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Craig Bridger - Surviving Groomzilla: A Brides Guide

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Book:
Surviving Groomzilla: A Brides Guide
Author:
Craig Bridger
Publisher:
Citadel Press
Genre:
Books / Home and family
Year:
2012
Rating:
4 / 5
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Groomzilla: noun.
1) An ordinary man who, upon betrothal, transforms into a pastry tasting, Save the Date card-obsessed know-it-all.
2) A brides worst nightmare.
Maybe youve never seen one yourself, but hes out there. Bridezillas evil twin: Groomzilla. Hes real, all right. Hes armed with color swatches and his very own copy of Modern Brideand hes here to plan your wedding. . .
Once upon a time, wedding planning was the brides project. But if youre recently engaged, then you just might have a Groomzilla on your hands.
Craig Bridger was a Groomzilla, and lived to tell the tale. Inside, hell help you tame your Groomzilla before all hell breaks loose. Youll get groom-tested advice, tactics, scientific* charts and a free set of steak knives*.
Its your wedding. Groomzilla cant have it, but maybe he can borrow it* if he behaves.
*Not true.
*Also, technically, not true.
*Dont let him borrow it.
Highly entertaining and bursting with information. Jenny Lee, author of I Do. I Did. Now What?!
David Sedaris meets Emily Post in Surviving Groomzilla. . .Bridgers insights made me burst a corset. Lucy Talbot, author of The Bridesmaids Guerrilla Handbook

Craig Bridger: author's other books

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Table of Contents

Acknowledgments

Having never been in the position of writing acknowledgments for a book (even a silly wedding humor book), I find I dont know where to start. Im reminded of Kurt Vonnegut, one of my heroes, and how he told readers when he was joking, so that theyd know how to react.

This is not a joke.

I want to thank my agent, Jason Anthony (now of Lippincott Massie Mcquilkin), who read an article in The New York Times by an unknown writermeand thought, This guy could write a book. Jason has single-handedly redeemed agents in my eyes. Thanks also to Danielle Chiotti, my editor at Kensington, for her encouragement and good humor. I want to acknowledge my models (Justin and Devon Spencer, Ashley Balavender, John Kwasik, Julia Tobey-Fischer, Nick Garcia, my own Tara), good sports all, for posing for some of the silly photos youll find in here. I am indebted to Ted Giannoulas, the one and only Famous Chicken , for graciously granting permisson to use his name and image in the book. And to Tim Slover and Robert Hamilton, for supplying anecdotes used in The Groomzilla Files . A nod to my friend Matt Hoverman, who manages to be both critic and cheerleader.

And thanks, of course, to my family. Look everybody, I wrote a book with a pink cover! Arent you proud?

Finally, thanks to Steven Gridley, whose poker game I left early so I could finish these acknowledgments.

That was a joke. I take back your special thanks, Steve. Sorry.

APPENDIX A

Honeymoon Helper

C heck it out: Youre a winner! Youve been selected out of thousands of hopeful candidates! Youve won an all-expenses-paid honeymoon! Just mail in the form below and claim your honeymoon prize!

WINNER WINNER WINNER WINNER WINNER WINNER WINNER

Free First-Class Honeymoon!

Name of Lucky Bride: _________________

Address: ___________________________

Telephone: _________________________

Other Telephone: ____________________

WINNERS CAN CLAIM THEIR PRIZES BY ATTENDING A NO-OBLIGATION TWO-DAY SEMINAR ON THE DANGERS OF STANDARD CUTLERY AND COOKWARE. WINNERS WILL NOT BE OBLIGATED IN ANY WAY TO BUY OUR COOKWARE OR CUTLERY, EVEN THOUGH THEYD BE IDIOTS NOT TO, SINCE OUR CUTLERY AND COOKWARE IS SUPERIOR, MORE EXPENSIVE, AND WILL NOT GIVE YOU LYME DISEASE, LIKE OTHER BRANDS THAT WE WONT MENTION HERE. WINNERS, AT THE CONCLUSION OF THE TWO-DAY NO-OBLIGATION SEMINAR, WILL CHOOSE FROM EXCITING TRIPS TO CANCUN, BORA-BORA, FIJI, AND RENO (EXCEPTING CANCUN, BORA-BORA, AND FIJI) FOR ANY AVAILABLE WEEK IN THE CALENDAR (EXCEPTING BLACKOUT MONTHS JANUARY, FEBRUARY, MARCH, APRIL, MAY, JUNE, JULY, AUGUST, SEPTEMBER, OCTOBER, NOVEMBER, AND BLACKOUT DAYS DECEMBER 123). OTHER RESTRICTIONS MAY APPLY IF WE WANT THEM TO.

APPENDIX B

Groomzilla vs. Bridezilla

T he rumble of the century. A bride. A groom. Two colossal, impossible brats. This wedding aint big enough for both of them!

APPENDIX C Groomzilla Horoscopes F ind your Groomzillas star sign and learn - photo 2

APPENDIX C

Groomzilla Horoscopes

F ind your Groomzillas star sign and learn more about his unique personality on the Groomzilla Star Chart. Totally irresistible and totally uselessjust like real horoscopes!

The Aries Groomzilla (The Ram): This Groomzilla is drawn to patterns like a soccer mom to a sale at Marshalls. Herringbone, paisley, pinstripe, he loves them allon his clothes and on the dcor.

The Taurus Groomzilla (The Bull): The most sensitive erogenous zones on a Taurus Groomzilla are his earlobes. Twiddle those babies and hes yours. For at least a few minutes.

The Gemini Groomzilla (The Twins): Gemini Groomzillas love a hot bath! If you let them, theyll spend all day splashing around in there!

The Cancer Groomzilla (The Crab): The crab makes a good-natured Groomzilla. Just dont touch the slideshow montage. Thats his project.

The Leo Groomzilla (The Lion): Leo Groomzillas usually have ten fingers and toes (but sometimes they dont). Also, most of the time, they wear clothes.

The Virgo Groomzilla (The Virgin): These willful Groomzillas may display an almost superhuman rage in public, but at home, when no ones around, theyre really just garden-variety dicks.

The Libra Groomzilla (The Scales): Libra Groomzillas are the most physically attractive of all the Groomzilla signs. They are also excellent groomers: A Libra Groomzilla always man-scapes his businessbut prefers waxing to Nair (he dislikes the chemical smell it leaves on his man berries).

The Scorpio Groomzilla (The Scorpion): A fierce Groomzilla, known for his tendency to punt things (day planners, champagne buckets, Pomeranians) and for his tiny, hairless, baby-girl hands.

The Sagittarius Groomzilla (The Archer): I knew a Sagittarius Groomzilla once who could do a great impression of a monkey. No, wait. That guy was an Aries. Never mind.

The Capricorn Groomzilla (The Goat): Ah, the industrious Goat. The MacGyver of Groomzilla Astrology! A Capricorn Groomzilla can make a breathtaking place card holder with a sheet of tin foil, a tie clip, and some pocket lint.

The Aquarius Groomzilla (The Water Carrier): An Aquarius Groomzilla can spot a sputtering tea light from across a crowded dance floor.

The Pisces Groomzilla (The Two Fish): A compulsive worrywart, your Pisces Groomzilla will imagine one million different doomsday scenarios for your wedding. And they may not happen, but after he dwells on them for six months, youll feel like they did.

The Groomzilla Files Answers

Tim: True

Nick: Sort of False

Tony: False

Matt: True

Robert: Sadly, Very True

About the Author

Craig Bridger is a writer, actor, and a lifelong Elvis Presley fan. He is 511, but claims to be 6. He hates sharks and roller coasters and has a bad habit of leaving cereal boxes open. Also, people say he has nice teeth. Once, when he was a kid, Craig knocked his dad out with a rock (accidentally, but still). So far, Craig has written for the New York Times , New York Observer , GQ , Mens Health , and the North County Times , where his story Santa Claus: Whos He? took second place in a holiday writing competition when he was in the eighth grade. He lives in Brooklyn with his wife, Tara, and their cat, Scout. Surviving Groomzilla: A Brides Guide is his first book. Stop by and visit him at www.craigbridger.com .

EPILOGUE

Groomzilla Hall of Fame

I n the tradition of cornball roadside attractions that use the phrase Hall of Fame in an attempt to tart up junk unworthy of neithersuch as the International Checker Hall of Fame (Petal, MI) and the somewhat unsettling Cockroach Hall of Fame (Plano, TX)I present you with the Groomzilla Hall of Fame. Here, youll find the worlds biggest (and only) collection of Groomzilla memorabilia and historical factoids. Spend a few minutes; honor your old nemesis.

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