Maddy Anholt - How to Leave Your Psychopath: The Essential Handbook for Escaping Toxic Relationships

The essential handbook for escaping toxic relationships

For my Mum and Dad, Catherine and Laurence,
who gifted meprotection, education, and unconditional love.

My twin, Tom, who has saved my ass
since we were wombmates.

My sister, Claire, your strength
and wisdom inspire me daily.

My love for you all lasts a million lifetimes.

First published 2022 by Bluebird

This electronic edition first published 2022 by Bluebird

an imprint of Pan Macmillan

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EU representative: Macmillan Publishers Ireland Ltd, 1st Floor,

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www.panmacmillan.com

ISBN 978-1-5290-7595-3

Copyright Maddy Anholt 2022

Illustrations Copyright Evan Lian 2022

Design by Mel Four / Bluebird Art Department

Author photo by Karla Gowlett

The right of Maddy Anholt to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

Names and identifying details of all individuals have been changed in all circumstances to protect confidentiality.

Situations and descriptions of events in the authors past have also been changed in some instances for privacy reasons. This book contains potentially triggering themes of graphic domestic abuse, sexual, physical and emotional violence and suicide.

You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damage.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

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Are you forever finding yourself in the stranglehold of shitty spouses, controlling companions, and dominating dickheads? Well, fear not, because once youve finished reading this book, youll be able to wave ta-ta to unhappy and unhealthy relationships for good. Consider me the Psycho Sprucer, Bad Boy Buster, the Hot Mess Assessor ready to leave your love life sparkling.

You see, this is a book about controlling relationships. Its about everyday Narcissists and Psychopaths who hide in plain sight. Its about the men, and sometimes the women, who contribute to everything from low self-esteem to suicide.

Im not a psychologist or a doctor sure, I once examined someones perineum with latex gloves but, as they told me in court, that doesnt mean Im medically trained. I spent ten years tumbling in and out of controlling relationships; each time I vowed it would be my last. When I finally hit the depths of despair, I decided enough was enough. I worked with a host of superb psychologists, experts and counsellors to learn why I was a magnet for these toxic twerps. The culmination of that knowledge is this book. This is my lived experience, here is my truth advice from the field if you will. I have written what I wish had fallen into my lap a decade ago.

I hope this book will educate as many people as possible about these dangerous personality types before they eat up your life. Theres nothing to be afraid of: with knowledge comes power, and awareness will be your shield.

You may not have reported the abuse you suffer or suffered. You may never have been hit or physically attacked in any way. Perhaps youre not convinced its domestic abuse at all. I get you this is something far subtler. Something that often youre not sure is happening at all. But youre certain of one thing and thats that you cant keep playing with these poisonous pricks. You are weary of getting your life upturned. Perfect. Im glad to say, youre exactly where you need to be here, reading this book. Congratulations and welcome along.

Im going to go out on a limb here and assume one of three things about you, dear reader:

1. Youre in a relationship right now that doesnt feel right. You cant quite put your finger on it but its icky and uncomfortable.

2. You know someone sister, brother, mother, father, friend who is trapped in some sort of diabolical partnership and you want to help.

3. Youve escaped a toxic relationship it doesnt matter how long ago and youre keen not to fall into another cataclysmic coupling.

(Extra category: Youve been given this book as a half-joke but, really, you have begun to realize theres some work to be done to perish past patterns.)

Whoever you are, I have done everything in my power to make this book your ticket to healthy love. I want you to know its possible not only to survive, but to thrive.

Lets do it together, one step at a time.

If you wish to seek help or further advice on the issues covered in this book, you will find a full list of organizations and domestic abuse charities listed at the back.

This book contains potentially triggering themes of graphic domestic abuse, sexual, physical and emotional violence and suicide. All names, locations and dates have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or to real events is purely coincidental.

Raise your hand if youve been in a controlling relationship. Raise your hand if youre in a controlling relationship now. Raise your hand if you have to ask the person that youre with if youre in a controlling relationship.

Dont worry, youre in safe hands now. Youre in the hands of a Super Empath. A Super Empath is not the next shit Marvel franchise, because that would be a film about a superhero with relentless anxiety, psoriasis flare-ups and occasional insomnia.

Nope. In fact, Empaths are highly sensitive people, often gauging their mood on how others are feeling. We have our spaced-out sci-fi friend, author J. T. McIntosh, to thank for the term he was first to cite it in his 1956 book Empath. Star Trek then brought it to an even wider audience. Rather beautifully, both McIntosh and Star Trek meant it to convey a person with emotional telepathy. You feel me? Then youre one too.

In the past I had a tendency to get into what you might call controlling relationships. After each one of these romances had ended, Id be convinced Id learnt my lesson... and then a matter of days later would find myself right back where Id started.