Penn Jillette - Every Day is an Atheist Holiday!: More Magical Tales from the Author of God, No!

ALSO BY PENN JILLETTE

God, No! Signs You May Already Be an Atheist and Other Magical Tales

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Published by the Penguin Group

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Copyright 2012 by 10 IN 1

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Published simultaneously in Canada

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Jillette, Penn.

Every day is an atheist holiday! : more magical tales from the author of God, no! / Penn Jillette.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-1-101-60074-0

1. ReligionHumor. 2. AtheismHumor. 3. American wit and humor. I. Title.

PN6231.R4J546 2012 2012035920

818'.607dc23

While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers, Internet addresses, and other contact information at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

DEDICATED TO

FEBRUARY 28, 1966

JUNE 3, 2005

MAY 22, 2006

CONTENTS

EVERY DAY IS AN ATHEIST HOLIDAY

Joy to the world, the Lord is come!

Let earth receive her King;

Let every heart prepare Him room,

And heavn and nature sing,

And heavn and nature sing,

And heavn, and heavn, and nature sing.

Joy to the earth, the Savior reigns!

Let men their songs employ;

While fields and floods, rocks, hills, and plains

Repeat the sounding joy,

Repeat the sounding joy,

Repeat, repeat, the sounding joy.

No more let sins and sorrows grow,

Nor thorns infest the ground;

He comes to make his Blessings flow

Far as the curse is found,

Far as the curse is found,

Far as, far as, the curse is found.

He rules the world with truth and grace,

And makes the nations prove

The glories of His righteousness,

And wonders of His love,

And wonders of His love,

And wonders, and wonders, of His love.

LYRICS BY ISAAC WATTS

THIS IS NOT A HALF-ASSED XMAS SONG. Its not at all secular Coca-Cola Christmas. This is authentic Christmas jive. The music was either adapted from a song by Handel or ripped off from part of his Messiah. The melody descends right down the major scale on its way to hell, but lands firmly on the saved tonic. When the Sex Pistolss music descended directly down the scale, the lyrics were No future, and those clever boys go back up and start down again a few times until they land on the tonic with for you. Im not going to get too programmatic with Joy to the World. It is a descending scale, but its major and confident and root landing makes it safe and jubilant. The music is consonant with joy in the world.

But its not about joy in the world. Its about joy to the world, and there is a world of difference there. Ive read the Bible and Ive listened carefully to all of the popular Christmas carols. I enjoy listening to lyrics. Ive listened to the Theme from Shaft a lot and its an almost perfect song. Its recorded with a full orchestra including two wah-wah guitars. Yes, two wah-wahs. You know that the brown-chicken-brown-chicken-brown-chicken part is wah-wah, but the other guitar is wah-wah too. If Beethoven were writing today, he wouldnt consider an ensemble without two wah-wah guitars to be a proper orchestra.

Isaac Hayes puts that quadruple wah orchestra to use to get the perfect classy, funky, sexy sound. He gives us a few measures of hi-hat for nothing, and the vocal doesnt even start until were knocking on two minutes. The lyrics start out just right with rhetorical questions that are still answered with Shaft. Its lush and inspiring and then... it turns into an Italian air show as the wings come off with one sloppy line. Hes a complicated man, but no one understands him but his woman. What? Hes a complicated man BUT no one understands him but his woman? Why is the first but in that line? How the fuck does that conjunction introduce something contrasting or contrary to what has already been stated? Huh? Are we to believe that complicated men are usually understood by most everyone other than their women? The word should not be but. Hes a complicated man, AND no one understands him but his woman is not very good either. The only being understood by his woman doesnt really add information. I guess you could try Hes a complicated man THEREFORE no one understand him but his woman, or Hes a complicated man ERGO no one understands him but his woman, but those seem a little precious and double the syllables. Consequently is way too longyou dont want a four-syllable word in pop music unless youve got the triple single syllable double negative of cant get no to take the curse off your satisfaction. Consequently is also not exactly the right word. His complication doesnt directly cause the lack of understanding; theyre really one and the same. Its just restating the idea to me, which is whats so wrong with the but. Thus, hence or even so would make sense if Isaac needed one syllable there, but I dont feel the need. I would use nothing. Hes a complicated man. No one understands him but his woman. Thats fine, one but, one woman, no woman no cryvery Bob Marley. Do a full stop after complicated man and it will strengthen the idea; just let it hang there. Then right into No one understands him but his woman. Great.

Just when Im confused by why a complicated man would normally be understood by people other than his woman, Mr. Hayes throws me another curve. I would have let this one slide by if the sandpaper of his but hadnt sensitized my song safecracking fingertips. For most of the song, the excellent backup singers (one of them Telma Hopkins from Tony Orlando and Dawnand Tony isnt a private dick who is a sex machine to all the chicks and thats damn right) answer Isaac with Shaft and then one shut your mouth after Isaac almost says motherfucker. Hayes explains that he was just talking about Shaft and they affirm that they can dig it, and Im sure they can, even postDawn Telma.