Thomas Hill - What to Expect When Your Wife Is Expanding: A Reassuring Month-by-Month Guide for the Father-to-Be, Whether He Wants Advice or Not

What to Expect When Your Wife Is Expandingcopyright 1993, 2007, 2012 by Cader Company Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.

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ISBN: 978-1-4494-1845-8

Library of Congress Control Number: 2011945619

Text illustrations by Ken Westphal.

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Does life begin as a gleam in fathers eye?

This playful idiom is thoroughly outdated. Gleams are a nice start, but today pregnancy is more likely to be planned, discussed, even scheduled. Couples consider their careers, their finances, their health, their age, the results of their genetic counseling, the feng shui of their apartment, and the latest forecast for mortgage rates. Having a baby is complicated, expensive, painful, and messy, yet people keep doing it. Scientists and sociologists point to an increasingly convincing body of research that indicates this is largely a result of babies being so darn cute.

So, a gleam in fathers eye? Quite the opposite, old boy. In fact, pregnancy may still begin with a gleam, but today that gleam is probably in her eye, and shes not thinking about you, gorgeous. There comes a time in life when youre just the means to a seven-pound, six-ounce end.

There is, naturally, the possibility of simultaneous eye gleaming (and we all know how much fun that can be). This can mean either a pair of equally baby-crazy parents or a pair of very surprised parents who werent expecting to be expecting. Those who planned ahead are statistically more likely to invest in a wider variety of nursery wallpaper borders and baby books, but otherwise the differences are minimal. Once you start, you are all on the same path. Just because youre surprised doesnt mean youre not ready. Fate says you are, and the countdown to a new lifefor you and the babystarted a month and a half ago. Not a morning person? Well, you will be soon enough.

Finally, there is the least common situation when the gleam actually is in the fathers eye. When you really want to have kids and your wife has lingering doubts about stalling her career, sacrificing her body, and learning to love whatever animated characters or singing combos Nick Junior and Disney Preschool are hawking lately, well that is trouble mister. Danger, danger, danger! Sure, you might talk her into it, but as the wait goes on, and the weight goes onshell know exactly whom to blame. If youre eager to get started having babies, be very careful to make it seem like it was at least partly her idea. You might even want to get her to sign something.

No matter whose fault, we mean idea, it is, so many joys and experiences lie ahead. Before you ever become a father, youre going to be pregnant. Youll try to record the amplified heartbeat in the fourth month. (It makes an odd but compelling ringtone!) Youll be parrying Whos the father? wisecracks from the boys. Youll nod knowingly, pretending you see it, while a doctor points at a piece of abstract art and claims it is a sonogram image of Babys head, spine, or small parts. And then youll have that same ultrasound picture as a screen saver.

Youll go along with your wife when she puts your hand on her tummy and says, There, you had to feel that one. Youll debate the issue of paternity leave. Can you take it? And if you take it, can you take it? How long can anyone take it? Youll organize the Date-Weight-Sex Trifecta betting pools at the office for fun and profit, and, if youre like the average man, youll repaint the nursery 2.7 times before she likes the color despite the fact that she shouldnt be anywhere near those fumes.

Youll wonder about life with Baby. Will you ever see your single friends again? And how will you explain that, yes, you do need to go home even though, yes, your wife is capable of watching the baby alone? How can you man up while wearing a baby in a sling? With a burp cloth draped over one shoulder? How will you deal with problems of rivalry? No, not what happens with siblings, but what will happen when you and the baby vie for your wifes attention? Have you properly bonded with your baby? Why do they always pee the moment the diaper comes off? Exactly how far does vomiting have to travel to be defined as projectile?

But lets face it. If youve read this far, youre probably already a pregnant dad, or possibly just a member of the authors family (Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!), but in either case, youre committed. Youre going to be pregnant for a while, so you might as well go ahead and read this whole book while it might still seem funny. You know, when it is all happening to other people.

Judging whether a woman is going to have a baby is a relatively simple matter of physiology. A home test or visit to a doctor can answer your question quickly and definitively. Judging whether a woman is in a state of prepregnancy is a much more subtle matter. However, it is vitally important for you to know whether she is prepregnant. If such a condition exists, the sooner you know, the better. Once you know, you can institute either proactive or evasive action.

The simplest test for determining prepregnancy is to listen to your wife. If you pay attention (for a change), youll be able to discern a notable increase in suggestive comments: Dont you think Zo is a pretty name? Did you know theres a nice little nursery school just over on Elm Street? or My sister wants to know if we want Willys crib now that hes out of it. These are clues. Are you picking up on them? If not, try reading this paragraph again. Think. What is this woman trying to tell you? Got it? There you go.

If listening to your wife is a challenge, if you had to read that last paragraph more than twice, or if you simply never know what she is getting at, it may be worth investing in one of the many books on the market aimed at improving malefemale communication. A few recommended titles: Mary Cornwall, What Women Dont Tell Men but Expect Them to Know (Prentice-Schuster, 2007); E. P. Dunham, Dictionary of the Female Language, 15th edition (Oxford Reference Books, 2011); Robin Filmoore, I Am Listening; Youre Not Saying Anything! (Freedentia College Press, 2008).

If you dont have time to read up on communication, or even to watch The View on a regular basis, you still have the list below to help you make this important determination.

Suggests sex