Shawn Gascoyne-Bowman - Criminal Crafts: From D.I.Y. to F.B.I. Outlaw Projects for Scoundrels, Cheats, and Armchair Detectives

Criminal Crafts copyright 2012 by Shawn Gascoyne-Bowman. Photographs copyright 2012 by Laura Sams and Robert Sams. Illustrations 2012 by Giuseppe Lipari. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.

Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC

an Andrews McMeel Universal company

1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106

www.andrewsmcmeel.com

E-ISBN: 978-1-4494-1032-2

Library of Congress Control Number: 2011932638

Book design by Holly Ogden

Photography by Laura Sams and Robert Sams, www.sisbro.com

Additional art by Giuseppe Lipari, www.studiolipari.com

www.criminalcrafts.com

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Criminal Intent
PRACTICAL PROJECTS FOR GETTING THE JOB DONE

Accessories to the Fact
CRIMES OF FASHION

Recipes for Disaster
50 WAYS TO CLEAVE YOUR LEAVER

Home Is Where the Heart Is...
and the Left Leg, and the Spleen
DECOR FOR YOUR DEN OF THIEVES

It isnt often in life that we are afforded the opportunity to mix business with pleasure. Ironically, this thought struck me during my last little visit to the big house. After a couple of minor indiscretions, I was forced to cool my heels for a few monthsbut on the upside I could network with associates, and hopefully pick up a new skill, like knitting on a shoestring, or in my case, knitting with a shoestring because my yarn stash was declared contraband.

During this imposed vacation I realized criminals and crafters truly have lots in common: time on their hands, sticky fingers that cant stay still, and a knack for repurposing anything that isnt bolted down into either a tool for busting out or an objet dart.

When the full oeuvre of criminal and crafting hobbies is considered, from self-inflicted tattoos to poodle-shaped Kleenex cozies made from pom-poms, a common thread unwindsthese folks are pathological makers. The world is their canvas to embellish, tweak, glitter, and occasionally set on fire.

The pinstripe cloth cuts both ways. Consider two of the twentieth centurys more notorious icons: John Dillinger and Martha Stewart. Dillinger, Public Enemy No. 1, purportedly fashioned a mock gun out of a bar of soap and shoe polish, using it to escape from the Crown Point, Indiana, county jail. Brilliant! With limited resources he created a functional object (which doubled as a great gift), and was able to make a clean getaway.

On the flip side of the paint chip we have Martha Stewart, Americas Patron Saint of Craft. The woman who sleeps with a glue gun under her pillow was convicted of no less than four felony charges, including conspiracy to obstruct justice, perjury, making false statements to federal prosecutors (two counts), and obstruction of justice. Personally, I think Martha got a bum rap on that one, but Im biased. She once gave me a cookie (just before having me removed from her set), and while I might hold a grudge, Im no cookie hater.

Although the lines between scrapbookers and convicts can get somewhat blurry, they positively disintegrate when you throw a little espionage into the mix. Where would a successful spy be without hollow books, see-behind sunglasses, and homemade instant disguises?

Perusing the lineup of usual DIY suspects, lets not forget the noir femme fatale. This pulp fiction trollop might be better known for leading good men astray rather than for her domestic skills, but believe me, those little vixens are house-proud, and handy at a bit more than laundering the money and cooking the books. Who better than a curvy strumpet to deliver a cake with a file inside or knockout cocktail recipesmake mine a Double Agent!

From sprucing up your cell to concocting a recipe for disaster, Criminal Crafts has a little something for everyone. The projects featured in this book wont cost you an arm and a leg, either (maybe a pinkie, but thats if you dont pay up in time). Heaven knows, its hard to be a gangster, and spending money to make money never made much sense to me. Whenever possible, featured crafts utilize materials you probably already have sitting around the house: duct tape, a hammer, Pop Rocks, lock-picking tools... So, bust out your inner felonits time to get crafty.

Putting together a book is a lot like pulling off a big heist: It takes years of planning and a tight crew of geniuses. My heartfelt thanks go out to: Xander, my demolitions expert; Lucy the puppet master; Bo, my partner in crime and manager of offshore accounts; Sorche, whos got my probation officer on speed dial; Lane Butler, funky font master Holly Ogden, and the outstanding crew at Andrews McMeel; Popeye, my consigliere; Bobby Tom, for maintaining my fleet of getaway vehicles; San Antonio Pat, the titular head of our crime family; Auntie Linda, my bookie; Pooch, for making me look pretty; Ms. Dawkins of the Tragically Charming Living Room; the handsome David Walker, a.k.a. Dr. No Love; V-town Julie, for minding my ps and qs; and, of course, Amy, my nemesis.

Im especially lucky to have collaborated with the amazingly talented brother-and-sister team of Laura Sams and Robert Samsex-pirates, filmmakers, and occasionally shark bait. Their expertise in photography, computers, and taxidermy proved invaluable.

Thanks also go to Sckavones, Rocking Frog Caf, the Someday Lounge, and the Oregon Film Museum in Astoria for letting us come in and take pictures. The Portland Police Museum is inspirational and a great place for doing research; its nice to be on the other side of the bars for a change. Friends of Tryon Creek State Park and Paxton Gate, Portland, assisted enormously in the loan of stuffed squirrels Stumpy and Stumpy Two, respectively. If you ever find yourself in the Pacific Northwest, it would be a crime to miss these fine establishments.