Rachael Bland - For Freddie: A Mothers Final Gift to Her Son

First published in Great Britain in 2019 by

Michael OMara Books Limited

9 Lion Yard

Tremadoc Road

London SW4 7NQ

Copyright Rachael Bland 2019

All rights reserved. You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

ISBN: 978-1-78929-132-2 in hardback print format

ISBN: 978-1-78929-135-3 in ebook format

ISBN: 978-1-78929-139-1 in audiobook format

With heartfelt thanks to HuffPost UK for granting permission to reproduce the introduction, which was first published on 4 September 2018, the day before Rachael died. With thanks also to the Sun for granting permission to reproduce Richard Bacons tribute, and The Times for Deborah James tribute.

Image credits : BBC Images

www.mombooks.com

FOR OUR GIRL, RACHAEL

Love, Steve and Freddie

And so it falls to me to thank some incredibly important people, not just for being a part of this book and for contributing stories, pictures or tributes, but for all the support they have given Rachael over so many years.

To her dear mother Gayna, her late father David, her brother Matthew, his partner Kirsty, to Matthews children, Emily and William, and her wider family, Rachael cherished you all, and your love and guidance helped to grow and nurture the person who we all fell in love with.

To my mum, my dad, my sister Claire, brother-in-law Mark and their children, Imogen, Matilda and Barney, thank you for making Rachael such an important part of our family. She loved you all very much.

Thank you to Rachaels Welsh girls, who became her London girls with a few additions, in particular her most treasured friend Jo; to her cherished uni girls with whom she spent some of her very happiest years and to her NCT gang, in particular her dear friend Rachael, who time after time dropped everything to be with her.

To everyone at 5 Live, and right across the wider broadcasting world, who supported Rachael both in her day-to-day work and in the creation of the amazing You, Me and the Big C podcast, thank you.

Thank you also to Lauren, Debs, Mike and Al for helping to turn her podcast idea into the glorious, life-changing juggernaut it became. To everyone who listened to that podcast or read Rachaels blog, thank you. Your messages carried her through some dark times and gave her more comfort than youll ever know.

This book features contributions from some of the most important people in Rachaels professional life, so to everyone who jumped at the chance to contribute Richard, Tony, Jonno, Emma B, Shelagh, Chris, Dermot, Greg, Emma A, Mark, Rachel thank you so much. Your words make us all even more proud of our girl, if indeed that was even possible. And on the topic of the book, I have to thank Heather at HHB Agency and Nicki at Michael OMara Books for their passion and drive to see this book become what you hold in your hands now.

Thank you so very much to all the incredible doctors and nurses who did so much for Rachael, and thank you too to Claire and Rich Paxman, who went above and beyond to make sure Rachael kept her fabulous hair. You made such a difference and Ill never be able to thank you enough.

And lastly to Rachael. From me. Thank you for everything. Falling in love with you, marrying you, having and raising Freddie with you, and even going through this awful disease with you has been the greatest honour and privilege of my life. I wouldnt change a thing about the past seven years and Freddie and I will love you, miss you and hold you in our hearts forever.

With the help of this book, well keep your light shining for many, many years yet.

Thank you all,

Steve x

27 AUGUST 2018

Im sorry Rachael, its back and its incurable. From the moment youre diagnosed with breast cancer, or any type of cancer, theyre the words you really dont want to hear. Thats why you and your oncologists spend all your time working as hard as possible to stop the cancer spreading. But sometimes it is just too aggressive, and nothing can stem its growth.

My D-Day call I jokingly refer to it as Death-Day came back in April 2018, while I was out playing with my three-year-old son, Freddie. Hearing those words ripped the air right out of my lungs and I had to lean against a wall to steady myself. Holding in the huge sobs I knew were coming, I just needed to get home and call my surgeon in peace with my husband at my side. On the short journey back, I wept and kept saying to him, Im so sorry.

This cancer is growing wildly throughout my body and I cant put that down to anyone else but me. Its a terrible feeling that my body has some role in putting my family through the pain I know awaits them. As ever, I knew I would share this news on our podcast, You, Me and the Big C, and my blog. The whole sharing process has been very cathartic. Its been a real support to know that people have found them so helpful through their treatment, but in a selfish way theyve helped me just as much.

When I was eventually ready to talk about my diagnosis, as I recalled those feelings of devastation, I found myself crying on the podcast for the first time. In return I received such an outpouring of love and grief from family, friends, acquaintances and strangers alike, it was quite overwhelming. I was sent so many beautiful messages.

When you are in my position knowingly approaching the end of your life at just forty years old, with a husband you adore with all your heart and a three-year-old son you love so much that if you looked at him too long your heart could burst you need two major things to get you through. Hope. And denial.

It is as a mother that I have to deploy my strongest skills of denial. Im too scared to ask the doctors how long Ive got left it would be a guesstimate number that would hang over me. So, we make plans, knowing its not very long.

If I were to release all my feelings about leaving my precious, beautiful Freddie behind, I wouldnt be able to enjoy the rest of my time on this earth. So, I tuck them away, graciously accept every little hug, squeeze, cuddle and utterance of I love you so much, Mummy and try not to let him see it break my heart.

I have written my memoir, For Freddie, which is a collection of all those stories your parents tell you over the years from their point of view, mixed in with all the advice they give you. Id only known Steve for such a short period of time before we married I feel theres so much Freddie needs to know from my point of view and in my voice. And I think I best get my personality down on paper.

I hope the book will leave an imprint of my love behind for the rest of his life. So he can be sure how very much I love him.

Love,

Rachael x

R aindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens these are not actually my favourite things but a line sung by a great actress called Julie Andrews from a song in a cheesy movie, which seems a good place to start the book. I LOVE a rubbish movie Freddie, really love them. If its a musical to boot, then even better. This particular one is called The Sound of Music and was made in 1965, which to you reading this will seem like ancient times but incredibly it was just thirteen years before Mummy was born. I hope its still popular now. I think you could even sit down and watch it with Daddy as it has the crucial World War Two element that he loves.