Zawacki - A villains guide to better living

Most evil-doers lead a less than satisfactory existence,
and chances are youre one of these.

Sure, its good to be bad, but the life of a villain is not always about blocking out the sun. Its easy to forget about the little things that make life livable. You can conquer the world, but you cant quite conquer your checkbook. You can invent a death ray, but you still have to work nights at the video store. You can even replace all humanity with robots, but you cant convince any of them to go to the movies with you.

Most evil-doers lead a less than satisfactory existence, and chances are youre one of these. But you dont have to be. Thats rightit is possible to wake up in your coffin each night and not want to destroy yourself. You can regain that gleefully evil feeling you had so long ago and thought youd never find again.

Imagine the possibilities. Youll have more energy to tie maidens to railroad tracks. Your dastardly scheme to crash the moon into the earth will actually succeed. Your castle will be a lair for self-indulgence, and your life will be filled with minions begging to perform your every misdeed. You will be so up and so motivated that youll want to enslave humanity againand youll have the strength to do it.

This will not be easy. Youll have to make some changes, and warp your worldview significantly. Youll have to shop. Youll have to clean. Youll have to mingle. But if youre ready to become an evil overlord who matters, to take the dragon by the horns and shout, No more! then keep reading.

Perhaps youre still not convinced. If so, take this simple quiz to determine your current mood.

When you look upon your life in its current state, do you

A. Destroy all nearby cities in a foaming rage?

B. Wail morosely as you claw your eyes out?

C. Smile wickedly while you wave to your adoring slaves?

When faced with a problem at work, do you

A. Swat your underlings for their gross incompetence?

B. Whimper and hide in your spacecraft?

C. Overcome all odds to end up Supreme Ruler of Mankind?

Youve just gotten home after a very long day and you have some free time. Do you

A. Unleash your monstrous hordes on a nearby orphanage?

B. Sob uncontrollably in your dungeon for several hours?

C. Play with your moat monster? He loves you, yes he does!

How would you describe your relationship with friends and neighbors?

A. They call in nuclear strikes daily. Ha! They will fail like the last three!

B. They once hired a priest to try to banish you from this realm.

C. Great! They worship you like a god and regularly sacrifice virgins to you!

Your daily health regimen consists of the following:

A. Throwing boulders at nearby schoolchildren

B. Fleeing from villagers and angry mobs

C. Defeating entire armies without breaking a sweat

When faced with a difficult problem, do you

A. Activate your doomsday device?

B. Lock yourself in a cage and hit yourself repeatedly?

C. Laugh it off? There will be other countries to conquer.

Do you smile wickedly while you wave to your adoring slaves?

If given a chance to visit anywhere on vacation, where would you go?

A. The center of a volcano, to make it erupt like your fury and destroy a vast region

B. Into the deepest parts of the ocean, never to return

C. To view the numerous statues and monuments erected in your name

How long did your last romantic relationship last?

A. Two months, until she attempted to drown you in acid

B. One week, and then she had herself committed

C. One thousand years and going strong! Immortality is such a sweet burden.

Now, add up your answers, and see what they reveal.

MOSTLY As: You are obviously very angry in your current situation.

This book is exactly what you need.

MOSTLY Bs: You are apparently very depressed with your life.

This book is exactly what you need.

MOSTLY Cs: You are clearly deluding yourself with fake happiness.

This book is exactly what you need.

When faced with a difficult problem, do you lock yourself
in a cage and hit yourself repeatedly?

Do you enjoy volcanos that erupt like your own fury?

A villains home is his castle. Literally. It is there that you plan your schemes, raise your dragon, and imprison the true heir to the throne. But any old bastion wont do. You need a home that reflects your dark, dead heart and suits your nefarious needs. Creating the ideal digs will require you to do things youve never done before, like work with faux finishes and shop at Bed Bath & Beyond. But if you can handle building a doomsday device, you can handle this. The following guide will help you find the suite that suits you best. Now get ready to turn your lair from drab to fabulously drab!

abode You like a house with history in a nice, quiet neighborhood. In other words, a mausoleum. Mausoleums make excellent lairs, so stop by your favorite cemetery and appropriate one that suits your liking. It may have some other familys name on it, but you can cover that up with a nice tattered awning. Spooky mansions are a fine alternative, as long as they are crumbling with age and covered with moss and vines.

decorating You have long hair and youre wearing a lace jabot. Youre not afraid to express your poetic side, and your house shouldnt be, either. Wall-to-wall purple velvet? Yes. Numerous portraits of long-dead loves? Definitely. Huge vases full of dead flowers? Indeed. Shelves overflowing with moldering relics and mementos? Of course. Minimalism is not for you. Youre an immortal, youve had plenty of time to shop, and your home reflects that. As for colors, stick to rich tones like blood red and arterial purple. Finally, dont be afraid to decorate with your own handsome likeness. The eighteenth-century portrait of yourself will look great in the dining room, and the mantel is just crying out for your marble bust. Besides, if you cant keep mirrors in the house, this is the only way youll get a good look at yourself.