Angie Smith - I Will Carry You

This is a beautiful and tender book that would touch any womans heart, no matter her age or realm of experience. It is about a relationship so intimate with God that it carves a safe place for crises of faith, for faith proved genuine, and for divine callings willed, sealed, and fulfilled. Yes, this is one mothers moving story. This one mother also happens to be a true writer. We will hear more from her. Angie, I am so proud of you. May Christ continue to tip the ink jar toward your gifted quill.

Beth Moore, best-selling author and speaker

Copyright 2010 by Angie Smith

All rights reserved

Printed in the United States of America

978-0-8054-6428-3

Published by B&H Publishing Group

Nashville, Tennessee

Published in association with the literary agency of Daniel Literary Group, Nashville, Tennessee

Dewey Decimal Classification: 155.9

Subject Heading: JOY AND SORROW \ GRACE \ INFANTSDEATH

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from the New International Version copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. Other versions include the New American Standard Bible, nasb , the Lockman Foundation, 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995; used by permission.

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For her

For Him.

Chapter 1

Us

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

Kahlil Gibran

If there is one thing I have learned about raising three daughters, it is this: it is an unspoken law that if you are running late, you will not be able to find the sixth shoe.

Its life as a mommy. They are running in every direction, full of life: and all the while you are trying to rein them in and explain why Mrs. Adams wont understand if we are late for gymnastics again. Most of the time I just giggled and chased them around until I inevitably caved and let them wear mismatched shoes, imagining the looks of horror I would receive from the on-time moms.

Our biggest problems in life during the girls younger years were things like finding the sixth shoe.

I miss those days.

We made plans for forever, like youre supposed to do when youre a family. We were so in love with our life that it was impossible to consider anything else. Just love one another deeply and try to make each moment count for something. Run the race with joy, and it will all be OK.

How could we have known?

And even if we had, I cant say we would have done it any differently. We loved without abandon, each day and night filled with the hope and expectation that we would always be together. Whether nestled under a cozy quilt watching a movie or photographing the girls having a hose fight with the neighbor kids in the backyard, one thing was for sure...

We were a family, and everything was exactly as it should be.

My husband Todd sings in a Christian group called Selah, and when I look back at the way God started our family, I cant help but wonder how we managed to keep our sanity.

Just a few months after we were married, I was right in the middle of a conversation with Todd when it happened. I dont remember what we were talking about, but I do know I made a rather abrupt exit as I dashed to the bathroom with my hand over my mouth. I spent the next few hours assuming I had a nasty flu, but in the morning I realized the timing of this flu was a little suspicious. Todd ran to the store and bought our first of many pregnancy tests, and I watched as the little line told me I was going to be a mommy. We were completely shocked, but after about six more tests (anyone else done this?) with the same result, I figured it was really happening. I stared in the mirror as I got ready to go out that day, looking at my reflection and imagining what it was going to look like in the coming days.

I never got the chance to see that.

At around nine weeks I miscarried the baby, and I was devastated. Todd was sad, but he hadnt connected the way I had with the baby. His biggest concern was making sure I was OK. He was so tender with me as I tried to process the fact that there had been a life inside me that was gone.

That was the first time in our marriage that we had to walk through loss. We knew it wouldnt be our last, and that our vows included times like these, but it was hard. As a woman, I wondered if something was wrong with me. I would stay awake at night and wonder if I would ever have children. I had just finished a graduate degree in developmental psychology, and pretty much every decision I had made in my life revolved around my love for children. I couldnt help but wonder if motherhood wasnt going to happen the way I had always dreamed it would.

We were fortunate that the Lord didnt wait long to bless us again. I will never forget being out on the road with Todd, sensing that something was happening. It was eleven at night and I told him we needed to find a store that was open so I could take a pregnancy test. He covered his head with a pillow and laughed (mostly because I said this every month in the hopes that it would come up with the pretty pink line).

Todd. Were in Maryland. You know how I am with finding my way around. What if I get lost? He looked up at me with tired eyes, pleading with me to let it go.

Honey, can we go in the morning? Lets get some sleep, and we can do it on the way out.

Clearly he did not understand the urgency of a woman in this mind-set.

No, I cant wait. I have got to go now. There has to be something right around the corner. I grabbed the rental car keys and kissed him on the forehead.

He fell back on to the bed, knowing I wasnt going to budge.

And Toddy? You are seriously going to regret not going with me if it turns out Im pregnant. I smiled mischievously and closed the door behind me while he laughed.

I came back into the hotel room about a half hour later and ran straight for the bathroom. I watched as the colors changed immediately, clue number one to what we would later discover. Without even bothering to wait for it to make it all the way across the little screen, I opened the bathroom door and held the stick straight in front of me. I waited a second to make sure he was paying attention and then peeked my head out with a giant smile.

Todd sat straight up in bed, his eyes adjusting to the light and his mind adjusting to what was happening.

Are you serious?

I nodded.

I screamed with delight and jumped into bed, settling into my familiar spot on his chest.

He grabbed the test and stared at his future.

Congratulations, Daddy.

In disbelief he set his hands on my stomach.

Wow. It was about all he could manage.

Yeah, wow.

We lay in silence for a few minutes, smiling in the darkness.

Hey babe? I asked.

Yeah?

You totally should have come with me.

We laughed as we pulled the covers up, both of us in awe that God had chosen us.

And boy, had He ever.

After my initial miscarriage I had gone to the library down the street and checked out a book about pregnancy loss. The sweet librarian recognized me and acknowledged my pain as she scanned the book.

God bless you, honey. She looked deep into my red eyes, ministering to me without another word.