Celia Foster - Big Steps for Little People: Parenting Your Adopted Child

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BIG STEPS FOR LITTLE PEOPLE

PARENTING YOUR ADOPTED CHILD

CELIA FOSTER

Forewords by David Howe and Daniel A. Hughes

Jessica Kingsley Publishers

London and Philadelphia

First published in 2008

by Jessica Kingsley Publishers

73 Collier Street

London N1 9BE, UK

and

400 Market Street, Suite 400

Philadelphia, PA 19106, USA

www.jkp.com

Copyright Celia Foster 2008

Foreword copyright David Howe 2008

Foreword copyright Daniel A. Hughes 2008

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form (including photocopying or storing it in any medium by electronic means and whether or not transiently or incidentally to some other use of this publication) without the written permission of the copyright owner except in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency Ltd, Saffron House, 610 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Applications for the copyright owners written permission to reproduce any part of this publication should be addressed to the publisher.

Warning: The doing of an unauthorised act in relation to a copyright work may result in both a civil claim for damages and criminal prosecution.

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

Foster, Celia, 1956

Big steps for little people : parenting your adopted child / Celia Foster ; forewords by David Howe and Daniel A. Hughes.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-1-84310-620-3 (pb : alk. paper) 1. Adopted children. 2. Parenting. 3. Adoptive parents. 4. Adoption--Psychological aspects. I. Title.

HV875.F675 2008

649.145--dc22

2007038856

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 978 1 84310 620 3
eISBN 978 1 84642 780 0

For Luke and Adam

Acknowledgements

I wish to thank my mum, Glynis, Colin, and my dear friend Eileen for their help and encouragement in writing this book, and to Joy a special thank you as I dont know where we would be without you. I also thank David Howe in the UK and Dan Hughes in the USA for writing their individual forewords.

I thank my friends, my rocks: Lorraine, Anne, Martine, Pat, Tina, Neil and their families for being there for me at the time when I needed you most. I thank all the leaders, assistants and participants of the courses I attended for their willingness to share their innermost thoughts and for the impact that that unselfish sharing has had on my life.

In writing this book I find myself confronted by whom to accredit what to. I have attended so many courses over the years and read so many books that there have been a lot of overlaps in the information covered, so much so that I find it impossible to say who taught me what or indeed who planted the seed of thought which I then went on to develop. I therefore decided to write this book from memory and my interpretation of what I learned along the way. So if I have repeated anything verbatim, I apologize. Please take that as a huge compliment in that you taught me so well. For these people to get the recognition they deserve, I have included a list of the course leaders and the courses I attended in the Appendix at the back of the book.

I thank Chris for his patience, understanding and the huge amount of support and love he has lavished on me throughout the years, and also for his input and help with this book. I really couldnt have done it without you.

Last I thank my darling boys, Luke and Adam, for being who they are, completing my life and teaching me so much about themselves, myself and life in general. All the artwork in this book was produced by the Foster family Art Department.

Foreword

Adoption, involving issues of loss, family life, identity, and growth and development, has spawned a great deal of reflective literature, much of it autobiographical. Over the last 10 or 20 years, many books have been published on the adoption experience. Some have been by women who have had a child adopted. Others have been written by adopted people describing their experiences of being adopted. And the most recent trend has seen a spate of books about adoption reunions describing what happens when an adult adopted child searches for, finds and has a reunion with their birth mother, and less commonly birth father. But surprisingly under-represented in the adoption genre are books written by adopted parents. This is understandable, but given the life-changing nature of adoption for all concerned, this is perhaps a pity. Every year, across the world, tens of thousands of people contemplate whether or not to adopt a child. The adoption professionals do their best as they try to get across the reality of adoption but nothing beats the vitality and immediacy of the lived experience described by adopters themselves.

So it is with delight that I welcome the appearance of Celia Fosters book, Big Steps for Little People: Parenting Your Adopted Child. It is not so much the story of adopting two young boys, although the reader gets a strong feel of family life chez Foster, but more about how Celia and her husband, Chris, faced and dealt with the challenge and joy of parenting two brothers who arrived with so many needs. Typical of many children adopted today, the boys suffered neglect and emotional harm before they were finally placed, aged seven and nearly six, respectively. And from that point on, life would never be the same again for Celia and Chris. The ways in which things changed is described with unflinching clarity. Celia manages to get across with great honesty and humour what family life has been like with Luke and Adam. However, her main purpose is to write a what to do (or more accurately what we did) book for the thousands of adoptive parents striving to meet the needs of children whose early lives have been blighted by pain and hurt and fear. Celia pulls no punches. It can be hard, exhausting and sometimes bewildering living with children who arrive with their defences built high, their thoughts confused, and their feelings all over the place. But each little success, each step forward, no matter how small, brings such pleasure to parents and child alike that the reader feels both uplifted and inspired.