Lori Ellen Poland - I Live Here; Learning to Heal Through Embracing Your Own Story

Copyright 2022 by LORI POLAND, LLC. All rights reserved.

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I LIVE HERE: Learning to heal through embracing your story
By Lori Poland

ISBN hardcover: 979-8-9857361-2-0
ISBN paperback: 979-8-9857361-4-4
ISBN ebook: 979-8-9857361-1-3
ISBN audio book: 979-8-9857361-9-9

Cover design by Judith S. Designs.

Edited by Cortni L. Merritt at SRD Editing Services

Printed in the United States of America

Lori Poland, LLC

Denver, Colorado, U.S.A.

I dedicate this book to my three magnificent children. They are the reason Ive woken up on those days I wished my eyes wouldnt open. They are the reason I hope the future for children is an accepting one, one that allows voices to be heard, one where they dont have to doubt themselves or fear not being loved. Because, for them, I will do anything. Because, for me, they are my everything. Sydney, Olivia, and Camden: Thank you for being my strength.

This book is also dedicated to the one and only Dr. Richard David Krugman. Dicks belief in me and my impassioned commitment to creating space, healing, a voice, and fairness for those impacted by abuse has led my path of growth and expansion. Dick saw me as a young girl who had a voice; thirty-three years later, he helped fan the flame of that voice by opening EndCAN with me. With you, Dick, I can move mountains. I thank you for you, and I hope this book finds its way into healing millions more we wouldnt reach on our own.

To Marilyn: You are why I sat down to finally write this version of my truth. You gifted me with a safe place to begin my writing journey. You taught me to fight, scream, speak, and not to stop until someonemost importantly mehears me. Thank you for that first push.

To Heather: It is you who walked me through this journey. You said, Dont organize, just write. Dont plan, just write. Dont fear, just write. Dont do anything but write. Well, I ignored most of that, and this book took a lot longer than we originally thought it would, but its here. You are my sister in soul, and I thank you for being the validation behind the voice. We are not alone.

To Mike and Beth: Thank you both for affording me the space to run and write. Your home, your mountains, your serenity got me through so many pages. Without you, Id never had found the space to get it out. Youve inspired me to create a home for exactly such things, and I thank you for that.

People ask me every day, How do you do it, Lori? How do you manage it all, with a smile on your face?

My response is fairly simple: intention. I think about the way I want to be in the world, and I do that. It certainly does not go without tears, upset, or snotty and emotional reactions to things that bug me. Every moment of every day, I attempt to be the change I wish to see in the world. Ive had a strong intuition from a very early age. In nearly all difficult relationships and experiences in my life, my instinct often told me when things were off. I, unfortunately, have not always listened to it, and in fact, it wasnt until later in life that I realized although I didnt listen, it wasnt wrong either. I often find myself ignoring it, typically driven from a place of fear. Once I began to hear me, the sight of things became clearer. I was able to see relationships for what they were and people for who they were, and I came to know when it was my time to step aside.

I write this book because I see millions of people who struggle with their shadow story, hiding the in the dark, keeping it in a roomdoor closed, lights off, avoiding its existence. I know what that feels like, to pretend that everything is okay. I know what it feels like to be onto hold it together, smile and nod, and push forward. And, I also know, that we are given teachings in life. Ones that advance us. Ones that direct us to be our unique and individual selves, helping us with our tiny roles in this world.

When we are too distracted or avoidant of our shadow story, we are shaken, as if by an earthquake to our core, and we hit bottom. From here, the only way to go is up. We are made to notice and listen, made to attend, and amend, made to look at and address this shadow story so that we can be provided with our intended truest gifts. Its in this surrender-ship that I write this book. It is from this place that I release all power, strength, courage, management skills, knowing, and directorship. Sharing my shadow story is true surrendering.

I hold nothing back. I share my story with hopes that someone will read it, connect to it, find strength and hope in it, and use it to grow in their own lives. I share because I know that we learn from, through, and with each other, not on our own.

The idea of writing my story, sharing my inner darkest secrets, is frightening. I worry a lot. I worry that it will hurt those closest to me. I worry about the haters out there. I worry that people will judge me, judge us, for it all.

My kidnapping caused a lot of harm: From 19831985, and in 1989, 1991, 1998, 2001, 2014, 2018, and now. Most of those later years were caused when I brought it up, being a poster child for the collective efforts toward ending child abuse and neglect. The harm was sometimes caused by my willingness to speak, which in a sense was sacrificial, to provide hope, possibility, and healing to millions of people who were suffering with abusein fear, alone, isolated.

I write this story because I know the fear. I feel the fear, and I am okay with holding space for the fear. I am worthy of having a voice; you are worthy of having a voice; our children are worthy of having voices, too.

I believe there is so much hope and possibility after trauma and abuse. I believe thatwhile our stories get embedded into our brainsour way of doing, thinking, and being can be rewritten. We canat any pointre-write the meanings we assign to them. Most certainly, with great intention, we can do things differently and live lives of surviving, thriving, and transcending.