Teresa A. Taylor - The Balance Myth: Rethinking Work-Life Success

Published by Greenleaf Book Group Press
Austin, Texas
www.gbgpress.com

Copyright 2013 Teresa A. Taylor

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the copyright holder.

Distributed by Greenleaf Book Group LLC
For ordering information or special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Greenleaf Book Group LLC at PO Box 91869, Austin, TX 78709, 512.891.6100.

Design and composition by Greenleaf Book Group LLC
Cover design by Greenleaf Book Group LLC

LCCN: 2012954178

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-60832-565-8

Ebook Edition

To the special men in my life
Pete, Jack, and Joe
Thank you for your relentless encouragement and support

A chance encounter with a tremendous writer, Summer Poole, was a major catalyst to this books journey to print. Thank you to Summer for providing guidance, insight, thoughtfulness, and most importantly for listening. I wish her the best as she continues her journey.

My sincere thanks to all the US West/Qwest men and women whom I have worked withI have learned from each one of them and I am thankful that our paths crossed over the years. Many of these people continue to be lifetime friends. Specifically I would like to call out Dick Notebaert and Ed Mueller, the last two CEOs during my tenure at Qwest. Dick and Ed believed in me and pushed me beyond what I thought I was capable of. I am eternally grateful for their mentorship and insight. I also want to acknowledge the whispering that their wives, Peggy and Susan, provided to me when they witnessed me struggling.

Many friends contributed to this book by allowing me to include them in my stories, by listening, and by giving me constructive feedback. A specical acknowledgment to Robin Doerr, my lifetime best friend. Thank you to each and every one of you.

My mother was instrumental in shaping who I am today. I acknowledge her admirable strength and perseverance. The Thome family: Ann, Dick, Mark, Brian, and Karen, became a part of my family at an early age and I want to call them out for all of their involvement and guidance. In particular, Brian and Darcy have allowed me, Pete, and our sons the privilege of returning the love to them and their three children.

Petes older brothersJim, Bob, and Tomhave always been truly interested in my career and I thank them for their encouragement. They participated in the ups and downs and were always enthusiastic as my career took off. A special thanks to Terry, Kelly, and Megan for helping my boys appreciate the female perspective.

Most important, I would like to thank my family for their patience, encouragement, and wisdom during my writing process. I started out with a simple goal of writing a book and little did I know that it would be such an experience for all of us. I will forever be grateful to my husband Pete and my two sons, Jack and Joe, for riding this roller coaster with me. They contributed, guided, and laughed with me along the way.

Im just a C at everything.

Her words didnt surprise me. I had seen her earlier, peeking out from behind the attendees who had crowded around me at the end of my speech. I recognized the hungry look on her face. As I talked with the dispersing crowd, I could feel her fixed gaze. Finally, as I was walking toward the exit doors, she sprinted to catch up and introduced herself.

I have about five minutes if you want to walk with me on the way to my car, I offered. Whats on your mind?

She took a deep breath. I listened to your speech. I know about your career, but I cant figure it out. You have a family and a career, but you didnt compromise either. I dont get it. How did you do it?

I glanced at my watch. I needed more than five minutes to help her, but five minutes was all I really had. I stopped walking and gave her my full attention.

Im just so overwhelmed, she began, coming to a halt with a lurch. Im struggling to balance the demands I have at work with the time I need to spend at home with my husband and daughter. Her sigh sounded like it would cut her open. My daughters closer to her nanny than she is to me.

Though I had not struggled with feelings of being cut off from my husband and sons, I had no difficulty putting myself in her shoes. And I had one particularly painful memory of my own: A teacher had assumed I was my sons nanny rather than his mother because she had never seen me before. It had felt like a punch to the gut.

Im just a C at everything, she repeated. Im a C as a wife. Im a C as a mother. She groaned. I absolutely get a C at my job. I just cant do it all!

I understand that overwhelmed feeling, I said. I remember all the guilt and agony I put myself through over the years.

You do? Her eyes looked me over with disbelief, as if I couldnt have gone through the same struggles she faced, as if inside my purse I was hiding an old magic checklist that had put me securely on the path of least resistance. Her eyes pleaded with me, wanting me to say, Oops, sorry! I cant believe I forgot to share this with you! Here it is.

What she needed was for me to have more than five minutes to explain a few things to her. She wanted me to invest in her success. What she couldnt know was how much I wanted to as well.

I frowned and glanced again at my watch. Now I had four minutes left. I knew from experience that it was going to take me much longer than that just to get her to believe that there had been no magic involved. I held back an exasperated sigh; I didnt have time for subtlety, and I had to give her something of value to take away. First, you have to stop being so hard on yourself. Tell yourself that youre not a C; youre an A.

She just blinked.

Im serious. Stop thinking of your life as something that must be graded and measured. That just makes it harder than it needs to be. Go ahead and tell yourself that youre an A already.

Her brow furrowed. But Im not an A, she said, as if I hadnt heard her earlier admission. Im not doing that well. Im average at best. I work hard, but I feel like Im always fighting spot fires

Doesnt matter. Give yourself an A anyway.

She shook her head. But

I didnt have time for buts. I mean it! As women, we are much too hard on ourselves. Its ridiculous. Why do you think you deserve a C?

Her answer was ready. I cant seem to find the right balance between work and home.

And there it was: that insidious word, balance. If wed had more time, Im sure I would have heard the word trade-off come out of her mouth as well. I felt my watch ticking on my wrist. I needed to keep my answers simple. All right. Heres number two. Balance is a horrible word. That and trade-off are two words that fester and set women up for failure every time. Try not to think of your life as a zero-sum game or as an equation that has to be balanced.

She looked at me as if Id gone crazy. But then how do I

Let me ask you a question, I interrupted. What is it, exactly, that makes you feel like youre a C? I mean what, specifically, is giving you the most heartburn?

She considered this. I think, overall, my main problem is that Im not a very good multitasker.

Oh yeah. Multitasking! One more word to hate. I smiled at my reaction.

I need to be better at it, she continued, quickly outlining how she envisioned implementing that skill in her work life. I need to be more effective with my time.

Yes. Time management is huge. But lets be even more specific, I tried. I turned and began to walk toward my car. She jogged to keep up. I needed to shift her focus away from work. Like many career women I had talked to over the years, she was determined to focus on work first, but most of these women had issues that originated at home. I repeated again: Can you give me an example of somethingsome specific situationthat makes you feel like youre not a good multitasker? Maybe youre having trouble getting your daughter off to school in the morning, and thats making you late for work. Maybe something at home like that. Can you identify your main stumbling block?