Linus Mundy - Finding Healing in Times of Grief and Loss

Find Healing in Times of Grief and Loss

Edited by Silas Henderson

Introduction

In her book, Grief Therapy, Karen Katafiasz encourages the reader, Respect the power of grief. Know that it can affect you psychologically, physically, and spiritually in intense and sometimes surprising ways. Stay gentle with yourself. This is sage advice and an important reminder of the significant ways that grief can impact each one of us.

The five authors in this volume all speak to the ways that we can enter into the experience of grief and come through with hearts and spirits renewed by the cherished memories of the one weve lost. Whether the passing of our dear one was recent or further in the past, peace is always possible.

Bringing together five of our most celebrated CareNotes, it is our hope that Finding Healing in Times of Grief and Loss will provide help and hope to you and your families as you remember and celebrate the life and memory of those who have gone before.

Silas Henderson

Contents

C HAPTER I

Grieving With a Grateful Heart

By Lisa Irish

How does one take a deep breath when the clenching pain of loss wraps around your chest? How does one see the blue sky or hear the morning birds greet the rising sun when all one can see or hear is emptiness? A grieving heart gets lost in a land of denial and loneliness and cannot reconnect, or even imagine, the experiences of love that were sown long before. Those moments of intimacy, of connection, and of life together are no longer strands of love that created this specific relationship. They become sources of pain, reminders of what is missing.

Janet deeply missed Tom, her husband of 42 years. She could not, and on some days would not, imagine life without him. She chose to ask for help, though, and joined a bereavement support group at our hospital. She faithfully attended week after week, to share her feelings and to listen to new friends in the group. On the last night, after a gentle collage-making activity, she said, I just figured something out. All this time I have been coming here and talking about Tom, I have been honoring him. How grateful I am he was part of my life.

Working your way through

Janets sadness was not immediately transformed that night. She still hurt, deeply, from Toms absence. Yet something shifted when she opened her heart to gratitude, when she began to consider the gift of this relationship as she moved forward in her life. When seeds of gratitude are planted, we become open to another point of view. The devastating experience of loss is still present; but with time, awareness, and nurturing, a grateful heart beats within the broken places and brings healing. The memory of our loved one becomes a source of life, not just a reminder of loss. Read on as we highlight attitudes and actions that might be helpful in cultivating grateful grieving.

Saying Thank you. Most of us were trained as little children to say these two words, and we often repeated them without thinking. As adults, though, we might bring more awareness to the thank you opportunities in our daily life. The beauty of creation or the kindness of others all provide opportunities for giving thanks.

Cultivating this habit can help us practice gratitude when facing our loss, as well. For example, a glance at the desk and empty chair reminded Janet that her husband was no longer there to manage their finances. In the midst of this painful memory, she was able to remind herself of his hard work for their family. She opened her broken heart and offered a silent thank you to Tom. This simple statement became an intention and slowly, became a prayer, as she realized the love that was and is still present. With awareness, thank you becomes a doorway into living in the present moment, bringing love alongside.

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.

Melody Beattie,

The Language of Letting Go Journal

Embrace the legacy. Sometimes people will say, She wouldnt want me to be sad, relying upon that sentiment as a motivation to be strong and get better. This approach can be challenging, because sadness is a natural response to loss. It cannot be rationalized away. Drawing upon the memory of our loved ones, though, is a good place to develop another pathway to healing through grateful grieving.

I still miss those I loved who are no longer with me, but I find Im grateful I loved them. The gratitude has finally conquered the loss.

Rita Mae Brown,

Starting from Scratch

When Mark lost his mother Gloria, he experienced her absence at every turn. The hardest time for him was the holiday season when his mom was the center of the family as Christmas approached. After many stories and tears, Mark came to an idea that created a link between his moms memory and the rest of his life. He pulled out her Christmas cookie recipes, all her bowls and utensils, and brought his children into the kitchen. Together they made Grandmas cookies while sharing memories of this woman they all loved and missed.

This yearly ritual planted a seed in Marks family. They experienced the healing gifts found through actively remembering Glorias place in their lives and looked for new ways to share her legacy with the family. Their hearts discovered new expressions of gratitude for Gloria. Her legacy brought healing comfort in their grieving.

Trust the rhythms of grief. The seasons often provide a template for grief. After a loss, we find ourselves identifying with the letting go associated with autumn or with feeling frozen in the long darkness of winter. Spring also offers helpful imagery as a season of fits and starts. One day the temperature is warm, the next day it is much cooler, the next day brings rain. People are often impatient with spring, wanting the bitter cold and resulting restrictions of winter to stop. But spring isnt like that; it has its own rhythm that is often unexpected.

Spring, like grief, brings the unexpected. At the same time, since spring follows winter, it ultimately offers relief from winters harshness, and brings waves of warmth after the chill. A grieving heart that seeks gratitude learns to notice similar transitions. The empty ache is eased by remembering a loved ones generosity, for example, filling the space with love. Memories and love become the relief and warmth sought after the cold of loss. They become sources of comfort that smooth the painful path of grieving. Experience them as gifts. Pause, notice, and be grateful for those moments of respite as they contribute to the healing process.

Transforming the connections. When grieving is focused on absence, we are engulfed in experiences of emptiness and yearning. Nothing will fill the space left by our loved one. While this emotional state makes sense immediately following the death, it can become a life-limiting pattern as the months and years go by. Grieving that includes gratitude, however, transforms the connection between us and the beloved. We establish a lifegiving connection that helps us move into our lives with the blessing and encouragement of those we have lost.

All that we can know about those we have loved and lost is that they would wish us to remember them with a more intensified realization of their reality. What is essential does not die but clarifies. The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude