Fiona Williams - Come And Walk With Me Through My Breast Cancer Experience

Come and walk with me through my breast cancer experience

Fiona Williams

Copyright 2018 Fiona Williams

The moral right of the author has been asserted.

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ISBN 9781789011289

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Walk with me through my 38-week journey from diagnosis of breast cancer, surgery and treatment to how I stayed positive and learned to love myself despite the scars, baldness and side effects.

I dedicate this book to my daughters, I wish they hadnt had to go through this experience, however they did and I thank them for their love, strength and support. It was amazing.

Also to my partner for listening to what the doctors said when it was all a blur to me and for helping me through my darkest moments and thoughts.

My dogs for being the reason to get out of bed and walk each day, no matter how bad I was feeling.

I would like to acknowledge John Harris who did all the illustrations as a gift to me. I asked him for a couple of illustrations and it turned out to be quite a few morethank you John.

I would like to acknowledge Fiona Herdman-Smith for proof reading my book over and over againthank you Fiona.

I am Fiona, a country bumpkin at heart with a house full of animals. I have recently turned 50 and live with my partner, Neil, my youngest daughter Beth, my 2 dogs and 2 cats. My eldest daughter, Faye, now lives in London.

For most of the last 10 years, my life has consisted of bringing my two girls up as a single parent. If you are a single parent reading this, you will understand that at times it can be both emotionally and financially hard, but every bit has been worth it. I have been rewarded with seeing what successful, hardworking and amazing young women my daughters have become.

With Faye graduating from university and Beths studying going well, things were just about on track, well at least I thought they were. This all started just after a wonderful trip to the Gower, to celebrate turning 50! My girls, my partner, their partners and my other girls (the dogs) all came along and we had a fantastic week which I will always remember.

I got back to find my present from the NHS, a 50th birthday mammogram appointment .To be completely honest, I thought nothing of it and continued life as normal.

The moment - 27 July 2016

It was Mammogram day, I turned up had my screening and was pretty much in and out after 10 minutes, again thought nothing of it.

A week later, a first class envelope arrived I knew from that moment I had breast cancer.

I felt weak, scared, nervous, anxious and angry all at once. Those feelings have never left me and never will I dont think, I have just learnt to mask them, very well.

Anger was a big emotion for me at this point, I just kept thinking why me? How is this fair? Life has been tough enough already.

Week 1 - 8 August

Thursday, Winchester Hospital; we, myself and my partner walk into the consultation room, my heart is pounding the first thing I see is an enlarged picture of my breasts on the monitor; it doesnt take a medical qualification to clearly see that I have a lump in my left breast

The doctor introduced herself and then said there is a lump and I am concerned about it whereupon I replied

Oh my god am I going to die, or is it treatable.

She then said its treatable.

I think I was in a daze for the rest of the appointment. She took biopsies of the lymph nodes and the lump in my left breast. The biopsies didnt take long, I felt a stinging sensation and then it was all done. They made an appointment for me, 18th August 2016, at Basingstoke Hospital.

Although I never felt a lump, now I know where it is I can feel it. It will take a lot of strength not to punish myself for not finding this lump myself sooner. Why didnt I find this, I am angry at myself.

On the way home, we stopped for a large glass of wine, it hadnt sunk in, and we didnt yet know whether the lump was cancerous - but I knew. Im invincible, I get called wonder woman; things like this dont happen to me. My thoughts turned to my beautiful daughters, they need me. We have a small family, we are so close, and this cannot be true, my dogs, who will care for and walk my dogs.

I knew one thing I had to be positive and I wouldnt be telling the girls until I knew more. The youngest was in the middle of her thesis for her MSc and the eldest thinking of changing jobs. So in true Fiona style I put it on the shelf until the next appointment.

Week 2 15 August

Thursday, I go to work in the morning and according to my manager, I am on overdrive, trying to get everything done as it always keeps my mind off everything. Nobody knows what goes on inside my head, I keep a lot to myself. I love my work at Citizens Advice we are all so supportive of each other. I am the Office and Training Manager and very close to all staff and volunteers. I am the person that keeps things going, if my car is not in its usual place in the car park people panic and say, thank goodness youre in, didnt see your car and What would we do without you?. Only the managers know where I am going. They wish me luck and I go home and walk my dogs. Neil then takes me to my appointment.

The surgeon and a Breast Care Nurse call us into a consulting room. My tummy is doing flip flops, I know what they are going to say.

Its cancer, the lymph nodes and the lump both on my left side, contain cancerous cells. Again I say am I going to die, or is it treatable, she says its treatable.

We talk about the operation, its a sentinel node clearance in which all lymph nodes will be removed and then tested. Plus a lumpectomy, the lump and a margin of tissue around the lump will be taken out to ensure all cancerous cells are removed.

We talk about the treatment; chemotherapy, then radiotherapy then hormone therapy tablets for 10 years. I cant believe I must have chemotherapy, how will I cope losing my hair, I wash my hair every day. I never go out with unwashed hair, never mind no hair. She says she wants to operate on 8 September 2016. I tell the surgeon, that I cant tell my children they will worry, Beth is doing her thesis this will spoil everything. Oh dear, I am not looking forward to telling my girls. The surgeon says I need to think of myself and tell them. How can I think of myself I need to think of my girls, I hate giving my girls bad news, I know I will put off telling them till the very last minute I can.

There is one more test they need to do to find out if I have HER2 positive cancer, a cancer in which the cells tend to grow and divide faster. It will take a week or so to find out, and if I am HER2 positive I will have to have the chemo first, before the operation. We are given lots of information about all the treatments and side effects. We are also given information about wigs and bandanas. We go on our way and again stop at the pub to have a large glass of wine, its hot and sunny. Afterwards we go home and I sit in the garden. I am in a daze its a surreal feeling I just want to put it on hold, I just want to think its not happening, I like to put things on a shelf or in a box until I am ready to deal with them. Neil goes off to get some food, I promise not to google. When he leaves the house, I grab every device possible and google, google and google. Theres lots of positive stuff on the internet, good survival rates etc. Neil gets home and I put it on the shelf again and get on with life. I have no symptoms I do not feel the least bit unwell. I can push this out of my mind for the time being and pretend its not happening.