Vitale Buford - Addicted to Perfect: A Journey Out of the Grips of Adderall

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This book is dedicated to Bentley Carter. Thank you for showing me the way.

H ere, try one of my Adderall, he says, like its an aspirin. Ive been dating Ryan for seven months now. He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was ten, so he has a prescription.

Im taking eighteen credit hours this semesterwhich includes chemistry and a lab. Double majoring in public relations and fashion merchandising sounded like a great idea. Yeah rightwho knew that chemistry was a requirement for fashion merchandising? And on top of my full course load I am working two part-time jobswaiting tables at Cracker Barrel and clerking at a local boutique. Im drowning. The stress of maintaining a social life with my boyfriend and sorority doesnt help, and Ive gained ten pounds since the semester began.

Im in my room in the sorority house getting ready for my shift at Cracker Barrel. Its embarrassing to walk out of my room in my brown apron, white button-down shirt, and black pants, so I change in the car instead. I dont want anyone to know that I work at Cracker Barrel because then theyll know how different I am from them. Im already a year older, twenty pounds heavier, and not as put together. I dont need another reason to be different. On the way to my car, I pass by several of my sorority sistersmost of them are laughing and going to and from class. They seem so carefree while I am the opposite. All I do is carewhat people think, how I look, what I say, what I do. They smile at me, but they dont engage with me. I feel like an outcast in the house I am supposed to live in.

Ive heard of Adderall; people talk about it being helpful with studying. The only reason I know about this drug is because it was prescribed to my little sister, Frankie, in elementary school. She has ADHD and needed it to concentrate in school. It helped her stay focused and organized. Adderall is a prescription stimulant that contains amphetamine, and its used to treat ADHD and narcolepsy. Recreationally, its used on campus as a study drug to pull all-nighters and to maintain the stamina to party. My sister was diagnosed with ADHDshe was doing poorly in school and was disorganized with little drive or motivation. Adderall helped her concentrate and focus, but she still struggled with school and was labeled a problem child. She still has that label.

I make good gradesIm a straight A studentbut its because I work my ass off. I am overwhelmed and Im barely meeting the demands of college. Its the fall semester of my junior yearthat means I have one year remaining to build the most amazing resume so I can get the most amazing job when I graduate.

When Ryan takes Adderall, it helps him study and stay focused but takes away his ability to connect with others emotionally. He becomes flat in response to conversation and, really, just cant engage. Hes serious and short-tempered, and his eyes are lifeless. Its like Adderall cuts off his personalityhe just focuses on schoolwork. Normally, Ryan is laid back and carefree, and Adderall steals that from him. Other side effects are restlessness and irritability and nervousnessits why Ryan hates taking it. He just wants to smoke pot and chill, and Adderall is anything but chill. Hes been watching me burn the candle at both endsmy anxiety makes my fuse short, and Im not as fun as I used to be.

Seriouslytry one of my Adderall, Ryan urges. It will help you stay focused and work faster; I promise. He hands me one of his Adderall pills. I hold it in my hand. Its 20 mg. It wont hurt to try itright? Just this once.

Adderall is treated casually on campus. If you want it, you can get it. Easily. Its a miracle drug that gives you crazy energy to stay up all night and study. Its a performance-enhancing drugthe assignments that would typically take you several hours to complete take only thirty minutes on Adderall. Its like the controlled form of coke or speed or meth, but its a prescriptionso it must be legal. People with prescriptions sell it or give it away to people who crave it for performance. And now that I know about it, it seems like everyone is on it. I could walk into the student center or main library and probably find someone to sell it to me within five or ten minutes. How did I not think about taking this until now? I dont know if this is the answer, but I need something.

I go into his kitchen and turn on the faucet. I put the pill in my mouth, and I bend my head over the sink and turn my head to let the faucet water run into my mouth. I get enough water in my mouth and I stand up straight and I

swallow the pill. Im nervousI have no clue how this is going to affect me. I go into the living room of my boyfriends house and I sit down on the couch. He said it takes fifteen to twenty minutes to kick in. Im looking at the clock, counting down.

Ive stayed away from most drugs because addiction runs in my family. My mom would be sober one moment, and then the next moment she would walk back into the room completely drunk or high on Xanax. I learned to live by walking on eggshells. I also have a sister who is a drug addict who taught me to live on high alertalways in fight or flight modewaiting for the tumult that would soon be brought on by one of her episodes and ultimately her run-ins with the law.

It was so lonely living with both of them. My dad traveled all the time for work so I was left with my alcoholic mom, who was always too busy running her business, and my sister, who was the imperfect trouble-maker. I wanted to be the opposite. And I wasI was the perfect child. I didnt make waves, I never argued, I always took a back seat to everyone elses attention mongering. I mediated arguments between my sister and my parents; in fact, I mediated arguments between my parents. I wanted everyone to get along. I did what I was supposed to domake good grades, work hard, and look pretty while doing it.