Gabrielle Douglas - Grace, Gold, and Glory My Leap of Faith

January 2, 2012, in West Des Moines, Iowa seven
months before the London Summer Olympics

G YMNASTICS IS NOT MY PASSION ANYMORE . I D DRAFTED THOSE WORDS onto my smartphone as a text message two weeks before my mother and two of my older siblings, Joyelle and John, flew from Virginia Beach, Virginia, to celebrate Christmas and my sixteenth birthday with me. In October 2010, Id left my hometown and family and moved to Iowa so I could be coached by elite trainer Liang Chow. Id been dreaming of an Olympic gold medal since I was eight but as I became more and more homesick, that dream seemed like a zillion miles away. Thats when I knew I needed to have the toughest conversation of my life: I had to tell Mom that I wanted to quit.

Here we are, Mom announced as she rounded the corner into the parking lot of Chows gym. I was there that afternoon for my usual training session at two thirty something even a family visit couldnt stop. Before either of us could get out of the silver Nissan Versa, I handed my phone to Mom. She lowered her eyes to the phones screen and scanned the words that Id been too scared to say out loud which is why I had written them down:

Gymnastics is not my passion anymore. I want to get famous off of running track, or I want to try dancing, or become a singer. I can get a job at Chick-Fil-A in Virginia Beach and live off the 14 grand I just won at World Championships. I just want to be a normal teenage kid. I am so homesick. I just want to come home.

As Mom read my letter in silence, her eyes narrowed and her expression turned to stone. Youre breaking my heart here, Brie, she said. I could feel my stomach flip as I hunched my shoulders and looked down at my lap. Youve been doing gymnastics for ten years, and now you want to run track? Have you lost your mind?

I hadnt lost my mind but I had definitely lost my fire. Did I understand the enormous sacrifices my mother had made just so I could become an elite gymnast? Absolutely. Had I been the one who begged Mom to send me to live with a host family in butt-freezing West Des Moines, Iowa, for nearly two years of rigorous training? Of course. But looking back on it, had I understood what it would actually feel like to live through the painful injuries and daily demands without my mom and siblings at my side every day? Not even sorta. Its one thing to keep fighting for your dream when youre surrounded by the four family members who know you the best. Its an entirely different thing to push toward that dream when you feel alone and totally homesick.

Im not trying to break your heart, Mom, I said.

Look, youre going to go into this gym right now, and youre going to work out today, Mom said in a tone that told me a smackdown was on the way. Ive worked my behind off for you to be here because this is what you said you wanted and Ive loved helping you strive for your dream. But youre not going to repay me like this.

But Im not passionate

Thats a lie! Mom cut in. Just a couple months ago, you said you wanted to be the world champion. Is there something going on at the gym or with your host family that youre not telling me? I shook my head from side to side. Then youre gonna have to explain yourself to me cause this right here isnt making any sense.

I could feel teardrops forming on my lower lids as I pressed my palms into the seat. I just dont want to do it anymore, I finally said.

Well, that choice is not yours to make, Mom snapped. Youve got your coaches, Chow and Li, involved in this dream. Theyve put everything they have into your coaching! Youve got your host family, Travis and Missy, involved in this dream. Theyve opened up their home and turned their lives upside down to accommodate your training schedule! Youve got hundreds of people rallied around, helping you to get to the next level.

But, Mom, I cut in, my lower lip suddenly trembling, you dont know how it feels!

Mom paused and looked directly at me. I know you miss home, Brie, she said, her tone softening just a little before she shifted right into the next gear. But youve signed a contract that says you will represent your country to the best of your ability. Youve got a responsibility to your teammates. And now you just want to walk away? I will not let you be dishonorable. If gymnastics is not your passion, then at the very least, you will finish the season. I didnt raise you and your brother and sisters to be quitters.

Its my body and my choice, I said stiffly, staring straight ahead at the dashboard. And Im not going to do it.

Without a word, Mom turned the key in the ignition, sped through the parking lot, and swerved left onto the main road that leads to the gym. And if you think she was upset before this is when she really lost it.

I cant believe youre doing this! she shouted, slamming her wrists against the steering wheel to the beat of each one of her words. As the cars tires wavered from left to right, Mom hit her brakes just in time for us to miss a pole on the right-hand side of the road. She then pulled over for part two. All the people whove said you cant do this, the people whove doubted that your dream could ever come true I guess youre just going to let them win, Mom said. Her eyes filled with tears. Why didnt you just tell me a long time ago that you wanted to quit? What a waste a total waste.

I love you, Mom, I whispered in an attempt to calm her down. I reached over and began rubbing her back. Yes, I still wanted to quit gymnastics and PS, I also wanted to make this argument long enough for me to miss that days training session with Coach Chow but I thought coughing up a little affection might keep me alive a few minutes longer.

No, you dont love me! Mom shot back. I knew she didnt mean those words and she knew it too but the tension of the moment brought out so many emotions. You can pack your bags and buy yourself a plane ticket back to Virginia Beach, she told me. But when you get there, youd better go live with your grandmother because youre not moving back in with me.

Everyone around me knows that Ive always had just one hero my mom. But on the very first Monday of 2012, I couldnt have been more mad at her. In fact, after my mother, my sister Joyelle, and my brother, John, flew home to Virginia the next morning, I was still so furious that I didnt Skype with Mom for two weeks. I knew she was right. I was just way too upset to admit it.

The next afternoon as I dragged myself into Chows gym for a hard workout, Moms words were still fresh in my head. I thought of the hundreds of double shifts shed worked in order to pay for my training. I thought of my two sisters: Arielle, who gave up ballroom dancing, and Joyelle, who stopped ice skating so that our single mom could afford to keep me in gymnastics. I thought of my father the one person whod missed out on so much of the dream I was about to set aside. I thought of my closest friend and my only brother, John the one whose little pep talk turned out to be the big miracle that changed everything that month. But Ill come back to that part.