Brent Runyon - The Burn Journals

Contents

February 4, 1991
Falls Church, Virginia

February 5, 1991
Children's National Medical Center
Washington, D.C.

June 12, 1991
Alfred I. duPont Institute
Wilmington, Delaware

September 13, 1991
Falls Church, Virginia

January 26, 1992
Falls Church, Virginia

January 26, 1992
Falls Church, Virginia

I'm awake. Today's the big day. I go to Dominion for a half day, and then I go over to the high school for two periods. Lunch and home economics. It should be pretty easy. I'm going to meet Chris outside the cafeteria doors. I just have to find him when I go to lunch.

I get up and go into my parents' room and turn on the shower. I take off my boxer shorts that I wear over my Jobst. I guess I don't really need to wear boxers, but it just makes me feel more normal. I unzip the jacket and the pants and throw them outside the door so Mom can wash them. I feel like I'm taking off my skin when I do that.

I get into the shower. I turn the shower nozzle to pulse and let it bang off the back of my neck. I'm tired, but I'm so nervous my hands are shaking. I make my hands into fists and pretend there's somebody in front of me. I hit him with a right and a left and another right and a right and a right. Come on. Come on. Come on. Fuck.

I wash my hair with the Pert Plus and get out as fast as I can. I take the towel and wipe a space clear on the mirror. There I am. I lean close to the mirror and stare right into my own eyeballs. See that? That's me. Not the rest of it. Not the rest of it. But right in there, right in my eye, the green and the little fleck of gold. That's me in there. That's me.

It doesn't matter if the rest of me looks different. None of that matters. I can still recognize myself. I'm still that person in there. Inside my eyes.

I walk out and go lie on my parents' bed. Mom comes in and spreads the cream quickly over my legs. Even if she's not that good at this, at least she's gotten faster. I get my own Jobst garments on and grab a pair of blue jeans and my favorite blue-and-white shirt from the hamper. I don't care if it's a little dirty.

I go downstairs and pour myself a bowl of raisin bran. Dad's reading the newspaper. He looks up. Hey, sonner.

Hey.

He looks over at the calendar. Mom's written in red pen, Brent to High School, on today's date. He looks back at me to see if I know what day it is. He says, Big day today, huh?

Yeah.

Big day. Dad always repeats what he says. I keep eating, and when I look up again, Dad's still looking at me. He looks like he wants to say something else. Brent, he says, it's a big day today for all of us. We've all worked real hard to get where we are right now. Real hard. And we're real proud of you and all the work you've done. Real proud.

He reaches over and puts his big hand on top of mine. His eyes are filling up with tears. And we're your family, and we love you, sonner. And we want you to know that we're here for you whenever you need us. And we just love you and think you're a great kid. And whatever happens, we're with you. Okay, son? We're with you.

Okay, Dad. Okay.

I give him a little hug. I can't stay around and talk about this right now. My bus is here. I grab my book bag and head toward the door. Mom gives me a brown bag with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in it and a dollar for something to drink. She hugs me and kisses me on the cheek. I look into her eyes. She's about to cry. Her eyes get extra green when she's about to cry.

We love you, sweetie.

I love you too.

Dad gives me another hug and pats me on the back as I go out the door.

Michael Mager's called a special meeting because today is my last day. Suzanne is here. And the fat kid, Joe.

Michael does the talking.

Well, Brent, I don't usually do this, but because you've been here for so long, we decided to get together to see you off.

Thanks.

You're welcome. I'm sure you'll do well going back into the world, but there are a few things that I'd like you to take with you. The first is that there's always help. There's always someone out there who knows how to listen. The second is that if you ever feel like there's something you can't deal with, if you feel like you're panicked and trapped and there's nothing you can do to get out, just remember to breathe. Remember your breathing exercises. Remember to stay calm. Remember you're a smart kid and you can get through anything. Okay?

Yeah, okay. I'll remember.

Is there anything you want to say to us before you go?

Um, I don't know, I really appreciate all the help you guys have given me over the last couple of months. I know that it's almost a year since I've been in school, and I know that it's going to be weird, and hard, but I think I can do it. I mean, I do think I can do it. So I guess I just want to say thanks. So, thanks.

Suzanne gets up and gives me a hug. Michael Mager shakes my hand and pats my shoulder.

I walk out of the meeting and head toward the door. The receptionist buzzes me out and I walk outside to wait for the little bus. Okay, here I go. Going back to school. I know it's only for two periods and one of them is lunch, but still. It's a big deal. It's a big fucking deal. It's a gigantic fucking mess of a giant fucking deal.

Because when you think about it, I mean, I really haven't been to school in, well, almost a year. And it's high school, and I don't know if I'm okay. I don't really know if I'm going to be okay.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck.

The bus is here. Jesus. This is it. This is it. The bus is going to take me to school and the whole thing is going to change. I'm going to walk into school and I'm going to be a different person and they're all going to see that I'm a different person.

I'm getting on the bus. Okay, get your cameras out. Thank God there's nobody else on the bus. Thank God. It's just me on a little short bus that retards ride on. I used to make fun of people that rode these buses, but now I'm one of them.

Jesus. I hope I can find Chris. I hope I can find the cafeteria. I hope no one picks on me or says anything to me. I hope no one notices me and the way I look. I hope no one who used to know me wants to talk to me about anything. I hope school's not too hard.

I'm just going to lay my head against the window. I'm just going to put my forehead against the window and lean against it. That feels good. That feels so good. I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay.

I breathe in through my nose. One. Two. Three. Hold it. Out through the mouth. One. Two. Three. In through the nose. One. Two. Three. Out through the mouth. One. Two. Three.

Okay. Okay. I'm going to be okay. That sounds like a song. Maybe I should sing to myself. Maybe that'll make me feel a little better.

Okay, okay, you're going to be okay.

Okay, okay, you're going to be okay.

It's going to be all right.

It's going to be all right.

Okay, I feel a little better. I feel, at least, a little better.

Oh God, there's the school. They plant those bushes in a big M on the side of the hill like that every year. The sign says Marshall High School. Congrats, JV Field Hockey.