Neil Zawacki - How to Be a Villain

If you only knew the power of the Dark Side
Darth Vader

Congratulations on your decision to join the forces of darknessEvil can always use another talented agent to lend a hand in the name of mayhem. The sooner you get started, the sooner you can enjoy the fruits of limitless power, revel in unbridled greed and debauchery, and begin the construction of the enormous and needlessly complex weapons of destruction in your basement.

Whether you practice evil in the privacy of your own home or set your goals at nothing less than international domination, youll find plenty of valuable tips in this guide. Whatever your background or experience, rest assured theres an aspect of evil thats right for you. If you dont find your niche immediately, dont despair. This handy guide is designed to help you discover and nurture the darkness within for a lifetime of heedless villainy. No matter how well adjusted you may appear to friends and family, you are the only one who can truly know your evil potential.

Tip: If you find that you still lack confidence, try this exercise. Stand in front of a mirror with the lights turned off. Stare at your ghostly visage and say with confidence, Im bad. Im really, really bad.

Evil deeds dont need to be catastrophic to be rewarding. Indeed, plenty of minor acts can be satisfyingly unpleasant. Start small and work your way up to more infamous exploits. Here are a few ideas:

• Realign the moons orbit (you can always do Earth later)
• Turn a popular landmark into a gelatinous ooze
• Release a demonic hoard on a peaceful township
• Learn to play the pipe organ and volunteer at church functions
• Broadcast your evil plans on public access television

Remember, most of the mightily evil people you admire today probably failed once or twice along the way. Part of being evil is having the courage to keep on trying, even if your sinister shenanigans dont always inspire terror and strife.

The first step in an evil education is to understand the true meaning of the term. The dictionary offers one definition:

Evil (adj.) 1. Having qualities tending to injury and mischief; having a nature or properties which tend to badness; mischievous; not good; worthless or deleterious; poor; as, an evil beast, an evil plant, an evil crop. 2. Having or exhibiting bad moral qualities; morally corrupt; wrong; vicious; as, evil conduct, thoughts, heart, words, and the like.

There is more, but you probably get the point. Evil is fiendish. Evil is malevolent. Evil is wicked. But isnt there more to it than that? Yes, what the dictionary cleverly leaves out is for an elect few to know: Evil is fun.

Being evil is more than a job, its a lifestyle. By embracing the dark forces, otherwise ordinary men, women, and even children and pets can gain power and wealth beyond their wildest dreams. Perhaps the single greatest benefit of a career in evil is equal access to executive level positions. Black, white, or green; male, female, or alien life form; spikes, scales, or brain in a jarnothing prevents a devotee of darkness from rising to the top of the quagmire of destruction.

Power and wealth are not the only benefits. Servants of darkness, despite the secondary role that name implies, also enjoy deliciously unrestricted creative freedom. Evil knows no boundaries. If you can dream an evil plot, you can do itand become a ray of darkness in an otherwise unbearably sunny day.

Evil careers offer extensive supernatural benefits, too. Many evil-doers develop the ability to manifest themselves wherever and whenever they choose. For those who excel, there is even the possibility of immortality.

In the end, the most important part of being evil is feeling good about your bad self. Only then will you walk down the street with pride, smiling broadly as small children in your path abandon their favorite playthings and flee as though approached by a swarm of locusts.

Although its possible to be evil in any vocation, certain careers practically force you to exploit your dark side. Your best bets:

• Night manager of a deserted warehouse
• Mad scientist
• Shape-shifter
• Voodoo princess
• Slave driver
• Orc, ogre, or zombie
• Telemarketer