Kristin Noto - Live E.P.I.C.: Embracing 7 Everyday Virtues to Increase Happiness and Personal Success

Copyright 2022 by Kristin Noto

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Jacket design by David Ter-Avanesyan

ISBN: 978-1-5107-7337-0

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-5107-7345-5

Printed in the United States of America

It all began nearly thirty years ago when my then-boyfriend (now husband), Anthony, and I got engaged. Suddenly and unexpectedly, I found myself in a difficult relationship with my fiancs mother, Roseanne. Up until this point, Roseanne and I had a heartfelt friendship going. We were both bold Italian women who shared similar personalitiesa feisty, competitive side offset by a passionate side of love and family. We spent a lot of time together without Anthony. Yes, he was the common thread that brought us into our friendship, but we genuinely had a blast together. Our special bond strengthened as we spent hours cooking Italian food for pre- and post-game tailgating for Anthonys college football games. His mothers amazing, authentic Italian cooking flair always drew a crowd of players, families, and friends. She was famous for her irresistible chili that we enjoyed eating out of white Styrofoam cups, and on special occasions when she cooked chicken Parmesan and eggplant Parmesan, she really stole the show.

One of my best memories is when she invited me to fly with her to an away game. She paid for my flight, which was an incredibly generous act of love, and the entire trip we were like two giggly, amped-up teenagers going on an adventure, poking at each other on the plane, running through the airport, and miraculously making it to the game without a hitch.

As you might imagine, it was shocking for me when, within a few days of my engagement to her son, my relationship with her took a drastic and negative turn. There wasnt a specific incident, but the wedding planning process put a strain on everyone in the family, and soon sparks were flying about expectations, expenses, and preferences that quickly led to frustration and then arguments. Distrust began to circle every conversation about the wedding. No one could agree on anything in the planning processnot the number of guests, the venue, which family would contribute financially toward which line-item detail, and so on. What should have been a blending of families became the exact opposite, and I could see our two families gradually being torn apart.

I jumped into the victim role. I believed I could not possibly be at fault in all these planning decisions. For instance, I remember getting incredibly angry and upset about the guest count. We had allowed for seventy-five guests on each side, but Roseanne wanted more guests because of unique family dynamics. I refused and became so angry that I drove two hours to where Anthony lived to convince him in person that this was a horrible situation and he needed to help me hash it out. Things got so tense that at every point of contact with Roseanne, my angry, self-defensive mode kicked in, which, as you can imagine, made matters worse for everyone, not just me.

Ultimately, Anthony and I had a great wedding day, and with the stresses of the wedding planning process behind us, I assumed that our families would naturally return to those happier times I so cherished prior to the wedding. Unfortunately, this was not the case. The strife with my now mother-in-law continued past our wedding day. The entire situation was awkward and uncomfortable for all our family members.

A week after our wedding, my husband and I moved thousands of miles away so he could begin his career as a military officer. Other than phone calls a few times a month, we didnt have much contact with our families. Without resolution in these fundamental relationships, whenever there was a call or visit, I became physically sick with anxiety. I was an emotional wreck because of the festering and unresolved negative sentiment between our families.

One evening, my mother-in-law called. True to form, I immediately went into my defensive mode. Chest pressure kicked in with a here we go again mentality. But rather than spiral into my usual negative emotions, something different happened this time. Some part of me said, Thats it! Ive had it with all this!

The entire situation had reached a tipping point for me, and I jumped up from our sofa furious with all the nonsense that kept us from being a big happy family. At that moment, I decided I would make it my lifes mission to reverse this horrible situation. I fully committed myself to doing everything I could to have the loving, peaceful family life I so desperately wanted.

The question was, how? I didnt have a clue as to how to fix the emotional wound spreading through our families, especially between Roseanne and me.

The answer came to me one day while sitting in church, praying for all the strife to end: I needed to forgive everyone, including myself, and let go of the need for control. I needed to start within myself by forgiving. I had to change first to see the change in others. I had to stop waiting around for something external to happen, and instead, I had to become a better person.

Wait a minute, what? I remember thinking. This isnt what I came here asking for. I am not the problem! I came in search of the easy way to peace, not to be told I have to change! The answer seemed way too hard and even unfair. Then, for some reason, I just knew that it was the right solution. My shoulders relaxed as I accepted in my heart of hearts that if I wanted resolution, I would have to take an honest look at myself and see where I needed to make changes to become a better person. I had character flaws, and that was the only thing that I had total control over. The strain in my relationship with my mother-in-law wasnt going to be resolved overnight, and it wasnt going to be resolved through a single conversation about reconciliation. We were much too far past that point. At the moment, praying in church, I decided to take it upon myself to do all I could to mend my friendship with Roseanne, and I would just have to hope it would be well received and reciprocated. But the only thing I truly had power over was myself, and that was where I would begin.

Without much to go on, I began by asking myself the simple question, Where could I have behaved better? Maybe if I were a better person in general, we could have avoided much of the strife. I thought about how the debate over the number of guests had spiraled unnecessarily out of control. If I had just been open to