Judy Tatelbaum - You Dont Have to Suffer: A Handbook for Moving Beyond Lifes Crises

Judy Tatelbaum

Grateful acknowledgment is made to the following for permission to reprint selected material used as epigraphs at the opening of each chapter, including: David Schoenbrun. Reprinted by permission of the author and the authors agents, Scott Meredith Literary Agency, Inc., 845 Third Avenue, New York, New York 10022. The Power of Positive Nonsense Copyright 1977 by Leo Rosten. Reprinted by permission of the author. The Poetry of Robert Frost edited by Edward Connery Lathem Copyright 1934 by Holt, Rinehart and Winston and renewed 1962 by Robert Frost. Reprinted by permission of Henry Holt and Company, Inc. The Prince of Tides by Pat Conroy. Copyright 1986 by Pat Conroy. Reprinted by permission of Houghton Mifflin Company. The Medusa and the Snail by Lewis Thomas. Copyright 1974, 1975, 1976, 1977, 1978, 1979, by Lewis Thomas. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of Viking Penguin, Inc. Getting Well Again Copyright 1978 by O. Carl Simonton and Stephanie Matthews-Simonton. All rights reserved. Man and Superman by George Bernard Shaw, reprinted with permission of The Society of Authors, London, on behalf of the Bernard Shaw Estate.

Copyright 2012 by Judy Tatelbaum

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

ISBN: 978-1-62087-160-7

Printed in the United States of America

In honor of my parents,
Esther Beckler Tatelbaum (19071984)
Abraham J. Tatelbaum, M.D. (19071985)
and
In honor of my husband,
Allan G. Marcus

I have chosen to republish You Dont Have to Suffer because so many readers have found it to be a life-altering book. At one time or another, we all struggle with problems of love, loss, family, and health. This book is full of tools for facing and recovering from adversity. May it help free you to create a satisfying life.

Judy Tatelbaum

How to Use This Book: Having the
Courage to Grow

I have been using You Dont Have to Suffer as the text in my Mental/ Emotional Health course at Northern Illinois University for close to twenty years. As an educator I wanted a resource that would supplement our discussions on an array of issues connected to emotional well being, such as understanding ourselves, life stages, control, needs, feelings, and how to bounce back when our lives are not going in the direction we would like.

As an educator I sought a text that conveyed information in a clear, easy to follow style. As a therapist I wanted that resource to provide direction and motivation for individuals in making changes in their lives. This was critical, since information by itself may not be enough to generate personal change. I wanted my course to be one that would help students deal with the realities of their lives. Life is difficult. A happily ever after may not exist. Loved ones have died. Romantic relationships have ended. They have trust issues with the opposite sex. Dreams have been shattered. They have been abandoned by parents, and those with both parents realize they were not June and Ward Cleaver.

You Dont Have to Suffer is an engaging and refreshing book that provides direction and hope to readers. Judys writing style invites readers to examine their lives in a fashion that encourages change and growth rather than suffering through lifes disappointments. It is easy for individuals to relate to the examples presented. Strategies for change are provided in conjunction with Judys thoughts on how we can make our lives work for us.

You Dont Have to Suffer has been a time-tested resource for me. My many students have gained great value from it. I am excited that a new edition is forthcoming and will continue to use what I feel is an excellent guide for living for many semesters to come.

Daniel Klein, PhD, MSW
School of Allied Health Professions
Public Health & Health Education
Northern Illinois University, DeKalb, Illinois

But if a man happens to find himself... he has a mansion
which he can inhabit with dignity all the days of his life.

JAMES MICHENER

T his book was inspired by a gift my mother gave me. In October 1984, knowing she was dying of cancer, my mother asked me not to cry for her. Filled with love, sorrow, and anguish, I said, I cant promise you that. After all you are my mother.... Her response was, Okay, cry a little, but dont spend too much time on it.

In saying, Dont cry for me, my mother opened up a possibility that had not existed for me beforethe possibility of living the rest of my life not suffering over her death and maybe not suffering over any other of lifes events. This was an extraordinary idea, considering that it took me fourteen years to recover from my brothers death. My mothers legacy to me was that she gave me a choice about whether or not to suffer. I am writing this book to pass her gift on to everyone who is open to her message: You Dont Have to Suffer.

I know I could have used this message earlier in my life, for I have dealt with much illness and death. I was involved with my parents chronic illnesses during the last thirty years of their lives. Then in the five years after my book The Courage to Grieve was published, I experienced the sad endings of two love relationships and the deaths of five close friends from cancer: Tommy Berman, a wise friend and mentor since we were little children; Zoe Snyder, an exciting, beloved friend; Jim Simkin, my superb Gestalt therapy trainer, who loved me like a daughter; Al Parker, the fabulous illustrator, a loving supporter and pretend dad; and Lyn Friedman, a wonderful, supportive friend. These losses were followed by the deaths of both my parents within nine months of each othermy mother of cancer and then my father of heart disease complicated by grief.

I certainly have known suffering. And I am not suffering now. My choice: I could spend all the rest of my days sorrowing over all the loved ones I have lost, caught up in how bad the rough times have been, or I could let all that go and generate new loved ones, new satisfactions, new joys. I began writing this book two weeks after my father died as a statement to him and to me that I could create a life worth living with or without my family. Two years later, the week I finished the first draft of this book, I met my husband-to-be, certainly a result of my commitment not to suffer.

I have come to realize there is no limit to our ability to move and grow and change except within our own perceptions of what is possible. It became clear to me that time was not necessarily what it took to make changes or to heal, for in fact willingness and commitment play a much larger part in leading us to resolution or change. My psychotherapy work with people changed dramatically after that realization, and I was able to help people to more easily create whatever momentum they wanted or needed in their lives.