Trixie Mattel - Working Girls: Trixie and Katyas Guide to Professional Womanhood : Trixie and Katyas Guide to Professional Womanhood

BY KATYA

Congratulations on taking the first step on your journey toward complete and total mastery of professional nirvana. If youve purchased this book, I can only assume that you are a plucky young blonde named Jessica ready to claw your way up the corporate ladder, armed with a can-do spirit; firm, tanned thighs; and a pair of big, heavy naturals. I could also assume youre a newly divorced mother of two, a busty dame in your late forties named Gina, looking to launch your second act after finally having unburdened yourself of that deadbeat husband, Ric. Well done, Gina, and welcome home. Then again, you could be someone else entirely, perhaps someone from the future named Beth or Bethany or Elizabeth, and youve found this dusty tome wedged in the rubble of a blown-out Barnes & Noble bathroom, and thats fine too. Listen, Beth, the important thing is that you are here, and youre ready to do the work.

This book will serve as your road map of the daunting landscape of five-lane freeways that populate the endlessly winding and weaving labyrinth of the modern professional world. Unlike the freeway, however, in the professional world there are no signs to guide you to a graceful exit or to indicate a change of lane, but thats where we come in: to extend a petite and perfectly manicured helping hand. Grab on tight, dont let go, and when youre done, please return the hand to the mannequin in the American Eagle on the first level of the Greendale Mall.

This is a guide meant to serve you no matter where you might find yourself positioned in the rat race, from interviewing for your first job all the way to basking in the golden glow of retirement. And you can rest assured, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that youre about to receive not only the most sound and reasonable career advice of all time but also the most innovative and cutting-edge techniques and practices for professional advancement, from two trustworthy titans of talent. Of course Im referring to myself and Trixie, who also happen to be two out-of-touch drag queens whose combined professional experience is less than that of the average college teen and dates back to well over a decade ago. But consider this: The benefits of a fresh and unconventional point of view can be invaluable, just as in the 1980s, when beleaguered homicide detectives were forced to think outside the box and hire psychics and Reiki masters. They might not have helped to solve any cases per se, but these collaborations did usher in an important paradigm shift: We now more fully understand how to harness the energy of passed loved ones to help detectives explore each others bodies. So, please, allow us to blindly guide you off the cliff, fake hand in real onebut before we get into the whole rigmarole of working, jobs, blah blah blah, theres one thing we need to figure out: Who exactly are you?

Back in high school there was a guidance counselor named Mrs. Liljestrand whose job was to help students figure out what to do after graduation. She was an enigmatic figure, as she seemed to work only about two hours a week but somehow owned several BMWs. She also had the strange habit of changing the pronunciation of her own last name every couple of months. Needless to say, I was in love with her, and one day, after months of trying, I finally managed to catch her in the office. I asked her, Why do we only have two options after high school? It seems strange and kind of depressing that I must either become a janitor or go to Harvard. Is there no third option? She took a long drag of her Cuban cigarillo, blew it at the glass of the unopened window, slowly craned her neck back at me, and after a long, exasperated sigh said, Listen, honey, if I had all the answers, then Id know why the back seats of all my Beamers are filled with dead birds. I was stunned silent until she threw a mop at me and said, Get the fuck out of here; youll never get into Harvard. Like most mysterious oracles, she was weird, and she was right.

One of the most fascinating things about people is that they are all made up of so many different things. And Im not talking just about blood, phlegm, bile, and pizzazz. Im talking about the things that make you