Engledow - Confessions of the Worlds Best Father

Today we brought our beautiful baby girl home from the hospital. Alice Bee. I still cant believe how amazing she isso perfectly sweet and tiny.

She really doesnt do much yetmainly spending her time sweetly and quietly sleeping, and only occasionally waking up to spend time underneath Jens shirt. So far, new parenthood is a breeze, and Im ready to live up to the moniker on that new coffee mug Jen gave me this morning.

Apparently, fathering is not going to be quite as easy or glamorous as it looks on TV. These past nine weeks since Alice Bee arrived in our house have provided a nonstop barrage of crying, peeing, and pooping at all hours of the day and night, wreaking total havoc on my daily routine.

Alice Bees constant need for attention has also prevented a proper replenishing of the groceries, meaning we were totally out of coffee creamer this morning. Luckily for me, when I checked the back of the fridge I discovered a cache of milk that Jen had bottled up for Alice Bee. Ill have to ask her where she bought this stuffit was a bit sweeter and thicker than our regular milk, but my coffee was amazing.

Its been several months since my last entry, and Im happy to report that things have greatly improved in our household. Im back into my daily sports page and coffee routine, and those special bottles of milk Jen leaves for Alice Bee have totally replaced the creamer I normally use.

But the really great news is that Alice Bee now seems much more able to look after herself while Jen is out of the house. To honor this newfound independence, I agreed to let Alice Bee purchase a small stockpile of age-appropriate fireworks (we agreed to save the bottle rockets and M-80s until her third birthday).

Jen is away for a week on an out-of-town assignment for her Army job. She claims to have told me about this on several occasions, but she also has a habit of sneaking these things past me while Im reading the sports page, which leads me to occasionally/always forget what she tells me.

Not only did Jen leave me alone with Alice Bee for an entire week, she also neglected to leave clear instructions on how or what one is supposed to feed a baby. And to make matters worse, my stress level skyrocketed so high that I was forced to dramatically increase my coffee intake, meaning we used up all of Alice Bees special milk bottles by the end of the first day.

I seem to recall Jen saying something a few weeks back about Alice Bee getting started on solid foods, and nothing provides a more solid start to the day than a hearty breakfast of steak and eggs. Alice Bee wound up just eating the potatoes, because apparently the Worlds Best Mom hasnt yet taught her how to use a knife and fork.

We have now been on our own for six days, and this morning I noticed that Alice Bee was quite a bit grungier than Jen normally keeps her.

Earlier in the week, I perfected a technique I was sure would revolutionize diaperingby simply adding a new diaper on top of the old one each morning, I had managed to keep my hands poop-free for days. However, I was now beginning to suspect that I had merely been prolonging the inevitable.

Since Jen also neglected to leave instructions for me on exactly how to bathe a baby, I had to figure it out on my own. I vaguely recalled reading somewhere that babies are unsafe in as little as two inches of water, which obviously ruled out using the bathtub. Luckily, I remembered that our washing machine has something called a delicate cycle, which seemed entirely appropriate for someone with such smooth skin. Stripping Alice Bee down to the original diaper, I managed to get her sparkling clean just in time for Jens return.

Jen has been reading a bunch of baby-development books about benchmarks and milestones for newborns. She assures me that Alice Bee is doing really great in almost every category, but Im still a little concerned that these books dont cover all of the skills I think Alice Bee will need in order to be as successful as her old man.

Im sure Jen wont mind that I raided the joint savings account to pay for some new developmental/educational toysnothing but the best for our little girl.

Today has truly been a great day. Alice Bee and I spent the whole afternoon together, working on essentials like improving her twitch reflexes, how to avoid the cops during a six-star police chase, and the proper way to mod a shotgun for zombie killing.

I normally hate shaving. In the past ten years, I think Ive been clean-shaven exactly twiceonce for Jen on our wedding day and the other time for the job interview with my current employer (two people who are probably both now wondering what happened to that fresh-faced guy they first met so many years ago).