Penn Jillette - How to Cheat Your Friends at Poker: The Wisdom of Dickie Richard

This book made available by the Internet Archive.

VI COIIEIIS

10. MAKING IT MORE INTERESTING 50

11. WORKING YOUR FRIENDS 03

12. MATH:11N1ISDETTERTHAN1IN2JR10T01 70

13. MAKING YOUR MARKS 74

14. PAPER-WORKINGAHHH, THE SIX OF DIAMONDS" 00

15. HIGH CARD OEATS A PAIR 00

10. SHINERS 04

17. DO YOU KISS YOUR MOTHER WITH THAT MOUTH? 00

10. TIPS AND TRICKS 103

10. CHIPS AHOY! 110

20. AVOIDING PROOIEMS 110

21. HORNING 122

22. CORING THE APPLE 120

23. TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN 135

24. GAMES PEOPLE PLAY 130

25. TAKING THE HIT 145

20. SLAMMING THE POT 155

27. SHARKING 100

20. NUTS 107

20. LIVE AND LEARN 171

30. SHILLING 101

31. CHEATING IN THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY 100

32. THE TEMPTATION TO PLAY FAIR

Julia Roberts is SOU a Whore 101

Acknowledgments 105

Glossary ISO

Appendix A: Rank ol Winning Hands and Odds Chart 242

Appendix 0: Ten Ways to Make Your Home Poker Game Cheat Prool 247

Index 251

DISCLAIMER

T his book will teach you how to cheat. If you have any doubt about that, read the title again. It is not a book about how not to be cheated. The only way you can be sure youre not getting cheated is if youre doing all the cheating and all the winning. Anything short of that in poker and you are the fish. There are only two kinds of players in every game: the shark and the fish. If you arent sure youre the shark whos there to win money, youre a fish whos there to lose money.

There really is no such thing as ^ friendly game of poker. People play games of chance in order to make money from the other people playing the game. There is no difference between fair play and cheating. Even fair poker is not a real job; its a way to get something for nothing. And something for nothingif its winning the lottery or robbing a liquor storeis cheating. If you dont want to cheat, stop reading, sell this book on eBay for a couple bucks, and quit playing poker for the rest of your life.

If you want a fair gamedont play poker. If you dont want to cheat, someone else will. And even if no one is doing what you call cheatingif someone is just playing bettertheyre doing what / call cheating. Winning is all that matters, and if its all that matters, then youd better be winning any way you can. By any means

VIII DISCLAIMER

necessary.... Ill lay you seven to five that Malcolm Little played a bit of poker.

If youre looking for honest money, get a job. If youre looking for fun, buy a hooker. If youre looking to hang out, go to a gay bar. If youre looking to make some money in home poker games ... keep reading.

INTRODUCTION

by Penn Jillette

dont feel good about this book.

I am not a card cheat. I have never been a card cheat. I dont think anyone should be a card cheat. I dont think you should be a card cheat. I sure dont want to help you be a card cheat.

Doing magic is not cheating. Writing shows and books is not lying. At some level everything I write is fiction, and everyone is supposed to be in on it. When I pick up a deck of cards to do a trick, everyone knows its not on the up-and-upits a trick and everyone knows it. On the rare occasions when I play a real game of cards, I dont cheat. When I play with friends, we dont play for money, and theres no cheating. Why bother?

When I play cards on Celebrity Poker Showdown or in little Texas Hold Em tournaments in Vegas, I promise everyone I wont cheat. I give my word. Its not like I really have to. 1 dont win, so no one would care if I were cheating. As this book will show, you can cheat in Vegas, but why bother? To make money cheating in Vegas takes a lot of work. To make money cheating at home games is much easier. Its bringing a gun to a knife fight, and youre fighting against people who like you and dont want to hurt you. Candy from babies.

Cheating at home card games is stealing from friends. Its as

X INIRODUCIION

easy as that. The techniques are easy. The work is easy. All that makes it hard is the morals, and unfortunately there are ways to get over that problem. Sadly, this book will help.

WTere does your loyalty lie, with people or ideas? Would you perjure yourself for someone you loved? Would you turn in your Unabomber brother? Would you act as a front for a book that youre not sure should be published? 1 guess youre not the one to ask, since youre reading a book about how to cheat your friends. Your loyalty is to neither people nor ideals.

Many years ago, when 1 was a kid hitchhiking around the country, I met a guy. For this book, were going to call him Dickie Richard. (Its not his real name. He let me choose the fake name, so fuck him.)

I was eighteen years old. I was a good juggler, a good talker, and I did a little magic. I was hoping to be the great existential American writer, but I was afraid that I might have to get a job. AJl my options were still open. I did a lot of card tricks. When I met Dickie I briefly considered becoming a card cheat. To a kid, its very sexy. Magic isnt sexy; cheating is. Dickie is as colorful as you can get. He drips character. Hes a totally fictitious character, talking large and cutting up jackpots (thats slang for telling stories). I figured if I couldnt make it as a writer, and if I couldnt make it as a performer ... well, being Dickie might be a good third option. Dad always told me I should have something to fall back on. Dad didnt mean cheating.

Dickie watched me juggle and he watched me with a deck of cards. He listened to me talk and make jokes. He saw how I handled myself. He taught me some amazing card moves. He bought me food and he gave me a place to stay. He told me stories. He taught me a lot about cheating at cards. He taught me a lot about cheating at life. The cards dont matter. Once you decide to cheat, it doesnt matter much what youre cheating at.

INTRODUCTION XI

Its pretty easy to see why a kid who played with cards would want to hang out with a real, full-time card cheat. Its harder to see why Dickie would want to hang out with me. It was only a couple of months, but thats a lot of time to waste on a kid. I was a big guy, and I was living on the streets, trying to look tough and maybe succeeding a little. Dickie had some money he needed to pick up, and maybe he wanted someone like me standing beside him. I didnt understand what errand we were running at the time, and I dont understand it much better now.

Dickie isnt just a card cheathe does other bad stuff, too. And even if he did use me for backup, a little fake muscle wasnt worth the time he spent with me and the information he gave me. He wasnt trying to screw me in any sense of that word. I wasnt his type to screw and I had nothing to be screwed out of. For some reason, he took a liking to me. I seemed sleazy enough to be an apprentice, but I dont think he wanted an apprentice. Dickie opened up to me and taught me a lot. At the time, it was amazingI never thought people like him even existed, much less that I would get to know them. Now that Im older, and I know more about Dickie and more about the world, its even more amazing. He didnt know me. He lies to everyone. Why would he tell me the truth? He lives a secret life. Why would he talk to me? I was a kid living on the streets, hitching across the country. What was in it for him?