50Minutes - How to Get the Guy: Make yourself irresistible

This first chapter will cover the ways you can flirt using your physical behaviour and mannerisms. In any conversation, both of the people involved will always subconsciously be paying more attention to the other persons body language than to what they are actually saying, so you should never overlook it! This chapter will also help you to identify the tell-tale signs that suggest that your crush might return your feelings, allowing you to put your nerves aside and start flirting in earnest.

I always pay a lot of attention to what the other person is saying both with their words and with their body during a first date. I think its very important to understand what kind of person they are and what they think of me so that I know what I can and cant do. Plus, if Im aware that theres some mutual attraction, then it gives me a better idea of how I can win them over. And every move they make is a clue the way they speak, their intonation, the words they use, their mannerisms, even the way they hold themselves. (Greg, 30)

Body language can be defined as all the non-verbal aspects of a conversation. Facial expressions, glances and gestures are all subject to interpretation; many psychological studies even suggest that the essence of any conversation is conveyed via non-verbal communication.

The first thing any would-be seductress should learn is that a winning smile can be a lethal weapon: it makes you seem more attractive by making you seem nicer, builds a sense of affinity and has a calming effect. Men have a weakness for women who smile a lot, and see them as more attractive than women who rarely smile.

However, be careful not to start forcing your smiles, as false smiles are very easy to spot. Lastly, remember that where there is mutual attraction, smiles become contagious: if you are talking to someone who smiles a lot while they look at you, it is very likely that they are far from immune to your charms.

According to Susan Krauss Whitbournes article Are You More of a Flirt Than You Think? (2016), people have a habit of touching their own body more frequently when they are around someone they are attracted to.

For example, women often inadvertently gesture towards their chest, which is an area of the female body that men are often drawn to. This means that you can engage in some subtle flirtation simply by touching a necklace that sits over your chest and making it look like a natural, offhanded gesture. Another simple but effective gesture is to gently run a hand through your hair, allowing it to gradually slip through your fingers, or to give your hair a bit of a swish by tilting your head. Interestingly, men tend to be more passive, and usually just maintain eye contact while staying relatively still.

Effective communication is only possible when your body language and verbal language are in harmony with each other: your gestures should echo what you are saying, though you should also take care not to gesticulate too wildly, as this can be off-putting. When you are flirting, your body language should always be open if your posture or gestures are closed off, the other person may assume that you are not interested because your words and your body are sending totally different signals.

Specifically, crossed arms or legs, grumpy facial expressions and so on can be taken as signs that you do not want to speak to or interact with someone. Also, pressing your fingers to your throat is a sign of feeling cornered or ill at ease if you notice that the other person is taking a defensive stance or making gestures that signal discomfort, you should back off and avoid getting your hopes up.

That said, closed-off body language is sometimes just a sign of extreme shyness. If this applies to you, remember that honesty is often the best policy: you can avoid misunderstandings by admitting to this particular trait by saying something like Im always a bit nervous on first dates because Im very shy in general.

Postural congruence

The SIRC Guide to Flirting by Kate Fox emphasises the importance of postural congruence as an indicator of interest. This concept is based on the idea that when you are talking to someone you are interested in, you will automatically begin to mirror their posture and gestures. In this way, postural congruence creates the impression of affinity between you and your conversational partner.

You can put this concept to the test yourself: make a specific gesture such as running a hand through your hair, tapping one of your hands with the other, or tilting your head to the side: if the person you are talking to copies that gesture a few seconds later, it almost certainly means that they are interested in you!

One day, the guy I was already crushing on gave me a quick hug when he was saying hello, and I nearly keeled over on the spot! When you like someone, the right touch can leave you feeling totally overwhelmed within a fraction of a second. (Julie, 42)

Have you ever noticed that when someone is trying to sell you something, they lay out their wares in a way that makes you want to touch them? Similarly, have you ever noticed that you often want to buy something even more after you touch it? Our sense of touch is intrinsically linked to feelings of desire because it creates a sense of possession and familiarity.

When it comes to interpersonal relationships, touching the person you are talking to, even by brushing their shoulder or forearm in a way that could be construed as accidental or casual (for example, when suggesting that you move to a different spot or order another round of drinks), can help to strengthen your relationship. Some people get into the habit of putting an arm around the person they are flirting with, or giving them a kiss on the cheek in greeting (particularly in cultures where this is commonplace) to build up a rapport with them.