Stephanie Moulton Sarkis - Healing from Toxic Relationships: 10 Essential Steps to Recover from Gaslighting, Narcissism, and Emotional Abuse

W HEN HER MOTHER DRANK, J ANE FELT THERE WAS NOTHING SHE could do to make her happy. Sometimes, Janes mother would fly into rages where she told the children that they had ruined her life, and she wished they had never been born. Janes mother especially seemed to hold contempt for Janetripping or hitting her, and then kicking her when she was on the ground. Janes mother even ordered Janes sister to kick her. Meanwhile, Janes father would leave the house or go into another room and shut the door. Just try not to upset your mother, he told Jane.

As an adult, Jane finds some sense of normalcy and even comfort in chaos. A healthy relationship seems boring to her. She has an exaggerated startle reaction, and when someone raises their voice or yells, she checks out and goes into a dissociative state. Jane compensates for feeling inadequate by throwing herself into her work. Some of her friends have called her a workaholic. She recently lost her job, and she has entered a downward spiral.

When Hasim was hired, his employer told him that he would be working with a close-knit team. Were like family, his new boss assured him. Hasim quickly found out they were truly like familya dysfunctional one. Hasims coworker Sal takes credit for his work, including a project that Hasim spent six months developing. Sal will say racial slurs to Hasim, just loud enough for him to hear. Hasim finally asked his other coworkers whether theyd ever had issues getting along with Sal. Sal usually finds one target out of the group, his teammate Sarah said as the others nodded. I just ignore him but I guess thats easier when Im not his chosen victim.

One day Sal openly criticized Hasim during a staff meeting. You dont pull your weight around the office, Hasim, Sal told him. But Im not surprised. Youre as lazy as we all expected.

Hasim had had enough. Youre bullying me, Sal, he said clearly. And its not just me. Youve been harassing other people here, too. But when Hasim looked around for backup, his teammates were silent. Later, a coworker confided that he wasnt going to say anything because he didnt want to get on Sals bad side again. Hasim went to his boss with documentation of Sals behaviors, but his boss said that Sal was an exemplary employee and he had never known anyone to have issues with him. Now Hasim has a feeling of dread when he wakes up in the morning. Sal is now claiming that Hasim has harassed him. Hasim is hunting for other jobs.

When Ken and Sabrina met in high school, one of the things that they bonded over was their messed-up families; their parents got into screaming matches on a nightly basis. Unknowingly, they followed their parents example, and their own relationship was intense and full of conflict. Sometimes, their fights escalated into shoving. But they would always make up, and it felt as if they were stronger than everstrong enough to continue their relationship long-distance in college. Both thought that they were so passionate because they were so in love. That was, until they went away to college, and Sabrina realized how much more at peace she felt when Ken wasnt around.

Ken seemed to sense Sabrina pulling away, and he would call and text her demanding to know where she was and who she was with. He also posted photos on social media with other girls at parties, looking like he was having the time of his life. Sabrina was seized with jealousy and started losing sleep. She felt that she was constantly checking his profile and her grades started slipping. Deciding it was time to end things, she texted him, I cant do this anymore, and blocked his number, email, and social media accounts. That night, Ken showed up outside her apartment. At first she felt somewhat flattered, thinking of how much he must love her to do something like that. But then he started yelling from the parking lot, calling her terrible names. She kept her lights off and didnt respond. Now, every now and then Ken will text Sabrina from an unknown number, acting as if hes just checking in. These texts always make Sabrina feel sick, and she wonders whether shell ever really be able to relax again.