Brenda Pue - But If Not: 588 Days Living with Cancer

Day 51A Letter from the Family

By Kristin PueFebruary 20, 2014 7:14 p.m.

S ince January, when we received Moms diagnosis, our lives have changed. We have been completely blessed by the outpouring of messages, prayers and love from our village or community. We want to take a quick moment to thank you for your support. Even just logging on to the website and seeing the nearly 20,000 visitors is so encouraging. Because this has been a difficult journey that we have embarked on, its almost unimaginable how we could ever do this without all of your love and support. Honestly, we have a hard time communicating just how much your support has meant to our mom and the rest of our family.

We as a family have always lived fast-paced, action-packed lives. We fit a lot into everyday life, and one of the things that we have noticed is that we no longer have the same capacity day to day that we used to have. It has become normal for all of us to experience exhaustion. Our time and energy are very precious to us right now. One thing that we are seeing in our mom is her desire to accomplish some important priorities each day. We are learning that in order for her to be able to accomplish these priorities each day we need to be better stewards with her time and energy. As her family we are doing everything that we can to help her make each day count.

One thing that we have noticed is our moms heart to connect with each and every person who has reached out to her in this time. However, the reality of her situation is that this simply is just not possible. We hope that you can help us remove a bit of pressure from her life by simply understanding that she may not be able to respond to all of her phone calls, text messages and emails as quickly as she normally would. I know for many of you this would go without saying, but we just want to say it on her behalf so that she knows you will understand.

We also understand that many of you would like to have some time with Mom, so we would like to set up a few guidelines to help steward our moms time so that she can use her energy doing what she both loves and needs to do, including time with family and friends, without having to worry about scheduling and appointments. So we are asking that you call Sharon Paterson to schedule an appropriate time. We also ask that you keep the visits to 20 minutes, so that she is able to thoroughly enjoy the time with you without feeling the stress of wanting to stay engaged when she doesnt have the energy to do so. Thanks for understanding our circumstances and needs. Thank you again for loving and supporting her in so many beautiful ways.

We have also added grocery shopping to the planner section, as this is another way that help can be provided. Right now the grocery shopping has been added to Thursdays. Thank you!

Jason and Kristin

On behalf of Jeremy and Shari and Jon and Kirstie too!

Day 52The Stranger in the Mirror

By Brenda PueFebruary 21, 2014 9:56 p.m.

W hen I get up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror, a stranger looks back at me. While I sleep I forget everything that has happened these past weeks, and the stranger looking back at me reminds me that this cancer journey isnt just a bad dream after all. So each day, the stark reality of my health looks me squarely in the eye. I need God more than I know.

There have been other times throughout my life when Ive faced down a stranger in me. Mostly when Ive seen things in myself that I didnt like seeing. Things that made me uncomfortable with me. God has faithfully led me through those moments too.

So these days I wake up early. After my mirror moment, I need to reorient myself as Gods beloved daughter by reading the Bible, reading a few devotionals, and spending time in prayer (this is a long-time practice that has allowed me to climb outside of me to see myself and the world from a wiser perspective). This is one of the places where God meets me. There are many other meetings between us each day. I have no idea how I could manage this journey without my Father above.

At the end of every day, the person who looks back at me in the mirror isnt a stranger anymore. Ive come to terms with her throughout the day. I have a new perspective. I am filled with gratitude and blessing. There is so very much I am thankful for.

Day 53Blessing of Friendships

By Brenda PueFebruary 22, 2014 9:07 p.m.

S omeone once said that friends double our joy and halve our sorrow. I have always felt that to be mostly true in my life. There is something so wonderful about sharing all of life with friends.

Carson and I have amazing friends. We love what friends bring to the table of life. Things like laughter, understanding, kindness, challenge, prayer, wisdom, adventure, caring and loyalty, just to name a few. Our lives are so rich because of friends whom we love and who love us. So I believe that adage to be, as I said, mostly true. Until recently, that is.

Since this year began, and my diagnosis, Ive likely cried more overwithbecause offriends (and I include my family here) than anything else because I am so deeply blessed by friends. I feel more deeply than I have ever felt before about this treasure of friendship. And honestly, Ive come unglued a few times over it. So I want to take a few moments to say thank you to all of you who have invested your lives [in] mine (and ours). Some of you, for 20 or 30 years or more. Some of you are Arrow friends, and weve gone deep. And others of you we havent known as long, but your impact and influence on our lives are profound. All of you have made a difference. You have brought much joy as youve journeyed with me (and us) in this storm. Thank you!

Day 54One Percent Perspective

By Brenda PueFebruary 23, 2014 6:26 p.m.

A highlight from today was attending our granddaughters baby dedication along with her parents, Jeremy and Shari. She is the first girl in our family. Need I say more? It was so wonderful to witness this precious one being dedicated to God. Ive included a photo of four generations (Great Grannymy mom, Grammyme, MommyShari, and, of course, Ellie).

As I head into my lung biopsy tomorrow morning, I have lots of emotions and feelings. Earlier this week I mentioned that my earlier biopsies were inconclusive and so we made the decision to try one more time. One repercussion of this procedure is that I am not able to do anything for a period of time and [am] literally grounded until the lung heals fully. Knowing that fact caused me to pause when making the decision.

The motivation for moving forward with this decision has to do with the course of chemo treatment that is recommended. One chemo option is clearly better in terms of side effects than the other. Here is why. Only 10 percent of people with lung cancer are never smokers. I am a never smokerwellexcept for a couple of puffs when I was in grade eight (it didnt go well, and thus ended my short-lived smoking habit). I digress. Of those 10 percent, 40 percent have a mutated version of the cancer. If the cancer I have tests positive for a mutation, the chemo treatment is in pill form and has fewer side effects. If I am in the 60 percent category, the chemo treatment suggested is much more troubling. Most medical people pause long and hard over that treatment. It might be my vivid imagination, but it seemed that my oncologist wanted to avoid discussion when I asked her what she would do if she was in my place. She advised that we take it one step at a time. And that is why we made the decision to go with another biopsy, knowing that each test and procedure forces another decision.

I have been much in prayer this week as we head towards this procedure. It is my desire, in this, and always, to thoroughly discuss everything with my Father. As I pray, I am fully aware that my perspective represents a 1 percent perspective and that God has the other 99 percent. Therefore, I trust Him with the outcome of the results of this biopsy. Hes got this, in ways I may never fully understand. And so I step into tomorrow, and the days to follow, way more confident in Gods ability than in my own ability.