Serena Wolf - The Dude Diet: Clean(ish) Food for People Who Like to Eat Dirty

CONTENTS

A lmost four years ago, I was roused from a Saturday-morning snooze by several loud bangs and a sound I can only describe as reminiscent of a dying bear. Alarmed, I sprinted down the hall to find my boyfriend, Logan, stepping on and off the bathroom scale in all his naked glory, occasionally stopping to reset the thing by banging it aggressively on the tiled floor. This scale is broken!!! he raged. When I gently informed him that the scale was brand new and in perfect working condition, his eyes glazed over with panic. Many expletives and a few are you shitting me?!s later, Logan took a deep breath, put his hands on his (still very naked) hips, and declared, Im going on a diet.

Im going on a diet. Five beautiful and completely unexpected words that changed both of our lives forever.

But lets back up for a second. In order to fully appreciate the gravity of the above statement, you need to understand a few things about Logan Smith Unland. First and foremost, the dude loves food more than any human being I have ever known. He lives for epic sandos, lights up at the mere mention of BBQ and pizza, and regularly finds himself embroiled in heated debates over the best cheesesteak spot in Philly or where to order Chinese food in NYC. If you ask him what hes thinking about, nine times out of ten the response is Mac and cheese! (or if hes feeling particularly creative, Mac and cheese! With hot dogs!!!). Logan also fancies himself quite the epicure. As he will tell anyone who asks and those who dont, Daddy does not fuck around when it comes to food. (At some point, Logan began referring to himself as Daddy. No explanation.)

Dont even get me started on what its like to attend weddings, cocktail parties, and other social events with the dude. Lets just say that Ive spent a lot of time reenacting the scene from My Best Friends Wedding where Julia Roberts chases Dermot Mulroney (who shes in love with), whos chasing Cameron Diaz (who hes in love with) across a giant lawn. In these scenarios, Im Julia, Logan is Dermot, and Cameron is a poor, unsuspecting server with a tray of pigs in a blanket.

Since I was enrolled in culinary school when we first met, Logans intense love of food was one of the things that initially drew me to him. And in the early days of our relationship, I saw only the endearing, humorous side of his unbridled passion for all things dank. Sure, I was shocked by some of his larger feasts, but basking in Logans food-based joy was one of my favorite activitiestheres nothing quite like the contact high from watching him ecstatically crush a hoagieand I figured he definitely ate some nutritious stuff on his own time. It was only when we moved in together and I became privy to his day-to-day choices, that I began to worry about Logans health and fitness.

The dudes diet was straight-up terrifying.

At twenty-nine, Logan was still eating like a college athletewhich in his mind, he still wasrather than a deskbound adult male who exercised sporadically at best. His primary food groups were meat, cheese, and white bread, and he counted several of the local pizza and Chinese deliverymen as close personal friends. Food was inhaled (rather than chewed and swallowed in the traditional fashion) with no regard for its nutritional value, a behavior that appeared to fuel a rather serious antacid addiction. Worst of all, Logan regularly gave himself the meat sweats. (In case youre not familiar, the meat sweats are exactly what they sound likesweating caused by your bodys inability to process an outrageous amount of animal protein. Theyre usually accompanied by a stomachache, insomnia, and extreme irritability.)

Like most guys I know, Logan had packed on a few extra lbs since college, but the dudes weight was the least of my concerns. Based on his obsession with all things cheesy, Buffalo-flavored, and deep-fried, I legitimately feared he didnt have many years left to live (which was only mildly melodramatic). As Id grown pretty attached to Logan by this point and hoped to keep him around past the age of thirty-five, Id occasionally mention that he should try eating a little bit better. Unfortunately, the dude dismissed these suggestions with derogatory comments about vegetables and blanket refusals to eat weird vegan shit. A few times, he actually screamed, I do what I want!! before skipping across the street to Chipotle.

As much as I wanted to, I knew deep down that I could never force Logan to change his ways. So I backed off, praying that hed come around to the idea of a healthier lifestyle on his own one day. Since I wasnt exactly holding my breath, you can imagine my surprise when that day came much sooner than anticipated. (Logans fateful Saturday weigh-in took place mere weeks after Id resigned myself to his batshit crazy eating habits!) Thrilled that longevity was still an option for the dude, I offered my full support, promising to help Logan revamp his diet come hell or high water.

THE DUDE DIET IS BORN

Clearly, overhauling the eating habits of someone who comes precariously close to having an excitement seizure in the vicinity of finger food and who regularly trips over himself while running to the door to get his Dominos wouldnt be easy, but I love a challenge (and Logan) and was wholeheartedly committed to the job. Ive been a healthy eater my whole life, am known for my excellent common sense, and have killer chef skills courtesy of Le Cordon Bleu Paris, so I felt more than qualified to act as the dudes nutritional spirit guide.

From the get-go, there were two major barriers to Logans dieting success. The first was that he understood absolutely nothing about nutrition. Despite his incredible intelligence, Logan couldnt identify a balanced meal or healthy snack to save his life. He had also internalized random concepts from various popular diets, applying them as needed to justify his ridiculous food choices. Hed eat a handful of greens topped with fried chicken fingers and smothered in ranch dressing and then demand congratulations for ordering a green salad. An Italian hero became instantly slimming on a low-carb wrap, and mac and cheese was good for him because its vegetarian. Anything labeled gluten-free or vegan was also calorie-free, and things like sweet potato fries and onions rings were considered vegetables. You get the point. Logan was, to put it bluntly, a nutritional idiot, and even when he tried to eat healthy, he often missed the mark. (By a lot.)

The second stumbling block was the fact that Logan harbored a deep-seated bias against all health food. He was convinced that anything nutritious was either flavorless or gross, wrongly assuming that eating well meant restricting himself to a miserable regimen of lettuce, tofu, and nonfat yogurt. With an outlook like this, all dieting efforts were doomed from the start.

Taking these issues into account, I set to work tailoring a healthy lifestyle program to Logans specific needs, which I affectionately dubbed The Dude Diet. (The Common Sense Diet just didnt have quite the same ring to it.) After breaking down nutrition basics for the dude in a way he could comprehend (/didnt bore him to tears) and emphasizing the importance of mindfulness, moderation, and portion control, I developed an arsenal of wholesome recipes designed to help Logan change his grim view of nutritious food. My goal was not to create meals that were simply healthy, but rather feasts that the dude was downright psyched to eat. This was a tall orderLogan has surprisingly high standards for someone who used to subsist primarily on pizza and sandwichesbut like I said, I was committed.