Katharine Hill - Left to Their Own Devices?: Confident Parenting in a World of Screens

First published in 2017 by
Muddy Pearl, Edinburgh, Scotland.

www.muddypearl.com

Katharine Hill 2017
Cartoons David McNeill 2017

Katharine Hill has asserted her right under the Copyright,
Designs and Patents Act, 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews or articles.

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

eISBN 978-1-910012-44-4

Typeset and designed by Revo Creative. www.revocreative.co.uk
Printed and bound in Great Britain by Bell & Bain Ltd, Glasgow

Muddy Pearl is not responsible for the accuracy of URLs or internet websites referred to in this book. It does not guarantee that content on such websites is, or will remain, accurate or appropriate. Sites were accessed and checked in April 2017, but may change over time.

Image copyright shutterstock: grynold and majivecka.

To our dear friends Silas and Annie, with thanks for your love and wisdom through the joys and challenges, digital and otherwise, over 28 years of parenting and still going!

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

This book could not have been written without the help and support of so many people. Firstly, a huge thank you to Rob Parsons for his wise input and encouragement. Thank you to the amazing team at Care for the Family, especially to Paula Pridham and Hugh Griffiths for commenting on the manuscript, and Rachel Harries, my fabulous PA. And much appreciation to Samantha Callan for her support and wisdom, and to David and Sarah Abell for their helpful comments.

Thanks to team Hill: Richard, George and Ellie, Charlotte and Will Caldwell, Ed and Catriona, and Henry, for fun, laughter and providing the raw material for many of the stories and examples.

I am grateful to Stephanie and Richard Heald and the team at Muddy Pearl its great working with you and to David McNeill for the wonderful cartoons.

And the biggest thanks of all to Sheron Rice, our senior editor at Care for the Family, who has worked tirelessly and added incredible value to the book.

CONTENTS

FOREWORD

Somewhat to my surprise, I find that I am the grandfather of five children! Surely that cant be possible? Wasnt it only yesterday that I took Katie (my daughter) to her ballet lesson? And Im certain it cant have been more than a few Christmases ago that I saw Lloyd (my son) put on a sterling performance as the inn-keeper in the school nativity play? But, no! The reality is that it was over 30 years ago, and in that time, a revolution has happened: a digital revolution.

Since time began, the role of parents has been to prepare our children to live independent lives. We attend to their physical needs for food, sleep, and clothing; we give them boundaries to keep them safe; and we seek to instil in them values that will guide them in the choices they will have to make, both big and small, throughout their lives. But parents today also have another task in addition to those I had 30 years ago. As far as I was concerned, issues to do with screen-time were confined to whether or not Doctor Who was too scary for a 5-year-old who was absolutely desperate to see it! But the world of screens that we live in today presents us with far greater challenges. As parents, we must help our children make full use of all the advantages of digital technology, as well as safeguarding them from the potential dangers.

In this book, Katharine Hill has tackled all the important issues head on and has given parents a brilliant tool that is full of practical wisdom and advice. Read it now and, above all, dont leave your children to their own devices.

Rob Parsons, OBE
Founder and Chairman, Care for the Family

PROLOGUE

The rain is hammering against Alices bedroom window as she throws her school bag onto her bed. She can hear her little brothers squabbling downstairs. Its 7.15 p.m. and already dark, so she draws the curtains. She has a school science project to complete and turns on her laptop. Before getting going, she notices that Karl is online. He is 15. Karl speaks first:

Hi Alice. Ive seen you on the bus. Youre in the year below me, arent you?

Yes.

Youre very pretty.

Thank you. Alice, undo the top three buttons on your shirt. [Long pause]

Like this?

No. A bit more

And so it begins.

Before we dismiss this exchange as far removed from the reality of our familys everyday experience of digital technology, we may be wise just to pause and do a reality check. If current statistics are to be believed, online conversations of this nature will be taking place right now in teenagers bedrooms across the country.

And many parents are concerned not just about the online dangers of sexting and pornography, but also the possibilities of bullying, addiction, gaming, gambling, grooming, and simply the increasing number of hours children and young people are spending glued to a screen. In fact, when we meet parents at our Care for the Family events, questions surrounding how to help their children navigate the world of technology leave all other topics in the shade. Many parents feel anxious and bemused. Not only do they have no idea what to do, but they dont know where to go to find the answers. A mum responding to a recent Care for the Family survey said, Its a minefield. I wish wed never invented smartphones. Its just made parenting so much harder. Help!

When my children were growing up, I was often so terrified they might make bad choices that it felt easier and safer to try to eliminate as many options as possible: no Wi-Fi, no screens, no going to that friends house, no going to that party. But the truth is that although its essential to put appropriate boundaries in place (and sometimes that means saying no), just taking the default position of limiting their options only makes their world a smaller place.

Parenting isnt really about raising children or even teens its about raising adults. From their earliest days, we are preparing them for independence: the 2-hour session at playschool; their first sleepover; the half-term stay with their cousins; the geography field trip; the language exchange visit to France; the Saturday job; university. Each step leads up to the day when we will no longer be at their side: the day they leave our home and our protection. And for that reason, we must take every opportunity we can to build strong foundations to sow into their lives the values that will equip them to choose wisely when they face different choices in life and, in this context, the choices that the digital world has to offer. Its a sobering thought, but unless we do that, our child will only be as safe as the least protected child they know.

This book is written in response to the plaintive cry of Help! from the mum who took part in our survey and the thousands of parents who feel exactly the same: help is at hand. Whether you are new parents with little ones or riding the rollercoaster of the teenage years, it is for mums and dads who not only want to cope with bringing up children in the world of digital technology, but to be on the front foot.