition by Doug Lufkin, Lufkin Graphic Design

ISBN: 978-1-887043-19-9

ISBN: 978-1-887043-20-5 eBook

White River Press

PO Box 3561

Amherst, Massachusetts 01004

Whiteriverpress.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Miller, Will, Dr.

Refrigerator rights : creating connections and restoring

Relationships / Will Miller and Glenn Sparks.

p. m.

Originally published: New York : Perigee Books, c2002.

Includes biographical references.

ISBN 978-0-9792451-0-7

1. Interpersonal relations. 2. Social networks. 3. Social isolation.

I. Sparks, Glenn Grayson. II. Title

HM1106.M547 2007

302.545dc22

2007017883

Contents

Since this book was originally printed, numerous new studies have been published that support various aspects of the Refrigerator Rights thesis. To keep tabs on the latest research, find us on Facebook at Refrigerator rights, or on Twitter at fridgerights1.

Spring 2015

In the years since the initial release of Refrigerator Rights: Creating Connections and Restoring Relationships, we have been overwhelmed by the deluge of supporting evidence for our thesis. When our research began, we suspected that the combination of our societys high rates of relocation with increasing time spent with the media was psychologically combustible. Now, even more than before, we believe in the truth of this thesisso much so that we were persuaded to update and re-release the book and renew our commitment to spread the message that the quality of our lives depends upon the quality of the relationships that we forge with those around us.

Over these past years, we have become completely persuaded that the unusually high rates of stress-related problems among Americans are somehow rooted in our isolated, media lifestyle that is saturated with new technology. Our argument is that the core challenge to our sense of contentment is in our lifestyle rather than in our psyche. In essence we need to address the external characteristics of our lifestyle in addition to, and even before looking inward for, the cause of our discontent. We believe that many of our stress problems are the consequence of not having an adequate social support network.

In order to bring to life the meaning of the term social support system, we use the concept of refrigerator rights relationships. These relationships are the ones in which the people in our life can literally help themselves to the contents of our refrigerator without needing permission. These are the brothers, sisters, children, parents, and others who know us without pretense. They see us in our bathrobe and hear us talk the way our kids hear us talk. They are typically not the people we interact with solely (or mostly) by using email, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or other social media platforms.

We are giving nearly40 hours every week to television and online activities including social media...

In our experience, and borne out by an ocean of ongoing research, these are the relationships that are missing in the lives of millions of Americans. This phenomenon of disconnection from close relationships has come about as a result of our constant relocation, and the tendency to immerse ourselves in electronic mediasometimes to the point of addiction. The one-two punch of relocation and media causes many of us to drift unawares into a life of individuality, singularity, and emotional isolation. The latest research shows that we are giving nearly 40 hours every week to television and online activities including social media, surfing the web, playing video games, and more. Phoning and texting now consume an average of 23 hours per week, mostly by people in the 1834 age bracketthe Millennial Generation, causing this age group to become more detached even while connected. Every hour we spend looking at a screen is an hour that we are not looking at a human face. The result of this sociological picturemoving, media, and electronicsis a life stripped of a vital resource for maintaining emotional well-being.

Ever since Refrigerator Rights was first published, we have spoken about this thesis in interviews and speeches to audiences across the country. We have been impressed with the response we receive from virtually everyone. It seems universally relevant that this practice of serial relocation (once every five years) and giving hours to media and new technology characterizes the modern lifestyle for the majority of those we encounter. In addition, we have been encouraged by the hope that this book brings to people. The fix for our stress problems may not lie in hours of therapy and personal introspection, but in addressing the life of isolation into which we have fallen.

It is this last point that has had the most significant impact on most of the people we have heard from over these years. We vigorously support the work of counselors and mental health professionals who help restore the mood of people troubled by life circumstances. However, we have come to believe that many people, vexed by anxiety or a low mood, fail to factor in the role that social isolation is playing in the diagnostic picture. With apologies to the well-intentioned self-help industry, the reality is that individual self-fixes rarely work in the face of a life devoid of refrigerator-rights relationships.

The message of this book is becoming more relevant by the year. We continue to be mobile, and the hours we devote to media and new technology are growing at a rapid rate. In addition, as more countries follow our cultural pattern, we believe they will encounter the same relational and emotional challenges that we confront. For it is undeniable that the United States, despite our enviable wealth and privilege, leads the developed world in stress-related disorders. And these problems are particularly felt among our most successful career professionals whose moving and radical individualism make them especially vulnerable to the ravages of stress. The residue of this stress is virtual epidemic rates of depression and anxiety disorders. Further, we are often plagued with other behavior difficulties that are the fallout of the loss of extended family mentoring.