Harvard Business Review - Next-Level Negotiating (HBR Women at Work Series)

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First eBook Edition: Dec 2022

ISBN: 978-1-64782-433-4

eISBN: 978-1-64782-434-1

INTRODUCTION

by Amy Gallo, cohost of Women at Work

A few years ago, I almost hired someone to negotiate for me. My first book, the HBR Guide to Dealing with Conflict , had just come out, and I was starting to give talks and workshops based on it. But every time I spoke to a potential clienta conference organizer or the learning and development lead at a companyI would dread the point in the conversation where wed discuss fees. I found it awkward and uncomfortable. I hated trying to figure out whether I should name a price or inquire what their budget was first. I hated feeling like my professional value was being debated. I hated knowing that, as a woman, Id be judged more harshly for advocating for myself. I hated the sinking suspicion that other speakerseven those with a commensurate amount of experiencewere getting paid more. And I especially hated finding out that men who were presenting at the same event were indeed commanding higher fees.

So I started talking to speaking agents. When they asked why I wanted someone to represent me, I was clear: I dont want to negotiate. One of the potential agents laughed and responded, I guess even conflict experts hate negotiating.

That was when a light bulb went off. If my goal during my speaking engagements is to help people in the audience learn how to handle difficult conversations productively and professionally, shouldnt I be able to take my own advice?!

I didnt end up signing with a speakers bureau then. Instead, I decided to endure the awkwardness and the concern that I wasnt doing it right, and I followed the advice I gave in my talks about being clear on what I wanted, keeping that goal in mind, advocating for myself, and establishing boundaries. Five years later, I no longer dread those conversations about fees, but with the publication of my second book, I signed with an agent when the volume of requests just became too much to handle on my own.

Do I approach these negotiations with 100% confidence? Sometimes. Self-doubt and discomfort still creep in on occasion. But now I know how to work through those feelings and even use them to my advantage. Getting better at these conversations has made me more confident and skilled in all negotiations, whether Im requesting responsibility for a project, saying no to an assignment I dont have bandwidth for, or trying to convince my teenage daughter to clean her room.

I remember hearing professor Ashleigh Shelby Rosette caution women to not negotiate against themselves on an episode of the Women at Work podcast in season 1 (that was back before I was a cohost, when I was a listener and a fan of the show). By that, she meant that its not our job to think of all the reasons that our counterparts will say no and downgrade our request or desires before we even get to the negotiation table (something I certainly had been guilty of). It was such valuable guidance, and I took it to heart. I had the privilege of interviewing Ashleigh later and was able to ask her more about the pitfalls to avoid and how to prepare for a negotiation. That interview is in this book.

There are lots of misconceptions about women and negotiation: Were bad at it, we care too much about being empathetic or nice, we see it as a chore and avoid it at all costs. They simply arent true. These are sweeping generalizations that have been debunked by studies over the last 20-plus years. What is true, however, is that women are often penalized for negotiating, as research by Hannah Riley Bowles and Linda Babcock has shown. Advocating for ourselves doesnt align with gender expectations that we will care about others and put their needs first; the threat of losing relationships or being disliked is a real risk.