Dzogchen Ponlop - Emotional Rescue: How to Work with Your Emotions to Transform Hurt and Confusion into Energy That Empowers You

I T WAS a beautiful fall day and I had just come out of my philosophy class. I was walking back home with my head full of theories supported by syllogisms about how pain and pleasure duos are created by mind and are simply minds projections... blah blah blah. As I walked into my room, to my surprise, my uncle, with whom Id had a history of difficulties, was sitting there waiting to give me the news that my father had passed away during his business trip to Bhutan. It was exactly one year since I had lost a teacher who had been the most important person in my life. All of a sudden my seemingly solid and beautiful theories and syllogisms of nonduality just vanished! No thoughts, no wisdom, just shock. Slowly but surely, a sensation of pain spread deep within my body and mind. This pain was nowhere close to my philosophical understanding of pain or, rather, the nonexistence of pain. This pain, accompanied by such vivid feelings, started me off on my lifelong exploration of my emotions.

My dad was born into a family from Litang in the Kham region of eastern Tibet, which is often likened to the Wild West or no mans land. People of Kham, known as khampas, are proud of their warrior culture, and people in Tibet usually say, Dont mess with khampas. Even though my father grew up in the central-western part of Tibet, his parents raised him as a khampa boy. From a very young age, he showed signs of the warrior culturealways fearless and courageous, yet kind. My father ended up becoming general secretary, the highest-ranking administrator for His Holiness the Sixteenth Karmapa, revered head of his then eight-hundred-year-old spiritual institution. As a khampa person, he was a collector of swords and guns, simply for his love of the art of warriorship, and he genuinely appreciated the stories of brave warriors, which he read to me often from the time I was a little boy. Due to his sensitive and influential job as general secretary, I was aware that hed received several credible threats against his life, and so there was some reason for him to have the necessary licenses for owning his guns. But what I saw in it all primarily was the sentimental value they held for the warrior culture of his childhood and family lineage. In the typical father-son way, we always had fun when he took me target shooting in the mountains.

Strangely enough, before my dad went on his business trip to Bhutan we were cleaning his guns. He reminded me how to take them apart and put them back together. We had a beautiful afternoon. Just before he departed, I didnt know why, but he gave me all the guns and said, Now you are in charge. If you are a good son, youll take good care of them. And I said, Yes, of course. Later, there were so many questions about his deathwhether it was natural or some conspiracy was involved because of his high-ranking position in an international spiritual organization. Here I was at seventeen, a devoted son left behind with so many thoughts, emotions, and guns. As they say, misfortunes dont come singly. So it happened that soon after, my mom fell ill, and she was in bed for about a year. While my siblings and I took care of her, I also had to deal with the settling of my dads business affairs. My brothers presence and support throughout that period made everything easier. But at a certain point I realized I was at a crossroads, pulled in different directions by my wild emotions.

I thoroughly enjoyed my time in school, studying and practicing with my classmates, but at the same time I was bogged down with my many duties caring for my family. I envied my fellow students who had no extra responsibilities, nothing to do other than fully engaging in their education! The schedule and curriculum were challenging and also stimulating. Our first session started at four a.m. and classes continued until evening, with only a few breaks here and there. The teachers were the finest and very demanding. I continued my journey diligently but I had lost sight of my goal. Due to the stress of simply maintaining life, I almost dropped out of school and abandoned my spiritual pursuits. All these efforts really amounted to a single quest: to know something that would relieve the feelings of discontent that kept me up late at night studying and worrying.

Around this time, I came across a Buddhist teacher who later became the most influential person in my life and a genuine spiritual friend. His presence and instruction helped me to deal with my racing emotions and thoughts. The impact of his friendship was immediate. Under his guidance, I found a way to make the right choices. I became brave enough to follow the path of compassion and turn away from the route of a vengeful warrior. Somehow I ended up graduating first in my class, a great surprise to me to this day. In the end, I came to understand that all of this was happening in my little mindthoughts, emotions, life, and spirituality. When I saw what a big role the emotions played in the drama of this life, I began to go deeper into this mind to find out everything I could about these energies.