David Metzger - Nurse Papa

Nurse Papa

Nurse Papa

16 Meditations onParenthood

From a Pediatric OncologyNurse

David MetzgerR.N.

Copyright 2021 DAVIDMETZGER

Supervising Editor: EmilyOliver

Associate Editors: ErikaSkorstad, Destinee Thom, Rebekah Paerels

Internal Formatting:Rebekah Paerels

Cover Designer: Laura Ye& Szivika Metzger

All rights reserved. Nopart of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, ortransmitted in any form or by any means without the prior writtenpermission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotationsand other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. Forpermission requests, write to publisher at

Info@genzpublishing.org.

ISBN (print):978-1-952919-49-7

ISBN (e-book): 978-1-952919-50-3

GenZPublishing.org

Aberdeen, NJ

This book would not havebeen possible if not for the support of my wife and the inspirationof my children. Kaveena, you are my first and best editor. Thankyou for putting up with my obsession and for being so very generouswith your love. Szivika and Dayus, every moment with you both is ajoy and an education. Being your papa is the greatest gift I haveever received.

AUTHORS NOTE

I am not an expert in parenting.In fact, I often feel lost, overwhelmed, and wildly unequipped forthe daily task of rearing my own children. So, if you are seekingtips concerning the nitty-gritties of raising kidstricks forgetting them to bed, ways to limit their screen time, or helpfulpersuasions for them to eat green thingsyou will not find themhere. You will discover something else though; something deeper andmore elusive. You will learn what it truly means to raisechildrenthe joys, the pains, the fears, the many failures, andsometimes, the triumphs.

This book is a meditation on whatit means to be a caregiver to children, both sick and healthy, inour complicated world; an emotional guide of sorts. My work as anurse to sick and dying children has given me insight into how tobe the kind of father I strive to be. It has forever altered myrole as a parent. As I have taken care of these sick children andtheir parents in the hospital, they have shared the most intimateparts of their lives with me, and I have done the same in return.Through their care and their love, they have shown me what it meansto live well and, far too often, what it means to die well. Thisbook is for them.

In Nurse Papa, you will learn fromthe experiences and reflections of many different people (nurses,doctors, the patients, and their parents), but this book is notmeant to be read as a linear narrative. You might be introduced toa character in a particular chapter and not hear from them againafterward. The thoughts and feelings of other people reappearnumerous times throughout the book. Each perspective is unique andmeant to illuminate the meditations on parenthood that I havediscovered.

Although these meditations aresincere and often profound, the serious context in which they aredescribed may make them challenging to take in. For this reason, Ihave made an effort to include funny, sometimes even silly, pausesbetween these meditations. These interludes, titled Breaks Fromthe Heartbreak, reveal unexpectedly humorous aspects of the homeand hospital experience. They remind the reader that levity existshere too, and that great insight can be derived from both sorrowand happiness.

The events described in this bookare based on my experiences as a nurse and as a parent. With theexception of those who have granted explicit permission to usetheir names and descriptions, the identifying features of peopleand places have been changed in order to protect the privacy of mypatients and colleagues. Descriptions of certain individuals andsituations have been altered to further protectidentities.

Table of Contents

Epigraph: Baby

Prologue: That Kid Look

Caring for Children: The Beginning

Leaving Home: Morning Starts with Family

Returning Home: The Search for Nurse Papa

A Break From theHeartbreak : Part1 A Slice of Fatherhood: The JokeBegins

Be aParent for Today

YourFamily Is Where You Find It

A Break From the Heartbreak: Part2 Ben Beeps

SayingGoodbye to Your Kids

Showing Up for Your Children Is the Most ImportantPart

A Break From the Heartbreak: Part3 The Ghost Fart

YourPartner Is Your Best Partner

Nurture the Bonds between Your Children

A Break From the Heartbreak: Part4 Code Brown

Momand Dad, Take Care of Yourselves. Get Some Damn Sleep

Remember What You Have

A Break From the Heartbreak: Part5 Silly Will Save You

YouDont Have to Fix Everything

LearnWhen to Embrace Your Emotions and When to Step Away

A Break From the Heartbreak: Part6 Funny Ha Ha

MeetYour Kids Where They Are, Not Where You Want Them to Be

YouProbably Already Have What You Think You Need

A Break From the Heartbreak: Part7 Love Is Blind

Magical Thinking It Works Until It Doesnt

Griefand Pain Are Part of Parenting

A Break From the Heartbreak: Part8 Candy Is Dandy

GiveYour Kids the Freedom to Tell You What They Need

WhenYour Children Seek the Truth, Give It to Them

A Break From the Heartbreak: Part9 The Last Laugh and the Last Cry

Angelo and the Hummingbird: The End

Epilogue: Car Talk

Baby

Baby,

when you finally arrivehere

you may find

a world moredusty

and dangerous

than offered by yourformer, more cushy quarters.

Your caretakers, tootheseparents

may appear less seaworthythan you would prefer

for this voyage of raisinga child

but nobody else showed upto claim you

So, there you haveit.

Rest assured,kiddo,

despite all their baggageand wrinkles,

these two people willfloat right alongside you

under the power of yourwind and the pull of your tides

They will show you whatthey know of this world

how to laugh, how to cry,and to love,

how to give, how to take,and to hope

and

just maybe,

you will listen to some ofit

Prologue

That Kid Look

These kids were totally differentkids before. They were once healthy and running around. Once, theyhad an entire life, of friends, of things they loved to do. Wedont get to see that.

Amy, pediatric oncology nurse,mother

The long hallway of this hospitalunit follows an elongated horseshoe pattern, with all of thepatient rooms oriented on the outside. These rooms have largewindows and a striking view of the San Francisco Bay. When thelight of the sun is allowed to pour in, the rooms feel airy andopen. When the drapes are drawn shut and the overhead lights turnedoff though, each room can be as cool and dark as the cave of asnoozing bear.

Some patients prefer their spacedim and silent as they sleep their way through indeterminate stays.Sleep can be preferable to the other states available to them:nausea, pain, boredom, or all three simultaneously. But there areother patients who seek the stimulus of the world on the other sideof the glass. They spend their days sitting on the ledge beneaththe large bay windows, their noses and hands pressed against it,smudgy marks left behind. They play with their parents andsiblings, scribble at homework that not even cancer can help themescape from, or watch movies on the big-screen television thatseems almost as large as a studio apartment I once livedin.

Outside these patient rooms,nurses in royal-blue scrubs, doctors in their street clothes withstethoscopes hanging around their necks, and various other hospitalstaff in green, grey, and light-blue uniforms roam up and down thehalls. The drum of their conversations, the beeping of monitors,and the occasional blare of overhead announcements ensure a steadywhite noise that most who work here hardly notice anymore. Visitorsunfamiliar with the long layout often find themselves fullycircumnavigating the entire horseshoe shape before they find theexit, which is also the entrance.