Jody Carrington - Feeling Seen: Reconnecting in a Disconnected World

W e look all the time, but we dont see. We listen, but we dont hear. In this world where there is so much noise, weve been missing, more and more these days, the thing that matters most: We were never meant to do any of this alone. I remember where I was standing when this knowing sunk into my soulas both the biggest reason for such pain in this world and the solution to it allwe just want to feel seen. In the history of our lives, however, weve never been more disconnected, more unseen, as a globe, than we are right now. Bold statement, I know. But I mean it.

You know those moments when you read or hear words or music and, even if for just a few seconds, something seems to shift? Suddenly, theres a moment of clarity? Many have names for these experiences that change the course of everythingOprahs aha moments, perhaps. Or the theologians Great Epiphany or a sit-down-leave-it-all-on-the-table come to Jesus. So lets jump right in with the boldest, most audacious thesis I wish the helpers and the hurt among us knew: The answer to the worlds most significant human-centered problems is simply this: We all just want to feel seen. Then, and only then, will we rise. This concept might be captured most eloquently in the words of a hockey coach I knew who said, You should see how fast I can get a kid to skate when I know the name of his dog.

To be clear, looking and seeing often has nothing to do with eyesightthink of it more as a feeling. Feeling seen is something that is heard by the deaf and felt by the blind. Its a universal, unifying experienceit pays no mind to age, race, religion, socioeconomic status, physical ability, or gender identity. Its something that is possessed by all of us, yet it is mastered by none. If done genuinely, it rarely gets old. Its like fuel for the strength needed to navigate our days. I truly hope the answeror some answersto it all lies in the words youll find here. In these pages, well journey through three parts as I

1. share how I think we got so lost and disconnected in this human experience;
2. give you a roadmap to find our way back to each other; and
3. leave you with three practices I think you can always reconnect to when (not if) you lose your way again.

As a clinical psychologist who sits with people who are often struggling with relationships in one way or another, it still amazes me that the hardest thing you and I will ever do is look, genuinely, at the people we care about. It takes as much to give it away as it does to receive the experience of truly seeing another. And its so much easier, and certainly so much safer, to stay distracted with our busy lives and simply look away. Ironically, its seeing the meaningful relationships that we have with one another that can be the healthiest part of any human life. Relationships seem also the thing that leave so many of us fucked up. Even though we would die as infants without themwe are biologically wired for connectionthe same entity (an interaction between two people) is the cause of the most unthinkable trauma. And in another twist of irony, its only in relationships that we heal those most devastating experiences. Although many would identify family, my kids, my spouse, my closest friends as the most important to each of us, it never escapes me just how difficult it is to look into the eyes of the people we love. And it seems, as this world turns and becomes more divisive, as the physical proximity between us continues to expand, as technological advances make it less necessary to be together, this critical dance of relationshipshow we interact and communicateis only becoming more complex, more isolated.

So much has changed within our lifetimes, yet so much of how we interact with each other has not been rewritten. Were doing what weve always done in relationships because, well, its always been done this way. In fact, many best practices we employ to interact with each other were created for a world that no longer exists. And the evidence that we simply cannot do things effectively in a disconnected world? The cost? A mental health pandemic. A rise in divorce, domestic violence, depression, loneliness, anxiety, and war. In fact, it has become an epidemic, this disconnection thing, and it just may require a revolutionary effort to get us to truly look at and see each other. A reconnection revolution. A call for simply connecting is no longer enough. Although connection is what were wired for, its the easy part. The hard part comes when our ability to reconnect is required to repair or re-engage, especially after weve been wronged, marginalized, alienated, or hurt. To see and be seen again is then especially risky.

I spend a lot of time thinking about how much I wish people knew just how much they mattered to each other. About how many times just a smile, or a kind gesture, not only changed a life, but saved it. In your least special, or educated, or curated moments, you are woven into the memories that so many hold dear. If you only knew. And heres the reason for these words on these pages. What if you did? What if you knew? Could you hold a gaze a little longer? Could you find grace a little easier? Just imagine with me, even for a moment, what that might mean. In this disconnected world, the answers to reconnection are not something new we have to learn. They are simply getting back to what weve always known when we slow down, drop our shoulders, and remember why were here. How have we gotten so far away from this in our families, our friendships, our communities, our organizations, you ask? So many little things have added up to so much disconnect. And its the little things, reminding each of us, one by one, that we have everything we need, right here, right now, to reconnect and bring us back home.

The problem is, were fucking tired. All the yoga, kale, and getting your water in doesnt address what we are wired for: connection. To other people. So the answer, in fact, does indeed start within us. Not with just the bullshit self-care strategies, but with the simple understanding and acknowledgment of just how much it takes to show up for each other. My hope is that these words will stand the test of time because we will never outgrow or automate this process of seeing and feeling seen. It will take practice. And youll get good at this process the more you repeat it.