Roth - Here There Is No Why

CHAPTER 10

he Germans still count heads at the morning appel. Is it an illusion, or are fewer Germans milling around the camp? During those endless days, we sit worrying on the bunks, debating and weaving conjectures about our immediate and highly uncertain future. Apparently the end is coming soon, they say soberly.

Our end or theirs? the pessimists ask ironically. They are convinced that the Germans are too preoccupied with their own escape to think much about us. It will take only a few mines to blow up the whole camp and all the prisoners. That will be the easiest way for them to erase all trace of their crimes from the face of the earth. The majority view dampens my optimism.

A dark-haired girl with brown, almond-shaped eyes interrupts our discussion. If only one of you will let me hypnotize her, we will find out what tomorrow has in store for us. Pointing to me, she says, You, little one with the dreamy blue eyes, if you give yourself completely over to my will and dont set up any defenses, youll be a good medium.

To boost the general morale, I agree to her proposal. A circle of curious girls forms around us. The girl focuses the glance of her penetrating, dark eyes on me. I try not to give in to the penetrating look of the hypnotist. You will go to sleep immediately. Gradually you will sink into a deep blessed dream, she says in a low monotonous tone.

In order not to comply with the hypnotist and avoid her burning look, I shut my eyes after a short minute. Sleep, child. You will forget about everything about the whole world. Dont think about anything. You will fall into a deep sleep. I hear the girls whispering. I feel my tense joints relaxing. I let my shoulders sag. I tilt my head to one side, trying to breathe calmly, pretending that I am in a deep sleep.

When will the war be over? is the first question fired by the hypnotist. I hear the rapid breathing of the girls around me. Will we survive? Will we all be killed?

The girls are holding their breath in anticipation of my answer. They will not have time to kill us, I whisper as if asleep. I can hear a murmur of satisfaction.

Suddenly, the hypnotist bends over me and whispers in my ear, Will I get married in the near future? It is a very personal question.

Everyone will find an admirer, I recite in a single breath. A general explosion of happy laughter ends my prophecy and wakes me from my deep sleep. I look at the assembled crowd with surprise and rub my sleep-filled eyes. The girls thank me for the good prophecies.

We are awakened more and more often at night by the roar of anti-aircraft sirens. Today, as I return to the barrack from the well with a bowl of water, I lift my head. My gaze lights on the familiar watchtower. I notice a bright white reflection on the shoulder of the German soldier on guard duty. Not pausing to think about it, I head in the direction of the next guardhouse. Outside the wires around the camp, the guard towers are not far apart. To my surprise, I notice there is no one there. The watchtower is empty.

Maybe I am imagining it. Maybe my eyes are deceiving me, I think, and I run to the next watchtower. The armed soldier is there, as usual, but on the shoulder of his green uniform, he is wearing a white armband. I run fast as I can to the barrack, heedless of the fact that I am spilling the priceless water from the bowl. Excited, choking, hardly able to breathe, I deliver the report of my latest observations. The girls start arguing about the meaning of the white armbands.

The Germans are surrendering, one girl calls out enthusiastically.

Shes right. Everyone knows that a white flag means surrender, I yell joyfully, hugging Hela.

A weak voice from an upper bunk warns, An armband isnt a flag.

Nevertheless, there is a general liveliness in the barrack. News of the white armband travels from one mouth to another. We make up all sorts of rumors. Finally, we decide to send out two girls who are tall and have good eyesight to verify my news.

They return shortly, confirming my observation simultaneously. The delegates run into the barrack breathless. They whirl around in a mad dance.

Theyre surrendering. Long live freedom! they call out happily. We jump on the bunks. We surround the spies, asking for more details. You cant see any Germans on lagerstrasse, on the main camp street. Every other watchtower is empty. The soldiers still on duty are wearing white armbands. This is the end of our imprisonment. The girls are all excited and try to out-shout one another. There are spontaneous hugs and kisses, and eyes glisten with tears.

Anxiety fills the air. Conflicting feelings rage within each of us. We have feelings of happiness, foreboding, fear of the unknown, and worry about unpleasant surprises that may yet be in store for us. Spontaneous joy is muted by anxiety, a fear of the future. Will they really permit us to live? They are well aware that we have been eyewitnesses to their barbaric crimes. What awaits us? Death? Or perhaps a long delay while freedom is fully secured? These are the questions engraved on our apprehensive faces.

It seems, at any rate, that our fate will be resolved in a few days. There is sadness in our eyes. What a pity to die now! We want so much to live! Now, after our long, fierce struggle against death, the day weve dreamed of seems so close. I try to uplift the morale of my friends.

We cant lose faith! The Germans are surrendering, and were still alive. I have a strong hunch they wont have time to kill us. They dont have time to think about us. Theyre too busy with their own troubles. If they havent killed us yet, theyve probably given up whatever plans they may have had to finish us off. Maybe Hitlers orders havent reached the camp commanders. Maybe theyve all run away by now.

This speech, which Ive said out loud, is intended to convince myself and to divert attention from negative thoughts. I continue. In our distant land of Israel, the orange blossoms are in bloom. Instinctively, overcome by nostalgia, I start to hum Hatikvah, our national anthem. Hela, sitting a short distance from me, starts to utter the words. Immediately, other faint voices join the choir. Soon an impassioned prayer resounds louder and louder. The words of hope, in the Hebrew lyrics, lift our spirits. A feeling of ecstasy surges through the partially darkened barrack. As night falls, the singing subsides. With darkness comes renewed anxiety. I cant close my eyes. I try to calm the rapid beating of my heart, which is filled with hope and fear.

I listen, trying to pick up distant sounds. The roar of exploding projectiles echoes joyfully in our ears. Sirens howl in the distance. An explosion shakes the barrack, and then all is silent again. Time moves at a snails pace. Someone coughs in the silent barrack. Others sigh, cough, and moan in pain. The long, dark night drags into eternity. I wait eagerly for day to dawn. The darkness outside the barrack modulates into gray. We wake sluggishly from fitful sleep.

A bright sun rolls majestically in the firmament of heaven and overcomes the darkness of night. A waking bird starts chirping. It is the dawn of the most beautiful day in spring, an unforgettable day for me. A refreshing breeze rushes in through the doors, which are suddenly thrown open. Clara runs into the barrack waving her arms like a maniac. Though she can hardly catch her breath, she shouts out, Long live freedom! The English! We are free! She is out of the barrack with the speed of a rocket. Those words work like magic on the general lethargy pervading the barrack. Every living thing makes its way out of the barrack.

I leap down from the bunk so I can join the others running to get a glimpse of our saviors. Im stopped in my tracks by Helas pleading voice. Wait for me. Help me out of the bunk, she pleads, holding her foot that has been scraped raw by the wooden shoes.