Melissa Orlov - The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps

Copyright 2010 Melissa Orlov.

All rights reserved.

No part of this book, except those portions specifically noted, may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means now known or to be invented, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system, without written permission from the publisher, except for brief quotations. Requests for permission or further information should be addressed to the publisher.

Brief quotes from pp 6, 106 from THE DANCE OF ANGER by HARRIET GOLDHOR LERNER (c) 1985 by Harriet G. Lerner. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers.

Table from BEYOND REASON by Roger Fisher and Daniel L. Shapiro, (c) 2005 by Roger Fisher & Daniel L. Shapiro. Used by permission of Viking Penguin, a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

Book Design and Layout: Babs Kall, Kall Graphics

Specialty Press, Inc.
300 Northwest 70th Avenue, Suite 102
Plantation, Florida 33317
(954) 792-8100 (800) 233-9273

Printed in the United States of America

ISBN 978-1-886941-97-7

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Orlov, Melissa.

The ADHD effect on marriage: understand and rebuild your relationship in six steps / Melissa Orlov.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 978-1-886941-97-7

1. Attention-deficit disorder in adults. 2. MarriagePsychological aspects. 3. Communication in marriage. 4. Married peoplePsychology. I.

Title.

RC394.A85O75 2010

616.8589dc22

2010019993

Praise for Melissa Orlov and The ADHD Effect on Marriage

This book provides an incredibly valuable service to those struggling in a marriage with ADHD. Written by someone who has been there and knows firsthand how ADHD can disrupt a marriage, it will help couples truly understand ADHD, realize they are not alone, and teach them what specifically can be done to align together as a team to turn things around. Ms. Orlov has done a wonderful job of providing knowledge, awareness, and hope to those who sorely need it.

Kevin Murphy, PhD
Coauthor of ADHD in Adults: What the Science Says

Melissa Orlov is one of the foremost authorities on ADHD and relationships in the world today.

Dr. Edward Hallowell
Coauthor of Driven to Distraction and Married to Distraction

Millions of adults with ADHD struggle to overcome their inattention, procrastination, impulsivity, and distractibility. Yet few realize that after they marry, these same symptoms can severely affect their loved ones, often with disastrous results. Melissa Orlov offers a unique and refreshing approach to helping ADHD couples understand the underlying issues caused by ADHD that can negatively impact their relationship. Her methods are built upon years of experience and offer couples hope and guidance. Most importantly, her strategies prepare them to make smart choices to build happier, healthier futures. This book is long overdue and much needed!

Nancy Ratey, EdM, MCC, SCAC
Author of The Disorganized Mind: Coaching Your ADHD Brain to Take Control of Your Time, Tasks, and Talents

The ADHD Effect is an exceptional book that addresses the complexity of the relationship between partners whose lives are affected by ADHD while presenting sound family system principles in an easy-to-understand and accessible way. Through real-life accounts in the words of adults whose marriages have been affected in this way, as well as by revealing her personal journey, Ms. Orlov provides the reader with specific ways to apply these concepts to their own partnerships. I would highly recommend this book to my clients, their partners, and to couple therapists who want to learn to effectively guide couples in marriages challenged by The ADHD Effect.

Ms. Orlovs book provides what many leave outempathy for both partners. She offers a no-blame, nonjudgmental account of the differences and struggles of each partner, with equal amounts of respect, understanding, and empathy for the experience of both. This is a recipe for success for all partnerships.

The ADHD Effect manages to be both positive and realistic at the same time. Ms. Orlov does not underplay the challenges, but also does not pathologize or ignore the gifts and contributions each can make when ADHD is acknowledged, treated, understood, and accepted. The book balances real-life accounts that dont gloss over or minimize the difficulty of the struggle with the positive and hopeful view that through understanding, couples can come to an even closer connection. The books basic underpinning is the idea that when individuals in a marriage stop wishing for their partners to change in ways that are not possible because of their basic biology, and instead focus on acceptance, sound strategies, and communication, their marriage can be strengthened and their differences can enliven their relationship instead of threaten it.

Sari Solden, MS, LMFT
Author of Journeys Through ADDulthood (www.ADDjourneys.com)

If you are in a marriage affected by ADHD, this book is a must read for both spouses. Save yourselves years of pain and develop the loving marriage you both deserve by reading this book and applying the information Orlov shares from her heart.

Jonathan Scott Halverstadt, LMFT
Author of ADD & Romance

We adore this book! Its a comprehensive guide to dealing with the impact of ADHD on your marriage without making either partner wrong. Readers will find a wealth of information and support as well as practical tips, exercises, and stories. Our hats are off to Melissa Orlov for writing this much-needed book.

Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo
Coauthors of You Mean Im Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!
(www.adhdcoaching.com)

Orlovs work is a beacon of light and hope, offering strategies that help couples feel happier and more satisfied.

Ari Tuckman, PsyD, MBA
Author of More Attention, Less Deficit

To George, of course
and to Kat and Alex.
You are the best!

Whats behind your differences

12 patterns you must know

Stories from real life and what they mean for you

Anger, fear, denial and hopelessness

What effective treatment looks like in a relationship

Communication techniques that work when ADHD is present

Using your best self to reinvigorate your life

The science and the fun stuff

I will never forget meeting Melissa Orlov for the first time. She was a trustee at Phillips Exeter Academy, a prep school in New Hampshire that both of us had attended. She was doing some research at the school, and she thought I might be helpful to her. Since one of the truest loves in my life is for that school, I gladly agreed.

We met at a seafood restaurant in Cambridge called Summer Shack. Melissa arrived first. When I arrived and scanned the room, the only person I saw was someone I took to be a man because the persons hair was cut so short. This turned out to be Melissa. Her hair is much, much longer now!

She has changed in many more ways than that, as has her husband George. When I first met him, he was a short, wiry, strong-willed man who held the typical male position that he pretty much had things figured out. On the other hand, he was curious enough to learn new stuff. For example, he was willing to learn about his own ADHD. He is still a short, wiry, strong-willed man. But he has learned a lot.