Madelon Sheff - One and Done

One and Done

Madelon Sheff

One and Done

Copyright 2017 Madelon Sheff.

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ISBN: 978-1-5320-1891-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5320-1892-3 (e)

iUniverse rev. date: 04/07/2017

Table of Contents

Relations hips

Mus ings

Home

Happen ings

End ings

I have been widowed ten years now four in Florida and six in North Carolina and Pennsylvania. It is no fun being a single, senior woman. I miss the company of men because their outlook on events is usually interesting, humorous, refreshing and pragmatic.

On the weekends especially, I am usually alone, making it more difficult to be unattached. While I do spend quality time with my grandchildren, somehow the need to share my life with someone sometime overshadows those precious hours.

In this collection of essays, I will continue my observations of life as a single senior in North Carolina and Pennsylvania. My experiences of having lived in two lovely, lonely CCRCs (Continuing Care Retirement Community) have been enlightening and very disappointing. It took two tries to convince me that this set-up is not for me at all.

One and Done is a term I use when this situation occurs: I am invited to dinner once and then I am done. When you first move in, the residents do their duty, perhaps by instruction, to be welcoming. You come to dinner, you are looked over, asked many questions, and the next day, you are not even acknowledged as you pass those people in the hallways or dining room. Again, the feeling of invisibility overcomes me and I wonder if it will ever end unless I become part of a couple.

Yet, I try to find humor in the world and offer insights into the social scene. Hopefully, you will find my musings entertaining and enlightening.

When I became widowed, I received a passport to the land of Singlehood and a key to the city of Invisible. Thats a place where people are convinced you actually prefer being with other single women rather than with co-ed company. On Saturday nights when you are home alone, your coupled friends are either out to dinner or a show. They probably assume it is perfectly all right with you so they need not invite you to join them. Well, its not!

Why are you asked out for coffee or lunch by your married friends, but never invited for dinner which is reserved for hubby and boyfriend. I understand that three two women and a manis an awkward number, but five seems perfectly okay with me. Most of the time, the women talk to each other anyway and so do the men. So what is so unique about having another woman along? Its not like I am looking for a free meal. I expect to pay my own way and, moreover, add humor to the conversation.

I never consider inviting an even number of men and women when I plan a gathering at my home. Often its not even at all, and who cares? But Emily Post, of blessed memory, said that there should be an even number of men and women at the table. Come to think of it, dishes and silverware are sold in sets of even numbers. I never heard of a complete service for five or seven or nine.

So, to keep it even, I eat most meals with CNN or MSNBC for company. Moreover, there are days the phone does not ring, unless its my son. He is excellent about checking in with me each day. My daughter and I email or text message almost every day, as well.

I live close to my grandchildren in a lovely townhouse, which is wonderful. But the problem is that I have little or no interaction with my neighbors though my townhouse is attached on both sides. Days go by when all I see that might involve humans are my neighbors cars driving by as they attend to their business. Sometimes, I even get a wave. While the neighborhood is diverse with many young families as well as retirees, I had to form two clubs to meet people my age. As a result, I have made some lovely acquaintances.

I managed to make a life for myself by volunteering in a public school, starting social groups, playing bridge, traveling and taking art classes. I have my hobbies, my lady friends, my writing, my family, my health and financial security. What I do not have, and what makes me invisible, is a life-partnerand not for lack of trying. As an invisible, I am often with people who discuss their social plans without including me. How can they when I am invisible?

Even so, several times I summoned up the courage to attend social events alone only to find the tables occupied by couples. As a single, I didnt stand a chance to be included. I was invisible. I wrote about this situation in the newspaper of my Florida community in order to raise peoples awareness. For one month after the article appeared, some couples asked me to join them at their table. After that month, it was back to the status quo. Its the same here in North Carolina.

I experienced it when I joined a local neighborhood group whose purpose was to offer a social connection to seniors as we age in place. After a year of attending gatherings, I noticed the same unpleasant coupling situation I found in Florida. I decided that if I took a more active leadership role, I could establish an entre to the prevailing social order. So I developed a program of activities, offered to chair the project, and drafted a set of by-laws for the group. I was really into it. I soon realized, however, that my efforts were fruitless and I resigned from my leadership position. Not one person questioned the reasons for my quitting. Obviously, it was okay for me to do the work, but not okay to be included socially. There was a definite disconnect and when I realized that I was still invisible, I abandoned ship.

However, to be fair, when I was married, I did not often think about what my widowed or single friends were doing on a Saturday night, either. But now that I am in that position, I do think about it. I try to plan something special for myself on those nights: either a glass of wine, a movie, a book, or an evening of Mah Jongg on the computer.

I deal with the predicament by rationalizing that being alone most nights and invisible to boot, are not the worst things in the world. I think of my honest, practical mom who most probably would have commented, Its better to want what you do not have, than to have what you do not want. Right again, Mom. No one can reason or rationalize as well as you!

A rather large carton arrived on my doorstepactually I needed help from a neighbor to bring the box in to my house. I had recently broken up with a boyfriend and a lot of my stuff was at his house. He said he would mail my belongings to me rather than just dropping them off at my house. As I examined each item, I was reminded of incidents and circumstance related to each one.

There was the extra percolator that I gave him so that I could have brewed coffee at his house instead of the ersatz, too-weak instant liquid that he offered me at the beginning of the relationship.