Jennifer Cummings Ph.D - Hope After Divorce

Hope After Divorce

Edited by Jennifer Cummings, Ph.D., Lisa LaBelle, and Amy Osmond Cook, Ph.D.

Sourc ed Media Books, LLC
San Clemente, CA

Copyright 2011, Sourced Media Books. All rights reserved.

Sourced Media Books, LLC

20 Via Cristobal

San Clemente, CA 92673

www.sourcedmediabooks.com

eISBN: 978-1-937458-18-8

This publication is designed to provide information for inspirational purposes only and is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice of any kind. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

-From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

Acknowledgments

First and foremost, we would like to thank our contributing authors, who have written such thoughtful, courageous, and faith-promoting essays. We thank you for sharing your powerful experiences and important messages. We are most grateful.

We would like to sincerely thank Virginia H. Pearce for writing the beautiful foreword. We would also like to thank Mandy Davis Clegg for her contributions to the book, as well as her efforts in sharing its important message with members of the community.

Thanks to our families for their unwavering support and love through this three-year collaboration.

Above all, we are grateful for our Savior, Jesus Christ. In Him, there is always hope.

Foreword

Virginia H. Pearce

In one way or another, divorcetouches most families.... We cannot control and we are not responsible forthe choices of others, even when they impact us so painfully. So spoke Elder Dallin H. Oaks in General Conference, April 2007.The prevalence of divorce seems to gain momentum with each passing decade. Thereasons for it are legion. The individuals affected, impossible to count. Thepain is overwhelming.

These are the individual stories of individualwomen. Their stories are theirs alone. But there is great commonality. Each isfull of pain, and each has found relief and healing through the Atonement ofJesus Christ. Of a certainty, they will be encouraging to those who areexperiencing the dissolution of their families. But these stories reach beyondthe specificity of divorce and into every mortal experience that is pain-filled.They educate us. They soften us. They teach us. We find renewed hope in theAtonement of Jesus Christ. We are convinced, once again, that he offers healingbalm and sustains usno matter the woundsif we will make the choice to turn toHim in our brokenness.

On finishing the last page, the reader is filledwith hope and gratitude for the goodness of God, He who gave each of Hischildren agency, but then offered healing balm, even ordering all things for ourgood, as fast as we are able to receive them (D&C 111:11).

These women of faith can testify, along withElder Oaks, Whatever the outcome and no matter how difficult your experiences,you have the promise that you will not be denied the blessings of eternal familyrelationships if you love the Lord, keep His commandments, and just do the bestyou can. When young Jacob suffered afflictionsand much sorrow from the actions of other family members, Father Lehi assuredhim, Thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thineafflictions for thy gain (2 Nephi 2:12).

Introduction

Jennifer Cummings, Ph.D., Lisa LaBelle, and Amy Osmond Cook, Ph.D.

Divorce statistics paint a grimpicturesomething some of us have learned the hard way. Researchers project thatfifty percent of first marriages will end in divorce over their lifetime, andsecond marriages fare even worse.

Divorce hurts everyone; and no matter how commonit becomes in the world, nothing fully prepares one for a loss of thismagnitude. Those who have walked, or are still walking, the fiery path ofdivorce can attest to the intense suffering that comes from broken hearts,broken dreams, and broken covenants. The devastation simply cannot beoverstated. It can, however, be overcome.

In this collection of deeply personal narrativesare the inspiring stories of ordinary LDS women and other Christian women offaith who, through their extraordinary faith and courage, have triumphed overthe tests and trials of divorce. Each shares her per sonal so journ through the labyrinth of divorce. Each isintimately acquainted with grief, anger, hurt, and fear. Between them, theyhave felt the wounds of abuse, thesting of betrayal, and the crushing blow of rejection. They have endured the kind ofdisappointment and despair that leaves one wondering whether anything inlife can ever be made right again. They do not claim to have all the answersor to have done everything right in marriage or divorcebut they havewalked through the refiners fire and emerged with stronger faith. They are women who have relied upon the Atonement of Christ and have foundhope and solace therein.

These women share their stories for thebenefit of those who also find themselves in the dark and lonely hallways ofdivorce. Their message is one of good cheer with a promise of better daysahead. As each testifies, all things can indeed work together for good to them that love God (Romans 8:28).

Divorce is not the answer to all maritaltroubles, nor would it ever be our desire to encourage, promote, orglamorize the dissolution of marriage. For most of the women in this book,divorce was not a matter of choice but an undesired consequence of aspouses decision to end a marriage. For others whose marriages turnedabusive and degrading, divorce was the unfortunate consequence of whatPresident James E. Faust called a prolonged and apparently irredeemablerelationship, which is destructive of a persons dignity as a humanbeing.

Ultimately, what leads to the breakdown of amarriage is complicated and cannot be attributed to one person or onegender; however, the question at the heart of this book is not how we get tothe point of divorce but how we get through it!

By design,this book is about womens experiences with divorcenot because we see womenas the sole victims of divorce, but because we know from experience thechallenges of facing divorce as religiously devoted women. We haveexperienced personally the comfortthat comes from knowing there are those who have walked the road before usand have survived an d thrived.

While the authors hold in common their faith inJesus Christ, they otherwise represent diverse backgrounds and circumstances.Some were married for decades, while others were married for months. Most hadchildren at the time of divorce, but some did not. Some have since marriedagain, while others have remained single. For a few, healing came quickly, whilefor others, wounds are still fresh. Some speak of the liberating power offorgiveness, while others make their way toward that goal one day at a time.Some have moved mountains to be able to stay at home with their children, whileothers have had new worlds of opportunity open up in their education andcareers. Most express gratitude for family and friends who have walked with themthrough their darkest hours, and all testify of a Savior who succored themthrough their personal Gethsemanes.

The essays written by these admirable women offerus a glimpse of the shock, humiliation, and heartache that often comes withdivorce; to gloss over this reality would be to obscure the gravity of such lossand minimize the devastation born of divorce. Notwithstanding, great care hasbeen taken by the authors and editors of this book to ensure that their storieswill not bring embarrassment to former spouses or family members. To that end,names and identifying circumstances in the narratives have been changed.